Breakups are always tough and painful to deal with. But do you know that there are certain things you can do to turn your breakup into a breakthrough?
The pain of dealing with a breakup is universal and relatable. No matter how much you may think you don’t have anything in common with someone, it is likely that you have both experienced the heart-wrenching pain of a breakup.
I have seen people unite over this common theme time and again. Why? Because when breakups occur, they often stir up fears of being alone, of never loving again, and of being isolated. Ultimately, we all want to know that we’re not alone and that we’ll get through this.
Despite the universality of breakups, there is no manual for how to get over them (if only!) as no two breakups are the same. How long it takes to heal from a breakup is dependent on a variety of factors and differs for each person.
Breakups often get a bad rap since many people don’t want to experience the pain and suffering that results from losing someone they care about. It’s a pain that can cut deep and leave open wounds if you don’t allow yourself the space needed to heal.
Hard as it may be to believe, breakups can frequently lead to breakthroughs. I remember years ago when I first met someone who viewed breakups from a different perspective. She told me she was getting a divorce and I expressed sadness that she was going through this difficult experience. I’ll never forget her response “It’s so funny how everyone has the same reaction, but this is actually a good thing. This may be the end of my relationship but it is a new beginning for me.”
At the time I didn’t quite understand what she meant until I realized through my own experience that there is often an upside to this arduous process, even if it’s not readily apparent. Breakups can provide the space to reconnect with yourself, grow, and reflect on ways to apply the lessons you’ve learned moving forward.
When you break up with someone, you’re not just grieving the loss of the relationship but also the loss of the hopes and dreams you shared together. No matter how intense the pain may feel, these feelings aren’t permanent and someday you will be able to move on even if it feels impossible to believe that right now.
Although there is no manual for how to get over a breakup, below are tips that can help you cope as you’re grieving your breakup:
8 Ways To Turn Your Breakup Into a Breakthrough
1. Take time to grieve and acknowledge the conflicted feelings that may arise.
Acknowledge the grief and allow yourself to process the emotions that come with it. When you’re grieving a loss, you may feel tempted to suppress your painful emotions but doing so will ultimately prolong the process of moving on.
We often assume that avoiding painful emotions will bring us relief when the opposite is true. When you allow yourself to experience painful emotions, they lose their power over you and provide you with the ability to notice and enjoy the positive emotions when they do arise.
It’s also important to remind yourself during this time that you can miss someone and still not want them back in your life.
Read 5 Things To Know About Surviving A Break Up
2. Focus on the relationships that help you thrive.
Reach out for support from the friends and loved ones that you trust. It will help you feel less isolated but also has the added benefit of strengthening the relationships in your life that you value.
3. Reflect on the reasons the relationship ended.
Chances are that as painful as it might be, there are some valid reasons why this relationship ended. Also consider if you notice a particular relationship pattern repeating (such as being drawn to the same type of partner repeatedly or all your relationships ending in the same manner, etc.).
If you do notice a pattern, reflect on what your role is in this pattern and where this pattern may stem from. When you’re ready, journal about what you learned from this breakup that you can apply to your other relationships moving forward.
4. Prioritize your self-care.
When coping with a breakup it can be tempting to dive headfirst into several pints of ice cream and repeated Netflix binges. It’s important to meet yourself where you are and allow yourself the time and space to engage in these types of activities (if desired) without shaming yourself.
However, when you feel ready, you may also want to consider the basics that fuel your body since doing so can help prime you to cope with the breakup in an adaptive manner that feels more manageable.
If you’re not sure where to start, consider realistic ways that you can engage in eating nourishing foods, moving your body regularly, and getting adequate sleep. It may feel overwhelming to make too many changes at once, so consider how you can start to incorporate small changes in these three areas of your life.
5. Be mindful of social media use and limit contact with your ex.
Staying in contact with an ex when you haven’t moved on yet can be a painful reminder of what you lost. If you’re still friends with your ex on social media, consider blocking or temporarily removing their posts from your feed. If they are still texting or emailing you, consider blocking them for now or telling them you don’t want to have contact right now.
Seeing videos, posts, texts, and/or emails from your ex may initially feel good but ultimately it can create false hope of reconciling, further exacerbate your distress, and prolong the healing process.
Read 10 Ways To Survive Post-Breakup Blues
6. Engage in new activities or hobbies you enjoy.
Use this time to explore hobbies or interests you may have been putting on the backburner. If you’re not sure where to start, consider taking a fun class where you try a new activity or try reflecting about activities that brought you joy when you were younger.
7. Practice self-compassion.
When you’re going through a breakup it can be tempting to blame yourself for mistakes you made or worry that you may never find love again but doing so can narrow your perspective and exacerbate your pain during a time when you need support the most.
Imagine if a trusted friend were in a similar situation. Would you berate your friend when they’re feeling down and tell them that they’ll never find love again?
Rather than agreeing with their negative self-talk, you would likely provide them with support and comfort. Think about what you would tell this friend and apply these same statements to yourself.
8. Reflect about previous times you’ve experienced a breakup or another painful experience.
Reflecting about a previous time in your life that was painful may sound counterintuitive but can actually help you to heal from this breakup.
Often when we experience a breakup or other difficult time period in our lives, we may fear that things won’t get better but they often do eventually. There is no doubt that being in pain isn’t fun but it can also contribute to us experiencing growth and beginning to recognize strengths we didn’t know we had.
Thinking back to these precious times in your life and remembering that you made it through as well as reflecting about what helped you get through those difficult time periods can help instill hope and give you important information about tools you can use to help yourself cope with this time around.
Read 3 Tips For Breaking Up Without Breaking Down
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or well-being.
Dr. Zarrabi is the author of Mindful Dating, a Psychology Today blog about attraction and relationship patterns. Check it out at www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating
Written by Roxy Zarrabi
Originally Appeared In Dr. Roxy Zarrabi
Dealing with a breakup is simpler than it sounds, but with time it does get easier. If you want your breakup to turn into a breakthrough, then you need to be patient with yourself. Take one day at a time, and try to follow the pointers mentioned. With time, you will see that you feel a lot better and stronger from the inside.
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