Find out how state of union meetings will strengthen your relationship.
Leo Tolstoy’s book Anna Karenina begins,
Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Dr. Gottman’s four decades of research tells a different story.
Following thousands of couples (some for multiple decades), Gottman found that the couples who would eventually divorce were more alike than different.
They used the Four Horsemen, ignored bids for connection, and failed to accept influence.
Maybe you get upset because your partner spends more money than you do. Or you feel like your partner doesn’t pay enough attention to you, or expects you to take care of household duties and chores.
These hurt feelings can act like a snowball rolling down a hill: out of control, exponentially growing in size, and eventually smashing into and breaking down the walls of your Sound Relationship House.
If you don’t repair the seemingly minor (and sometimes super big) things, then your Story of Us is bound to focus on the negative events in your memory.
This promotes negative feelings towards your partner and eventually leads to more conflict and more disconnection.
In my work with couples, I’ve found that when each partner is willing to focus on the underlying feelings of the conflict, the problem stops functioning as a barrier to connection. Instead, conflict becomes a catalyst for closeness and understanding.
Conflict as an opportunity
One moment everything is fine in your relationship; the next, a fight breaks out. That’s why it’s important to set aside consistent, dedicated time to talk about what’s on your heart.
It gives both partners the assurance that a problem will get the air time it needs and for hurt feelings to be healed.
To help couples facilitate this, Dr. Gottman created what he calls the “State of the Union” meeting. The purpose of this meeting is to ensure that both partners feel heard and understood before problem-solving together.
When couples meet once a week for an hour, it drastically improves their relationship because it gives the relationship space to have constructive conflict and the partners an opportunity to get on the same team.
In Dr. Gottman’s research, he discovered that partners cannot compromise or solve the problem until each of you say, “Yes! You understand me. That’s exactly how I’m feeling.” Doing so opens up both of you to understand each other’s perspective and to working together to create a win-win solution.
Over the next several weeks, we are going to show you in easy, actionable ways how to hold your own meaningful State of the Union conversation.
You’ll learn how to speak so your partner will understand you. You will learn how to listen so that your partner feels heard. And, most importantly, you will learn how to work together to find solutions to disagreements that work for both of you.
Based on research, this powerful method can transform barriers of hurt and misunderstanding into bridges of connection.
To best prepare, before you embark on this State of the Union journey, it’s important to warm up.
The pre-conflict warm up
Going to the gym and starting with my maximum weight on the bench press is bound to injure my body.
Instead, if I start with a lesser weight to allow my muscles to warm up and gradually increase the weight, I’m much more likely to have an effective workout and achieve healthy success.
Just like in the gym, couples need a pre-conflict warm up before diving right into a discussion.
1. Before you start, grab two notebooks and some pens so you can take notes about your partner’s feelings and your own thoughts.