5 Ways Being Raised By A Narcissist Negatively Affects Your Life

How to tell if you were raised by a narcissist? Are there any effects of being raised by a narcissist? This article is going to speak in detail about how does being raised by a narcissist affect you, and the signs of being raised by a narcissist.

If you were raised by a Hijackalยฎ* parent, deep down, you know youโ€™re not fine. You say you are, but youโ€™re not. Maybe, you canโ€™t even put your finger on how you know youโ€™re not.

I want to help with that. You may not have all five of these deep-down beliefs about yourself, but I hope this opens you up to the understanding of what an awful gift your Hijackal parent gave you.

Why?

So you can work it through, replace the mistaken beliefs, and recover fully.

Related: THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT

Your brain grows until you are in your mid-twenties. Itโ€™s true. But, by then, you are on a path, and you may not even take time to examine what has happened to you.

Itโ€™s just what you do, where youโ€™re going, and with whom. You donโ€™t recognize the impact of all that happened while your brain was developing. And, itโ€™s HUGE!

Think about this: What was going on in your house before you even had a language? Who was there? Were they happy you were? Were they annoyed by your presence?

When raised by a narcissist, you were busy experiencing life by putting everything in your mouth, exploring everything you could touch, and trying to make those โ€œGiantsโ€โ€“whom you needed to keep you aliveโ€“interested and happy.

You smiled, laughed, and made encouraging noises, trying to attract them. That didnโ€™t work. You cried. They responded.

How? Lovingly? Happily? Warmly?

Or, were they giving you the feeling that you were a nuisance, annoying, and wasting their precious time?

That all makes a BIG difference in how you feel about yourself now.

(Of course, if youโ€™ve already recognized the need to get help and changed this, youโ€™re recognizing all this with a sigh of relief. Good for you!) Unrecognized, it can ruin your relationships, keep you feeling inadequate, and undermine your success.

Think about these five deep, dark, underlying truths about your life today. They are the awful gifts you unwillinglyโ€“and unwittinglyโ€“received from a Hijackal parent (or primary caretaker.)

5 Ways Being Raised By A Narcissist Negatively Affects Your Life

1) You donโ€™t believe anyone can really love you.

Even when they say they do, and they cross rings of fire for you, you are still suspect. Thatโ€™s because a Hijackal parent left you feeling unlovable, never good enough, and broken down.

Oh, yes, you may have a tough exterior that makes other people think that you walk on water, but, inside, you know that no one will ever really love you. It keeps you from ever having the emotional intimacy you so want.

Related: Six Kinds of Emotional Abuse by Narcissistic Parents

2) You donโ€™t trust anyone.

You want to. You really do. And, so you seem to. But, when raised by a narcissist there is always a nagging question in the back of your mind. Am I making a mistake? Am I wrong?

Even though they seem to be telling me the truth, and their behavior seems to follow, you question it. You also will enter into a relationship and want to trust with all your heart.

And, you do. Until the first moment that there is a glimmer of a question.

โ€œWhere is s/he?โ€
โ€œDid s/he lie to me?
โ€œHas s/he always lied to me?โ€
โ€œAm I a fool?โ€
โ€œI always knew s/he couldnโ€™t really be trusted.โ€

Those run through your head, right? You donโ€™t want to be wrong. You want to be wise, so, youโ€™re always wary. That makes it very difficult to actually trust someone.

raised by a narcissist

3) You have trouble with intimacy.

Real intimacy, is the kind that makes you feel close, relaxed, cherished, known, appreciated, loved and accepted.

Hijackal parent, can I be loved, am I lovable, difficult people, no intimacy, pushed away- it goes along with your inability and unwillingness to trust another person fully.

Itโ€™s your vigilant wariness. Children raised by a narcissist or a Hijackal parent learn early on that they have to be vigilant, maybe even hyper-vigilant.

The Hijackal seemed unpredictable. Would you get the smiling one who thought you walked on water or the harsh one who thinks youโ€™re a nuisance?

It depended on the hour, so you became very good at people-pleasing. Over the years, you turned yourself into both a pretzel and a doormat.

In fact, you may still be doing that in your current relationships. When you have a Hijackal parent, you are trained to do that to survive!

Intimacy requires the ability to trust. Thatโ€™s hard for you.

Related: How Children Of Obsessed Parents End Up Feeling Lost and Empty

4) You seldom feel safe.

Obviously, this goes along with the lack of trust, but it extends to your whole world. If youโ€™re like me, you were abused at home.

That happened at night, all in secret, and it produced opposing feelings simultaneously: youโ€™re scared and you think the person is supposed to love you.

How can you be safe?

When raised by a narcissist, you tend to live with one eye scanning the world for predators, while the other is trying to enjoy the person or world in front of you.

And, these feelings may have gone far underground. You donโ€™t realize that they are still way down-deep, running the programs of your life.

Thatโ€™s why you need to love yourself enough to get some help. These feelings can keep you from ever experiencing real love, even the honest, real love, and affection from friends.

raised by a narcissist

5) You are starved for approval, the approval that you can believe and accept.

A Hijackal parent is in competition with you. Because thatโ€™s true, s/he will withhold approval from you. Yes, they sometimes give it. But, they manage to take it away immediately. You did a great job with that. I wish you could do that with everything, but thatโ€™s hoping for too much.

Withholding approval is a Hijackal tactic! If s/he approved of you, youโ€™d have an edge. It would somehow make you an equal. No Hijackal parent wants that. My mother used to say that she couldnโ€™t say anything good about me or I would get a swelled head.

What a perfect Hijackal parent remark! She justified her unwillingness to approve of me immediately. Oh, and her friends bought it, too.

You are constantly invalidated by the Hijackal parent. Often, the other parent is silent or agrees to keep the peace. Double whammy!

That makes it very difficult for you to ever believe a compliment deep down, or to ever believe that a wonderful, healthy, loving, approving person, free of Hijackal games, actually loves you.

So many of my clients have confessed that they actually looked for somewhat nasty people. They are who they believe they deserve. ITโ€™S NOT TRUE!

Does this help you make sense of those deep-down feelings, the ones undermining your self-esteem, self-concept, and self-confidence? Those will also be the ones that damage your relationships with yourself and others.

Related: The 5 Child Roles In Dysfunctional Families

A Hijackal parent did that to you. Itโ€™s not your fault. And, itโ€™s not true. Learn how to replace these underlying beliefs. They are sabotaging you and your relationships. Be free to live an authentic, empowered life now.

Hijackalsยฎ is my term for the difficult, disturbing, toxic people in life, which includes narcissists, borderlines, avoidant personality disorders (like psychopath and sociopath), and histrionics.

If you would like more help from Dr. Shaler, subscribe to her weekly Tips for Relationshipsย and listen to herย Relationship Help Showย every Wednesday at 11 am Pacific. Sheโ€™s here to help you withย small group consultingย andย private sessions.

ยฉ Rhoberta Shaler, PhD ย 

Want to know more about being raised by a narcissist? Check this video out below!


Written byย Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
raised by a narcissist
Raised By Narcissist Negatively Affects Life pin

— Share —

,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

4 Zodiac Signs Trapped by False Hope And Unrealistic Dreams

Zodiac Signs Trapped by False Hope Unrealistic Dreams

Weโ€™ve all been there, holding on to a dream or expectation long after itโ€™s clear it wonโ€™t come true. Sometimes, that glimmer of hope is hard to let go of, even when reality is staring us in the face. Below are 5 zodiac signs trapped by false hope, prone to clinging to unrealistic dreams.

These zodiac signs often find themselves stuck, waiting for something that might never happen. They are the ones who hold on to unrealistic dreams or expectations, even when they know deep down that the odds are slim.

Up Next

Things People Learn Too Late In Life: 7 Eye-Opening Life Lessons

Things People Learn Too Late in Life Eye Opening Life Lessons

Life is full of unexpected events and sometimes there are things people learn too late. Though some lessons come with age and experience, as time goes by, we often wish we had known some important truths sooner.

These moments of truth can be very shocking as well as transformative, they help us live authentically, appreciate what truly matters, and make the most of our time. Below are seven crucial life lessons people learn too late and can still change the way they approach life.

7 Things People Learn Too Late In

Up Next

Anger and Emotions: What’s Really Setting Us Off?

Anger and Emotion Whats Really Setting Us Off

Ever wonder whatโ€™s really fueling your anger and emotions? Discover how a mindful approach can help you regain inner peace in your life!

Taking a mindful approach to exploring why we are angry.

Key points

Anger is a secondary emotion.

Anger is a warning sign that lets us know there is an issue to address.

Knowing what we are feeling will help us to address the source of our anger.

Anger can hit us when we least expect it. There are some people who get angry and not know what they are angry about. The

Up Next

Master Your Mind: 8 Subtle Clues Extraverted Intuition Is At Work

Is Extraverted Intuition Guiding You Subtle Clues

If youโ€™ve ever wondered how extraverted intuition works or if you might have it yourself, youโ€™re in the right place. Extraverted intuition (often abbreviated as Ne) is a personality trait that shows up as a knack for spotting connections, exploring ideas, and picking up on possibilities others might overlook.

Itโ€™s like a mental compass, pointing toward new insights, and itโ€™s often subtle but powerful.

Weโ€™re going to look at 8 little-known extraverted intuition signs is at play, helping you spot and harness this amazing skill set in your everyday life.

Let’s first start with what is extraverted intuition.

Related:

Up Next

How I Hacked My Personality: Steps To Be The Better Version Of Myself

How I Hacked My Personality

Can we truly reshape our personalities for lasting change? Discover Dr. Shannon Sauer-Zavala’s article “How I hacked my personality” and learn how small shifts in mindset and behavior can lead to meaningful transformation in your life.

A Personal Perspective: Science-backed strategies for intentional trait change.

Key points

Research suggests that personality changes over time.

We can speed up personality change by taking intentional action.

Changes that are reinforced by the environment are easier to maintain.

Up Next

Women Empowerment: The Rebecca Effect in “Ted Lasso”

Rebecca Effect In Ted Lasso Women Empowerment

Can women turn negative experiences into empowerment? Discover the โ€œRebecca Effectโ€ from Ted Lasso and transform your personal trials into powerful self-acceptance!

Personal Perspective: Empowering women to transform shame and betrayal.

Key points

“Ted Lasso” inspired with imperfect, endearing characters whose trials and transformations mirrored our own.

The โ€œRebecca Effectโ€ is the empowerment and transformation possible when we have been oppressed or shamed.

The “Rebecca Effect” is the process through which women embrace themselves in totality.

Up Next

The Healing Power of Emotional Tears

The Healing Power of Emotional Tears

Ever wondered why we shed emotional tears? Tears serve a healing purpose. Explore how it plays an important role for our well-being.

Emotional tears are an expression of our shared humanity.

Emotional tears, expressed by children, teens, and adults, are a universal experience observed across the globe. Emotional tears play a healing role, leading to our emotional and physical well-being. This post explores the value of emotional tears and the importance of presence and support from family and friends during unexpected

Read More Here: โ€œWhy Am I Always On The Verg