Mindfulness of feelings is one of the four foundations of mindfulness in Buddhist Psychology. Mindfulness is essential for healthy relationships. Read on to know why.
Being human means having a longing to connect with others. Intimacy is the felt sense of connection with another person. The important question is this: What does it take to experience warm, safe, and fulfilling connections in our lives?
Some people are attracted to each other based upon an image thatโs being projected, such as being โsuccessful,โ beautiful, or interesting. But this superficial attraction doesnโt offer the intimacy we desire. Such attractions are short-lived at best. They are destined to curdle into distance and dissatisfaction when people inevitably discover who we really are, including the secret fears, hurts, and challenges we conceal. If weโre not moving toward a rich and alive intimacy based upon a deeper sharing of our innermost lives, we might become rather boring to othersโand bored with ourselves.
Rather than strive to be someone who we think people will like, we need to discover what it means to be ourselves. A path toward genuine intimacy begins by allowing ourselves to be seen as we really are. Staying connected to the energy of our own beingโresting comfortably in ourselvesโcreates a foundation for people to come toward us.
Intimacy happens as we show who we really are. Showing who we require knowing who we are. This means pausing, looking inside, and being connected to the ever-changing inner world of our feelings and preferences.
We canโt expect others to feel drawn toward us if weโre not willing to take the risk to be vulnerable and reveal the ever-changing textures of our inner world.
Related: Why โFeeling Seenโ Can Help You Be More Authentic
Being Mindful Of Our Feelings
We often run on automatic pilotโnot slowing down enough to look inside and discover what weโre really feeling. As weโre getting to know someone as a potential friend or partnerโor perhaps even with our partner or good friend, we might be afraid to share feelings that might be uncomfortable or threatening. We might be afraid of rejection or being seen as weak or pitiful. Yet if we want close, trusting relationships, we need to know and show whatโs going on inside us.
Mindfulness-based practices have become popular these daysโand for good reason. Yet teachers of mindfulness andย meditationย often miss something importantโbeing mindful of our life of feelings. โSpiritualย bypassingโ is a term that has gained popularity, which refers to a tendency to strive for spiritual growth in a way that circumvents our authentic, though oftentimes uncomfortable, feelings and needs.
Mindfulness is limited if it doesnโt include bringing awareness to our inner life of feelings, such as sadness, hurt,ย shame,ย anger,ย fear, or delight. Mindfulness can be applied to our primary, authentic desires, such as when we need a hug or need to talk. Itโs important to know when we feel hurt by a partnerโs or friendโs comment so that we donโt allow the relationship to decay due to neglect, false pride, or fear.
Feelings and desires are the way life speaks to us. Sharing our feelings and needs is an essential way to know each other more intimately. If we keep our emotions and wants hidden, we donโt give people a chance to know us and feel closer to us. We canโt expect intimacy to blossom if weโre not willing to allow ourselves to be seen as we are, which sometimes means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable or a bit awkward.
This isnโt to suggest that we recklessly express every feeling we notice, regardless of the consequences or a personโs capacity to hear us. We need boundaries and a felt sense of when it feels relatively safe and โrightโ to share our precious feelings with another person.
Staying Isolated
We often keep our feelings hidden from ourselves, fearful that they might overwhelm us or get us into some kind of trouble. Staying hidden keeps us isolated.ย Emotional intelligenceย includes the capacity to identify and manage our emotional life and offerย empathyย toward others. If we want to be happy in our relationships, we need to enter our world of feelings in an intelligent, mindful way โ and then reveal those feelings to people we want to connect with.
Mindfulness of feelings is one of the four foundations of mindfulness in Buddhist Psychology, If we want to live as conscious, awake person, we need to find ways to access our felt experiences.
Iโve found focusing to be a useful complement to meditation. It is a kind of mindfulness practice that provides a helpful structure for helping us go inside and be with our experience just as it is, without judging ourselvesโand listen to theย wisdomย of our feelings.
If we want more intimate, richer relationships, we need to take intelligent risks to share our authentic feelings with people we want to feel close to, as well as listen empathically when others share their feelings. We need to listen closely to the tender feelings that we might normally bypass.
Related: How Accepting Things You Cannot Change Makes You Finally Free To Be Yourself
We need to practice being gentle and accepting toward our feelings. Then, even if they are not well received, we are there for ourselves.
Our only real power is to honor and validate our authentic self even if others donโt respond positively. But if we can find the courage to risk revealing our authentic experience, we might find that others appreciate, respect, and like us even more.
Written by: John Amodeo Originally appeared on: Psychology Today You may access John's free online articles with Psychology Today and check out his books by visiting his website: www.johnamodeo.com Republished with permission
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