The 5 Stages of Love: Why Too Many Stop at Stage 3

The 5 Stages of Love Why Too Many Stop at Stage 3

The five stages of love: We all want real, lasting love, whether we are in our 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, or beyond. Yet too many marriages fall apart and most people don’t know why.

They mistakenly believe that they have chosen the wrong partner. After going through the grieving process, they start looking again. But after more than forty years as a marriage and family counselor, I have found that most people are looking for love in all the wrong places.

They don’t understand that Stage three of the five stages of love is not the end, but the real beginning for achieving real, lasting love:

Stage 1: Falling in Love

Falling in love is nature’s trick to get humans to pick a mate so that our species carries on. It feels so wonderful because we are awash in hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen. Falling in love also feels great because we project all our hopes and dreams of our lover. We imagine that they will fulfill our desires, give us all the things we didn’t get as children, deliver on all the promises our earlier relationships failed to fulfill. We are sure we will remain in love forever. And because we are besotted with “love hormones,” we’re not aware of any of this.

When we’re in love, we dismiss naysayers like curmudgeon George Bernard Shaw who cautioned:

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

Stage 2: Becoming a Couple

At this stage, our love deepens and we join together as a couple. This is a time when we have children and raise them. If we’re past the child-rearing stage, it’s the time when our couple bond deepens and develops. It’s a time of togetherness and joy. We learn what the other person likes and we expand our individual lives to begin developing a life of “the two of us.”

During this phase, we experience less of the falling head-over-heels “in love” feelings. We feel more bonded with our partners. We feel warm and cuddly. The sex may not be as wild, but it’s deeply satisfying. We feel safe, cared for, cherished, and appreciated. We feel close and protected. We often think this is the ultimate level of love and we expect it to go on forever. We are often blind-sided by the turn-around of stage three.

Stage 3: Disillusionment

No one told us about Stage three in understanding love and marriage. Stage three is where my first two marriages collapsed and for too many relationships this is the beginning of the end. This is a period where things begin to feel bad. It can occur slowly or can feel like a switch is flipped and everything goes wrong. Little things begin to bother us. We feel less loved and cared for. We feel trapped and want to escape.

We become more irritable and angry, or hurt and withdrawn. We may stay busy at work, or with the family, but the dissatisfactions mount. We wonder where the person we once loved has gone. We long for the love we once had, but we don’t know where it went, or how to get it back. One of the other partners wants out, or sometimes people go on “existing together,” but without really feeling intimate.

8 thoughts on “The 5 Stages of Love: Why Too Many Stop at Stage 3”

  1. Avatar of Missy

    Our life together began tumultuously. Just when our circumstances changed and we thought we’d truly find happiness, our relationship seemed to be coming to an end. So, when I came across this article I stopped to read. It makes sense. Looking forward to reading it to my other half.

  2. Avatar of edmore shamu

    Very exciting analysis ,truelling speaking stage 3 it challenges most of us ,am among affected am 45 nw

  3. Avatar of Avy

    Bravo your are right on the button now if you can make a potion bottle it well could heal the world

  4. Avatar of Jo Ann Filler

    Hello, my husband and I celebrated our 50th ann. this past winter. We have survived, loss of jobs, cancer, two legal separations , all from abuse . Five yrs ago, I filed for a divorce. adultery, emotional, and at the end physical abuse. I was done. I was devastated that the court Magistrate , suggested, I return home and hold my ground. We own a large home. With that suggestion, my husband was court ordered into therapy. Now, that we are living in such a state of the unknown of death. COVID-19 and that we are both 70 , I am grateful, I didn’t go through with the divorce. We still have each other, to lean on, now. I is unbelievable what we have survived as a couple, but I know how. I am a Christian, and I have prayed . I refused to give up, and leave a legacy of divorce to our son and our grandchildren. i guess that says allot , about standing your ground.

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