“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married?” – Barbra Streisand
It’s not always a bad thing to change yourself for the woman you love. And by ‘change’, I mean ‘improve’.
When you start getting rid of certain bad habits and focus on being more responsible and understanding to create a lasting relationship with a special someone, it can actually help you become a better person. However, most of the times we tend to change ourselves completely just to impress the girl we like, even though may not want to. And this is what turns you from a high value man to a low value person which leads to a toxic relationship and eventually to a breakup.
Understanding yourself and creating your identity is crucial for becoming a high value individual. Being confident and improving your self-esteem are the core ingredients for a happy romantic relationship.
Having higher levels of self-worth makes you love yourself first and then your partner.
It doesn’t mean that you will neglect her. It simply means that you value yourself too much to tolerate any manipulation or disrespect. The sense of self-respect and self-worth makes a romantic relationship loving and healthy. High-value women want high-value men. Yet some men tend to forget that just to ‘get the girl’. But getting a girl and keeping her are very different challenges.
Men who have low self-esteem tend to perceive themselves with low value. They lack strong core values because they are constantly seeking approval. These are the kind of men who struggle to maintain the status quo. They feel the need to meet everyone else’s metric in order to feel valued. They believe that without acceptance, there is no value.
The inferiority gap is a relationship killer
“It’s a real man who can go out with a woman who’s taller than he is. That’s an alpha male right there.” – Miranda Hart
Being an alpha male is not about your size or strength. It’s about your confidence and mindset. When one lacks the belief that they are high value, it creates an inferiority gap. This sets the values of others on a pedestal and deeming them more important. As a result, these guys are liable to get run over by others.
When one feels like they are low value, they’re likely to base their feelings of success and worthiness on how well they meet the needs of others, instead of their own. Even though the entire idea of it is to gain others’ approval, this needy behavior actually repels others. Not to mention that it invites all sorts of problems into one’s life.
My first relationship after graduating from college was with Kathy(1) who was uncomfortably close with her ex-boyfriend. It bothered me that they texted so much, but I overlooked it because she was stunningly beautiful and very sexual. Her beauty leads me to create a halo effect;(2) I perceived her as more valuable than myself, despite the behavior that I found unattractive.
As a result, she walked all over me. She took vacations with her ex-boyfriend while explaining that it meant nothing when I expressed how much it frustrated me. Regardless, I stuck with an unfulfilled relationship for a good year and a half. After we broke up, I then stayed as “friends with benefits” for another year after that. She got what she wanted, but I didn’t. It created anxiety, self-doubt, and insecurities.
Toxic relationships do not occur without a reason. They occur because you tolerate negative and manipulative behavior. They occur because you engage in manipulative behavior by reacting to it in an unhealthy way. I made the bed of my toxic relationship. I was far more emotionally invested in her value instead of my own, and as a result, I tolerated her manipulative behavior for far too long.
Meet Joe. The boyfriend chameleon.
“I’m independent. If a guy is too clingy or needy, I actually get afraid of hurting him – and I can’t deal with that.” – Ashley Greene
Remember Joe, the Investment Banker who seeks external validation? One night in a local coffee shop, he introduced himself to a beautiful brunette named Sami. She had just graduated from college and was buying tickets for a rock concert. Joe is attracted to her, although he intrinsically feels repelled by her taste in music. He has never liked rock and doesn’t recognize any of the band names she mentions.