Divorce can be a tough life event. For some, divorce can be wonderful. Regardless of your perspective, there is one key concept that takes place in every divorce. That is, are you on the offensive or defensive? You may be asking yourself – What is he talking about? This isn’t a sporting event with an offense and a defense. True, however, the offense and defensive response in a divorce does have an immediate impact. Here is some context.
In a divorce, one person ‘triggers’ the divorce process – that is the ‘offense’. The recipient of this news can be considered the ‘defense’.
Let’s say you are a guy and you have had it. The relationship is toast, you are exhausted, frustrated, and ready for a new chapter. In your mind and heart, you know (or at least you think you know) what you want, which is out of your marriage. That’s it. You’ve decided that enough is enough. You have the list in your head. You tell your spouse that you want out. Boom. Your position is the offensive – you were the one who vocalized it and made it official. You know what you want. You have a vision. You are ready to be done.
The defense is the complete opposite of the offense. Perhaps you are a guy who has thought about separating, maybe moving out, and maybe divorce – someday. Your spouse approaches you and tells you that she or he wants a divorce. In this situation, your spouse is initiating the divorce–or at least vocalizing it first–before you. When in the defensive position, you do not know all of what your spouse is thinking, wanting, or what they will want. You are ‘caught off guard’ and are now reacting to your spouse telling you that they want a divorce.
In the offensive role, you know what you want, and you deliver the message to your spouse. In the defensive role, you are the recipient. While you might have an idea of what you want, you do not have visibility into what is going on in your spouse’s head. You are reacting to your partner telling you that they want a divorce. In some cases, you might be getting caught ‘off-guard’. Even in cases where the guy may be thinking divorce might be a potential, actually hearing it, or perhaps reading it via text, from your spouse, can sting. And cause you to ‘react’. Hence, being defensive.
Why does this matter?
When you are in an ‘offensive’ mode, you are delivering the message – you control the means, messaging, tone, and overall delivery. How does your spouse react? You will not know until your message is delivered, sinks in, and then she/he react to the news.
Defense mode. Be aware and be careful. Your spouse just told you she/he wants a divorce. You are caught off guard – or at least hearing it has a sting you did not expect. How do you react? How did you react? Defense mode can trigger your fight/flight response. How you react or respond is YOUR choice. Do you ‘blow a gasket’ and become verbally abusive? Make threats? Throw things? After all, your spouse just told you she/he wants out! Are you so mad that you become physical towards your soon-to-be ex-spouse? This is the extreme of defense mode. Add in substance abuse, of the legal and illegal nature, and the defense mode can take drastic and unfortunate turns.
How you respond to your spouse’s announcement that she/he want a divorce not only has immediate or in-the-moment time, but it can trickle forward.
Consider the following true story: As a paramedic, I responded to the scene of a domestic to check on one of the parties involved. An adult female sustained facial trauma after her male spouse hit her in the face in reaction to her telling him that she wanted a divorce. Substance abuse was involved, and the patient required hospital evaluation. The male spouse was handcuffed and taken to the local jail for a variety of charges.
In the above scenario, the divorce process could potentially include considering all the factors involved.
While easy to say/write, when in defense mode, be super aware of your emotions and your actions. If needed, walk away and cool down. Then re-engage. Becoming physical will not help your case – or your divorce.
Author’s Bio
Paul Murphy is the founder and creator of Divorce Detox, an online digital program designed specifically to help guys navigate their divorce successfully – and even potentially amicably. The program includes 7 modules with lessons in each module. Videos as well as learning activities are included. The content includes Paul sharing stories about his divorce, as well as divorce stories from other guys. This includes domestic and divorce-related scenes, which Paul responded to as an inner city 911 paramedic. Some of the videos are more formal, while others are casual add-ons.
Paul has been a guest on multiple podcasts, including female-hosted podcasts in foreign countries. This is significant because while religious/spiritual beliefs and legal systems may vary around the world, the core concepts of divorce are common globally. www.divorcedetoxx.com includes common topics such as budgets, mediation, legal factors, and housing. Unlike other programs, Divorce Detox also discusses less mainstream topics such as emotions, mindset, dating, and divorced life years later.
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