3 Tips for Finding the Perfect Partner for You

Why the most popular dating advice is also the most harmful.


When we learn to recognize the types of attractions of deprivation we repeatedly get drawn into, we can make the choice to avoid them. It’s not easy work, but it’s the key to a happier romantic future.

2.  Our attractions can educate us.

The Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega Y Gasset expressed this exquisitely: “The type of human being we prefer reveals the contours of our heart.” Our attractions of deprivation reveal to us the parts of ourselves we haven’t yet learned to love, which is why we allow them to be trampled upon. And our attractions of inspiration teach us the path to life happiness. I’ve come to strongly believe that the parts of ourselves we think we need to hide, suppress, and tone down are often the most beautiful and important parts — the very parts that will draw people who will love us for who we are. I call these our “Core Gifts.”

3.  As we learn to cherish our own humanity and stop trying to force ourselves into more attractive packaging, we begin to find ourselves meeting (and being attracted to) people who are kinder, more generous, and more available.

This never ceases to amaze me. And we find ourselves less likely to want to run for the hills when, amazingly, they like us back. Far better than attempting to become irresistible is the heroic act of becoming ourselves — and gaining the dignity to only choose people who value us for who we really are. That’s when our search for love stops being a painful game of chance and becomes a journey that’s truly worth our time.

Written by Ken Page L.C.S.W.

Originally appeared on Psychology Today

Printed with permission from the author

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3 Tips for Finding the Perfect Partner for You