There Are Two Views to Every Conflict and Both Are Valid

 / 

This is how you will know that there are two different valid views of every conflict.

Heatherโ€™s voice raises as she says, โ€œHow can you not see it my way? Itโ€™s the truth and you know it. Youโ€™re just too stubborn to admit it!โ€

Jason responds,

โ€œThatโ€™s not what happened at all. How can you not see that? Iโ€™m right, youโ€™re wrong. You admit it!โ€

I step in, โ€œHey, Iโ€™m going to stop you guys because it feels like weโ€™re missing each other.โ€

They both look at me as Heather says, โ€œWellโ€ฆ Whoโ€™s right? Me or him?โ€

โ€œYou both are. Let me explain.โ€

Heather and Jasonโ€™s argument demonstrates one of the most common problems during the conflict: often, partners see each other as enemies rather than intimate allies in a battle against misunderstanding.

This is why partners use theย four horsemenย and blame each other for their relationship problems, which is destructive to their emotional bond and leads to more disconnection and fighting.

To turn things around during your nextย State of the Unionย conversation, when you are the Speaker make sure you pay attention to the โ€œTโ€ in Dr. Gottmanโ€™s ATTUNE conversation model.

The โ€œTโ€ stands for tolerance which, means accepting that every situation can yield two different yet valid perspectives that deserve equal weight. To help you do this, I want to share three perspective shifts that have done wonders for couples.

These three perspective shifts also remind us that there is always something worth learning from your partnerโ€™s viewpoint.

By gaining a new perspective on what is going on, conflict stops functioning as a barrier to connection and becomes a bridge to understanding each other better.

Conflict is in the space between

One perspective shift I talk about with couples is shifting from viewing the problem as the other personโ€™s fault to viewing the problem as inhabiting the space between each other.

When couples are fighting, I like to use the metaphor that partners are like separate islands with murky water separating them.

Instead of trying toย fix each other, partners should focus on cleaning that murky water. After the water is cleaned up, both partners can dive below the surface of whatย appearsย to be going on to discover what isย actuallyย going on.

The island visual is also helpful because it figuratively illustrates that we need to travel to our partnerโ€™s island to see their perspective of the world.

Typically when we are in conflict, we become stuck on our island and start throwing verbal rocks at our partnerโ€™s island. But if we swim over, walk around, and see the problem from their vantage point, we increase the chances of shifting our perspective to โ€œOh, I can totally understand how you see it this way. That makes perfect sense to me.โ€

Once you accept the idea that in every disagreement there are always two valid points of view, itโ€™s no longer necessary to argue for your own position.

Instead, you can empathize with your partnerโ€™s feelings and really understand their โ€œisland.โ€ This doesnโ€™t mean you have to agree, but itโ€™s vital that you understand where they are coming from.

When you do this and your partner does this for you, it becomes much easier to find a solution that works for both of you.

Read 3 Useful Blueprints For Managing And Resolving Conflict In Relationships

Finding the elephant in the room

Thereโ€™s a tale about six blind men who wanted figure out what an elephant is by touching it:

Two Views to Every Conflict

When the first man touched the leg he said, โ€œHey, the elephant is a pillar.โ€
The second man said, โ€œNo, itโ€™s like a rope,โ€ when he touched the tail.
The third said, โ€œNo, itโ€™s like a thick branch of a tree,โ€ as he touched the trunk of the elephant.
The fourth man said, โ€œItโ€™s like a big hand fan,โ€ as he touched the ear.
The fifth man said, โ€œNo, itโ€™s a huge wall,โ€ as he touched the belly of the elephant.
The sixth man said, โ€œItโ€™s a solid pipe,โ€ as he touched the tusk of the elephant.

The men began to argue about the elephant and each one insisted they were right.

To you and me, itโ€™s clear: they are all right. The point is that in practically every fight there is an invisible elephant in the room, and the truth about that elephant lies somewhere in the middle of both perspectives.

Even the grayness of the elephant metaphorically implies that there is no single view of the โ€œfacts.โ€ Often problems are not black or white.

The moral of the story is to acknowledge that your partnerโ€™s perspective is just as valid as yours. You donโ€™t have to agree, but, to work through a regrettable incident, you need to show respect for their opinions.

With one fighting couple I worked with, the husband and wife were unwilling to understand the otherโ€™s perspective. I told the couple about the elephant.

Later that night as the wife was cooking dinner, the husband began to act like a mime feeling the air. The wife looked at him with a What is wrong with you? kind of look and he responded, โ€œIโ€™m trying to find the elephant in the room. Can you tell me what youโ€™re seeing so we can figure out what this elephant is together?โ€

She chuckled and they started working together to figure out what this particular elephant looked like and why it was awkwardly standing in the room of their relationship.

Read Conflict Is A Normal And Natural Part Of Your โ€œHappily Ever Afterโ€

Check your jersey

The third perspective shift I like to tell couples is what I call the โ€œCheck Your Jerseyโ€ approach. Often in conflict, we feel like we are on different teams, trying to score points against each other.

When this happens, both partners lose. The goal of a conflict discussion is to find the best win-win for both partners. Sometimes this requires compromiseโ€”other times all partners need is to feel understood.

Itโ€™s helpful to imagine that underneath each partnerโ€™s clothes are a jersey of the same color. At times we forget and pass the ball to the wrong team, but if we check our jersey we can remind ourselves to pass to each other, work together, and score points against the team of misunderstanding.

If you struggle to respect your partnerโ€™s perspective, it might be because you see your partner on the other team. This is common.

We often highlight our positive qualities and label our partner with negative ones. This is what Fritz Heider calls the Fundamental Attribution Error. Itโ€™s pretty much like saying, โ€œIโ€™m okay; youโ€™re defective.โ€

This competitive view stands in the way of resolving relationship conflicts. The way to handle this is to perceive the qualities in your partner that you perceive in yourself (which is just another way of being on the same team).

As Heather put it, โ€œYes, heโ€™s being selfish right now, but so am I. Maybe we each need to be a little selfish so we can make our relationship work.โ€

These three shifts are helpful because they remind us to attune to our partnerโ€™s side of the story. One of the vital elements of Dr. Gottmanโ€™s State of the Union conflict conversation is to not persuade, problem solves, or compromise until both partners can state each otherโ€™s positions to satisfaction.

His 40 years of research on thousands of couples have shown that problem solving before partners feel understood is counterproductive.

Read Help Your Partner Understand Your Side of the Conflict in 3 Steps

Next week we are going to give you the secret recipe for asking for your needs to be met in a way that helps your partner meet them. Stay tuned.

By Kyle Benson


There Are Two Views to Every Conflict and Both Are Valid

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Your ADHD/Autistic Partner Shows Love

Neurodivergent Love Languages

All minds are not wired the same way to express and show love. For those on the autism spectrum or with ADHD, affection might look a bit different. Below are five neurodivergent love languages to help you understand love from a different perspective!

We know about Gary Chapmanโ€™s The Five Love Languages, but these languages arenโ€™t designed for neurodiverse individuals โ€“ who express care and affection differently. Sometimes their loved ones donโ€™t recognize how they share their feelings, or why they act like they do.

So, letโ€™s take a look at ADHD and autistic love languages, which might take on different forms to show how they like to receive affection.

Up Next

Complacency: The Silent Killer Of Relationships

How Complacency Can Ruin A Perfect Relationship

Has your relationship slipped into complacency? When comfort leads to blurred boundaries, itโ€™s time to reignite the spark. Learn how to refresh your connection together!

Can being too comfortable in a relationship lead to the end?

Key points

Complacency can happen over time in relationships.

Becoming too comfortable leads to blurred boundaries.

There are ways to refresh a relationship if complacency sets in.

Up Next

10 Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy: Why Sheโ€™s the Best Girlfriend Youโ€™ll Ever Have

Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy

Dating a tomboy brings an exciting mix of fun, friendship, and romance. When youโ€™re dating a tomboy, youโ€™re in for a relationship thatโ€™s refreshingly different. Sheโ€™s someone whoโ€™s down-to-earth, ready for adventure, and brings out the best in everyone around her.

From shared hobbies to spontaneous plans, being with her is all about enjoying life without pretenses or drama.

If youโ€™re curious about what makes her such an amazing partner, here are 10 surprising perks that prove dating a tomboy might just be the best decision youโ€™ll ever make!

Related: 10 Things You Need To Know If Yo

Up Next

How Playfulness Can Transform Your Love Life

How Playfulness In A Relationship Can Transform Your Love Life

Is your relationship feeling stale or distant? Wondering how to reignite the spark? Discover how bringing playfulness into your love life can create deeper connections and renewed passion.

Looking to revive a dying flame? Try the power of play.

Key points

The four types of relationship playfulness are other-directed, intellectual, whimsical, and lightheartedness.

Other-directed and intellectual are the most highly predictive of relationship satisfaction.

All types of playfulness are related to at least some facet of relationship well-being.

Up Next

7 Types Of Intimacy To Deepen Your Relationship

Ever wondered how to deepen your bond with your partner? Learning these 7 different types of intimacy in a relationship that can bring you closer in meaningful ways. Try it out now!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Intimacy is important, but how do we cultivate it?

Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

For some people love doesnโ€™t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So hereโ€™s pebbling love language โ€“ inspired by penguins. Letโ€™s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

What I

Up Next

Can TikTokโ€™s โ€˜Meeting Someone Twice Theoryโ€™ Really Lead To Love?

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory โ€“ is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

So letโ€™s learn how the universe