Sliding vs Deciding
As a couple, have you and your partner ever considered the danger of sliding, and what it can do to your relationship in the long run?
Daniel and Sarah came to me for couples therapy because they were uncertain about the future of their marriage. Daniel had just moved out. They were both unhappy and considering divorce.
In our first session, they described meeting each other in college. After graduating, they moved in together and soon after she was pressuring him to propose, but he wasnโt ready to take the next step.
โIโm not sure I ever wanted to get married,โ he told me.
He knew he didnโt want to break up with her. But with pressure from both families to โsettle down,โ he reluctantly gave in. For him, marrying never truly felt like the right fit. Now seven years and two kids later, they landed in my office.
Sliding vs Deciding: When getting married
According to Scott Stanley, Ph.D. and Galena Rhoades, Ph.D. in a report titled โBefore I Doโ sponsored by The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, a generation or two ago, people formed relationships and made commitments differently than they do today. Back then, couples made more intentional decisions to get married, move in together, and have children.
Today, according to Stanley and Rhoades, marriage comes near the end of the line. About 90% of couples have sex before marriage, according to one study, and about four in ten babies are born to unmarried parents. Most couples live together before getting married.
After surveying more than one thousand American couples, Stanley and Rhoades came to a major conclusion:
Some couples slide through major relationship transitions, while others make intentional decisions about moving through them. The couples in the latter category fare better.
The unintentional decision to slide into marriage, as in Daniel and Sarahโs case, is where one or both partners find themselves agreeing because getting married seems like the next โlogicalโ step.
Are you thinking of taking the next step with your partner? Read Does Marriage Make a Person Happier In The Long Term?
Commitment is critical
Commitment is one of the โweight-bearing wallsโ of Dr. John Gottmanโs Sound Relationship House. Itโs about demonstrating through your words and actions that you are in the relationship for better or for worse, and that you can count on each other.
As Certified Gottman Therapist Zach Brittle puts it, โcommitment is about choice. And itโs not just choosing your partner. Itโs about choosing the relationship, day after day.โ Commitment is critical regardless of your relationship status, whether youโre dating, cohabiting, or married.
Without commitment, couples begin to nurture resentment for what they think is missing in their relationship instead of nurturing gratitude for what they have.
Interested to know more about how marriage actually works? Read 30 Pieces Of Marriage Advice From People Married For Over 30 Years
If youโre worried that you may be sliding into marriage instead of deciding, here are five questions to discuss with your partner about the intentionality of your relationship.
1. Why do we want to get married?
2. What will we do if our marriage gets off track?
3. What can we do to get better clarity about our future together?
4. What are our views of marriage based on our families of origin?
5. What core values do we share about having children, religion, finances, work ethic, and general philosophies about life?
Getting married is a big decision and an even bigger step when it comes to your relationship. So naturally, a decision like this must be taken when you and your partner feel that it is something you both want to do, not what you think you should. The danger of sliding into marriage can severely harm your relationship in the future, and might even end up disintegrating it.
If you want to know more about the sliding versus deciding, then you might like this video:
Written by Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT
Originally appeared in The Gottman Institute
Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida where she specializes in couples therapy. She is a go-to media contributor and freelance writer for all things relationships, love, marriage, dating, and divorce. Check out her self-help book for single women titled,ย Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships. For more information, visit her website:ย www.DrMarniOnline.com. This article was originally published atย www.gottman.com.ย
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