Written by: Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., CGP
Try these tips if your narcissistic boss is making your work life miserable.
Many of my clients are stuck working for narcissistic bosses who appear to hate them. These bosses publicly mock them, talk over them in meetings, and ignore or devalue their suggestions.
My clients feel like quitting but are afraid that finding a new job in these uncertain times will be too difficult. So, they stay and get mistreated for the sake of a regular paycheck.
If you recognize yourself in this description, there may be a way to turn this situation around. You might even end up your boss’s favorite person. This method does involve a lot of work, and there is always the possibility it may not work for your particular boss, but it is definitely worth trying. When it works, it can make your situation strikingly better.
Here is the secret: The basic way to deal with a narcissistic boss who dislikes you is to get your boss to like you.
You may think that this idea is ridiculous. Your boss feels unapproachable and all your instincts are telling you to hide and be quiet and maybe your boss will overlook you and pick on someone else. By now you are terrified of even being noticed by your boss. The last thing you want to do is initiate a conversation with this awful person.
However, you really have very little to lose. The method I am about to teach you requires you to study your boss instead of hiding. It puts some power back in your hands and will be very useful with almost anyone—not just narcissistic bosses.
Note: In this post, I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand for saying that this person qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
Instructions
Step 1—Study your narcissistic boss.
Everyone has a good side. Everyone has things they like and dislike. The basic principle here is to study your boss and find out what he or she likes and dislikes and what are your boss’s strengths and weaknesses.
Pay close attention. No matter how much you despise your boss, if you look closely without bias, you will find that there are some things that your boss does very well. That is why he or she got promoted in the first place.
Here are some questions to think about while you observe your boss:
- What does your boss like and dislike about other people’s behavior?
- What are your boss’s strengths and weaknesses?
- What does your boss do better than you?
- What type of situations does your boss do well in?
- Who does your boss treat well?
- What type of behaviors does your boss reward?
- How does your boss treat his or her boss?
- What does your boss complain about?
Many people do not realize that narcissists are super sensitive, and your boss might be reacting very negatively to something that you think is normal or even part of your job. When you pay close attention, you may find out that your boss likes one of your colleagues better than you for reasons that have nothing to do with work. For example, your colleague may have great social skills and always remembers to ask to see pictures of your boss’s grandchildren or brings your boss little gifts from vacations.
Read Micromanipulation: How Narcissists Use This As A Method of Control
Step 2—Take notes.
Likes and Dislikes: Take detailed notes about your boss’s likes and dislikes. You will need to write down the context for many of the behaviors. For example:
- Does your boss mind being interrupted, even for something you consider vital to the success of your project?
- Does your boss want to do all the talking for your group on conference calls even when the topic is something that is your responsibility?
- Does your boss like giving advice when he or she is in the mood to share but hates being asked for advice when he or she is busy with something else?
- Does your boss change his or her mind frequently but denies doing so?
Strengths and Skills: Notice what your boss does particularly well and make a list of his or her strengths and skills. For example, is your boss good at bringing in new clients? Does your boss know a lot about how your company works?
- Take detailed notes about when and how your boss has used these skills. For this method to work, you are going to need to be able to describe to your boss specific instances when you saw him or her use a particular strength and it really worked well.
- Forget for the moment about anything negative you feel about your boss, and only focus on what you admire about your boss and why.
Read Why Narcissists Use Stonewalling As a Nasty and Powerful Defence Mechanism
Step 3—Stop doing anything your narcissistic boss does not like.
This may seem obvious but most people have to be told, so I am saying it clearly right now: Stop doing anything your boss does not like. What makes this hard is that sometimes you will find yourself in a conflict where both options are bad.
Either you stop working on that project that is due tomorrow in order to listen to your boss tell stories about his vacation or you explain you cannot listen right now because you are busy getting ready for tomorrow’s meeting.
My advice is to prioritize whatever your narcissistic boss wants you to do right now. I have had a number of clients tell me that their boss got furious because they prioritized what they thought was important to the success of the project when their boss decided to talk about something else.
My clients had trouble understanding that when your boss is a narcissist, your boss considers you his or her personal servant. I know that sounds harsh, but more often than not, it is true.
You believe you were hired to do a specific job. Your narcissistic boss believes you were hired to do whatever he or she wants you to do, no matter what your formal job description says. This means that if your boss wants you to stop your work and go get her a cup of coffee, that is your real job right now.
Here are some typical things that most narcissistic bosses hate that you probably should stop doing immediately. It does not matter whether you are right, and your boss is obviously wrong.
- Never correct or contradict a narcissistic boss, especially in public, for any reason. Trust me, they would rather fail than be told they are doing something wrong!
- Never criticize anything they say or do.
- Never say anything negative about them to other people at work. People do talk and it might get back to your boss. And of course, never ever say anything negative in writing.
Read 121 Things Narcissists Say When They’re Gaslighting You
Once you have finished gathering your information, here is a basic four-part formula you can use to shift the way your boss feels about you.
Admiration + Strengths + Specific Example + Compliment = Success
Here is an example to give you an idea of how this might sound:
I really admire (Admiration) the way you are able to size up potential clients and know just what to say to them to get them interested in buying from us (Strength). I was in that meeting last week when it looked like Peter’s new prospect was going to walk away and you came over and closed the sale and saved the situation (Specific Example). That was amazing! (Compliment). I learned so much from watching and listening to you do that (Compliment).
Tip: Look at your boss and be sincere. Notice your boss’s reaction. The best immediate response would be if your boss now looks pleased and starts talking about the example you used a bit more with you.
Read A Mid Range Narcissist’s Manipulation Tactic: “But I can change”
Summary
Narcissists love sincere admiration. They usually have to work hard for it. When you use this method, you are giving them free narcissistic supplies that they did not expect to get, especially from you. As you do this more and more, using real and detailed examples, they generally start to like you better.
Even if they seem doubtful or brush you off in the beginning, stay focused on finding sincere, positive things about them that you can drop into the conversation. As you see their reactions, you can adjust what you say and how you say it for maximum effectiveness.
You can use this skill with everybody, not just narcissists. Most people feel as if they never get the appreciation that they deserve. If you take the time to notice and reflect back people’s real strengths (not idle flattery), you are likely to find that you are now more sought after as a friend as well.
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
Republished with permission.
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