Are you and your spouse constantly thinking about how you can rekindle the passion in your marriage, and go back to those early romantic days you shared?
How to rekindle the lost passion in your marriage?
Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three children.
Most of their conversations are about work, chores, their kidโs activities, and mundane aspects of their stale marriage.
Kendra puts it like this:
โI love Jason, butย the passion just isnโt there anymore.โ
When Kendra drops this bombshell,
Jason responds, โI thought we were doing okay, I really did.
Even though we donโt have sex much anymore,
It just seems like a phase weโre going through.
I donโt have any energy left by the time I hit the bed at night.โ
By all accounts, Kendra and Jason were passionate during the early years of their marriage. However, over the last few years, their sex life has dwindled and they rarely spend time together without their children.
Kendra seeks out Jason for sexual intimacy and Jason often pulls away.
According to experts, the most common reason couples lose their passion for each other and stop being sexually intimate is a pursuer-distancer pattern that develops over time.
Dr. Sue Johnsonย identifies the pattern of demand-withdraw as the โProtest Polkaโ and says it is one of three โDemon Dialogues.โ She explains that when one partner becomes critical and aggressive, the other often becomes defensive and distant.
Dr. John Gottmanโsย research on thousands of couples discovered partners that get stuck in this pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of divorcing in the first four to five years.
Foster Emotional Intimacy
A good sexual relationship is built on emotional intimacy and closeness. In other words, if youโre hoping to improve your physical relationship, you need to first work on your emotional connection.
Focus on meeting your partnerโs needs and communicating your own needs in a loving, respectful way.
Inย The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman explains that couples who want to rekindle their passion and love need to turn towards each other. Practicing emotional attachment can help you stay connected even when you disagree.
This means turning toward one another by showing empathy, instead of being defensive.
Both partners need to talk about their feelings in terms ofย positive need, instead of what they doย notย need.
According toย Dr. Gottman, expressing aย positive needย is a recipe for success for both the listener and the speaker because it conveys complaints and requests without criticism and blame.
Dr. Gottman says, โThis requires a mental transformation from what is wrong with oneโs partner to what oneโs partner can do that would work. The speaker is really saying, โHereโs what I feel, and what I need from you.โโ
Related: 36 Things Iโve Learned From 36 Years of Marriage
Rekindle Sexual Chemistry
During the early phase of marriage, many couples barely come up for air due to the excitement of falling in love. Unfortunately, this blissful state doesnโt last forever.
Scientistsย have discovered that oxytocin (a bonding hormone) released during the initial stage of infatuation causes couples to feel euphoric and turned on by physical touch. It actually works like a drug, giving us immediate rewards that bind us to our lover.
Holding hands, hugs, and tender touch are great ways to affirm your love for your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for sexual touch that is focused on pleasure.
Sex therapist and educator Dr. Micheal Stysmaย recommends that you set a goal of doubling the length of time you kiss, hug, and use sensual touch if you want to improve your marriage.
The sexual attraction is hard to maintain over time. For instance, Kendra and Jason lack passion because they are unwilling to give up control and show vulnerability.
As a result, they avoid sex and rarely touch each other. sex therapistย Laurie Watsonย says, โMost sexual concerns stem from an interpersonal struggle in the marriage.โ
Here are 10 tips to bring back the passion in your marriage:
1. Change your pattern of initiating sex
Maybe you are denying your partner or coming on too strong. Avoid criticizing each other and stop the โblame game.โ Mix things up to end the power struggle.
For example, distancers may want to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers try to find ways to tell their partner โyouโre sexy,โ in subtle ways while avoiding critique and demands for closeness.
2. Hold hands more often
According to authorย Dr. Kory Floyd,ย holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin causing a calming sensation. Studies show itโs also released during sexual orgasm.
Additionally, physical affection reduces stress hormones โ lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
Related: 43 Pieces of Best Marriage Advice by Top Relationship Experts
3. Allow tension to build
Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we receive it. So take your time during foreplay, share fantasies, change locations, and make sex more romantic.
4. Separate sexual intimacy from routine
Plan intimacy time and avoid talking about relationship problems and household chores in the bedroom. Sexual arousal plummets when weโre distracted and stressed.
5. Carve out time to spend with your partner
Try a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Have fun courting and practice flirting as a way to ignite sexual desire and intimacy.
Dr. Gottmanย says that โeverything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.โ
6. Focus on affectionate touch
Offer to give your partner a back or shoulder rub. People associate foreplay with sexual intercourse, but affectionate touch is a powerful way to demonstrate and rekindle passion even if you are not a touchy-feely person.
7. Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex
Share your innermost wishes, fantasies, and desires with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider engaging in individual or coupleโs therapy.
8. Maintain a sense of curiosity about sexual intimacy
Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. Look at sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time.
Related: 5 Tricks To Help Maintain Sexual Desire In A Long-Term Relationship
9. Vary the kind of sex you have
Have gentle, loving-tender, intimate, and highly erotic sex. Break up the routine and try new things as sexual needs change.
10. Make sex a priority
Set the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal along with your favorite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.
The good news is that allowing your partner to influence you can reignite the spark you once enjoyed. In fact,ย Dr. Gottmanย reminds us that friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together:
โCouples who know each other intimately [and] are well versed in each otherโs likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams are couples who make it.โ
Even if you are not a touchy-feely person, increasing physical affection and emotional attachment can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
Steal some moments from your monotonous life schedule to win back the essence of your marriage.
By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW
Itโs a very normal thing to experience when you have been married for a long time; you just need to find your way back to each other by trying to rekindle the passion in your marriage. Once you start putting in that effort to make each other feel special and happy, like you used to do in the initial days, things will go in the right direction only. You just have to start.
If you want to know more about how you can rekindle the passion in your marriage, then check this video out below:
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