When you thought you two had a happy and bright future together, but that didnโt turn out to be true, and all you were left with were pieces of a broken relationship.
Even more than getting over the love, the time spent together, some of the hardest things to cope with during a breakup is the loss of a future together.
โWe talked about marriage, and kids.โ
โWe spent many times describing our dream home and how many dogs weโd have.โ
Yeah, those thoughts and those conversations absolutely contribute to the grieving process. In many cases (I include myself here), itโs harder to deal with this than the actual relationship and time you had.
Alongside hanging onto the future you two painted, thereโs another factor that I feel intertwines in all of this, and itโs hanging onto the story of how you two met.
Maybe you two have the same birthday and itโs like what ARE the chances!? Itโs got to be a sign, right?
Maybe you two met years ago and reconnected and it feels like fate.
Maybe you both grew up in the same town but met across the coast.
Maybe you two met when you were at work and they were a customer.
Okay, that last one was me with my ex when I worked at the pharmacy.
So, sometimes youโre trying to wrap your head about the future, and also the story of how you guys met.
It swirls in your mindโฆover and over.
Related: 4 Reasons Why You Should Dump The Guy You Have No Future With
Youโve likely talked about this with your friends at length and theyโve gently tried to nudge you that you canโt hang onto the future or onto the story of how you met.
But, Iโm here to tell you that your grieving process is your own, and itโs perfectly normal (and expected in many ways) to grieve the loss of the future.
In this process, you might ask yourself (on repeat), โso why did they say they loved me if they didnโt see a future?โ
โWhy did they paint those elaborate vacations we had planned if they were never planning on taking me on them?โ
Honestly, I canโt answer this for you. What I can say is that asking questions about WTF happened during your relationship is healthy and normal when youโre working through your breakup.
But Nancy, โshould I get closure from them?โ
โShould I text them my angry messages to let them know how I feel about how they completely fooled me?โ
Hereโs my response: Listen to your intuition. If that subtle voice is saying, โdonโt text, donโt text, DONโT TEXTโ but you feel like you canโt control itโฆ.
Do this meditation.
Itโs amazing what a perfectly-timed meditation can do to stop you from doing something you MAY regret.
But, truthfully, itโs so hard to let go of those future plans you made. What helps me in these moments when I feel like Iโm clinging to the โwhat could have beenโ is reminding myself of all the times things DIDNโT work out, and how grateful I am because of that.
I think about the job interviews, the first dates, and so many other things like even when I wanted to buy something and it was sold out, only to see I bought something way more suited for me a week later.
Itโs only in the future when we can look back and really connect the dots as to way things went the way they did.
I know when I was going through my last breakup, I held on for a long time to future-based visions of us, and that was my process. But eventually, through self-compassion and time, I allowed myself to see that thereโs a better plan unfolding for me.
Truly, and I can sit here and type this to you because I have been where you are. It feels like you wonโt meet someone as great, or youโre never going to stop hurtingโฆbut you will if you can just see even just a tiny little bit that this might be part of the plan.
Related: The Painful Side Of Love โ When Two People in Love Can Never Be Together
If youโre like โNancy I want to believe that but today I just feel so hurt I canโt,โ then take your time.
Thereโs no set time to heal from a breakup. Itโs your process. Cry it out. Throw a pity-party and stay in bed if you need to (for the 4th day in a row). Take care of yourself the best way you know how.
And then, when youโre feeling a glimpse of hope, consider that youโre exactly where you need to be, and thereโs a beautiful plan unfolding for you.
Love,
Nancy
If you have any questions, you can contact Nancy Ruth Deenย here.
Written By Nancy Ruth Deen Originally Appeared In Hello Breakup
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