We need to talk. And no, not about you, though that’s kind of the point. If you’ve ever asked someone a question only to immediately shift the conversation back to yourself, you might be guilty of boomerasking.
What Is Boomerasking?
It is a conversational tactic identified by Harvard Business School’s professor Alison Wood Brooks, wherein a question that seems to show interest serves as a guise for the speaker to center the conversation about themself.
It is the desire of humans to self-express and gain affirmation. There is a growing recognition in psychology that people’s identity is, to some degree, narrative. Personal stories are not only meant to give information; they serve to bolster identity.
This kind of thinking helps us map ourselves into the social world. But, when the desire for self-affirmation takes precedence over listening attentively, it creates an unbalanced conversational structure.
Read More Here: How To Break The Habit Of People Pleasing?
A good example would be when someone asks you your fun plans for the summer but it isn’t a genuine expression of interest. It’s their way boasting about their own plans without having any interest in listening to you.
Or it happens when you ask something—“What are you up to this weekend?”not because you care, but because you’re setting up an opportunity to share your own plans.
It’s an all-too-common habit, and it makes conversations feel less like meaningful exchanges and more like sneaky setups for self-promotion.
Are You a Boomerasker? 4 Boomerasking Examples
So, let’s take a quick self-check with these boomerasking examples:
- Do you often ask questions just so you can answer them yourself?
- When someone shares something, do you respond with “That reminds me of when”?
- Do people seem disengaged when you speak?
- Do you rarely ask follow-up questions?
If you answered yes to most of these, it’s time to recalibrate.
The Fix: How To Make Conversations A Two-Way Street
1. Ask More, Share Less
Instead of using questions as a springboard for your stories, actually listen. Then, ask a genuine follow-up question like: “That sounds fun—how did you decide on that?” or “Wow, tell me more about it.”
2. Stop Treating Conversations Like a Competition
If someone tells you about their stressful day, resist the urge to one-up them with your own horror story. Instead, validate their experience. A simple “That sounds tough—how are you handling it?” goes a long way.
3. Notice When You’re Boomerasking
Before asking something, pause and ask yourself: “Do I actually want to know the answer, or am I just setting up my own response?” If it’s the latter, reconsider.
4. Challenge Yourself to Keep the Spotlight on Others
Try going a whole conversation without turning it back to yourself. Instead, focus 100% on the other person. You might be surprised at how much more engaged they become.
People remember how you make them feel in a conversation. If you want stronger relationships, deeper friendships, and better social connections, stop boomerasking.
Instead, make space for real, two-way conversations. You’ll be surprised how much more interesting people find you when you start genuinely listening.
Read More Here: How Do We Practice Compassionate Communication?
So, next time you’re in a conversation, take a step back. Focus on them. You might just break the habit, and become a better conversationalist in the process.
And are you guilty of boomerasking too? Or know someone who does this ALL the time? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below!
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is boomerasking?
It is a conversational habit where someone consistently steers discussions back to their own experiences, opinions, or stories, often without inviting or engaging with what others have to say
How can you stop boomer-asking?
You can start by active listening and inviting others to share through open-ended questions. Be self-aware and ensure your contributions add value without dominating the entire conversation.
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