Gaslighting is often misunderstood, and myths about gaslighting only adds to the confusion. Understanding this and trying to break down the most common misconceptions can help us uncover the truth about this manipulative behavior.
KEY POINTS
- There’s a difference between casual phrases and patterns of manipulative behavior.
- Gaslighting can have serious consequences and leave emotional and psychological pain.
- Recognizing gaslighters can save you a lot of emotional pain and doubt.
It’s concerning how certain psychological terms can quickly become fixtures in our vocabulary. Not only that, but they are also often misused.
While it’s good to talk openly about our mental health issues, it’s problematic when those conversations are based on misinterpretations of psychological concepts—and even worse when we apply these terms to everyone we dislike.
In our effort to destigmatize mental health, we may inadvertently make things worse. We are beginning to convince ourselves that we are all victims and therefore defective, broken, or mentally ill.
Related: Identifying A Gaslighter’s Behavior: How To Spot, Stop, And Thrive
Sympathy and validation have become the new currency of social interaction, often traded without scrutiny or reflection. While well-meaning, this trend risks perpetuating a culture where labeling someone as toxic, abusive, or dysregulated becomes an easy way to dismiss disagreements or discomfort.
“Gaslighting” is one of those terms that has become overused and prevalent in passionate discussions. I notice how often the person using it doesn’t truly grasp its meaning when accusing others and describing themselves as victims of it.
In this post, I’ll address a series of myths around the term to answer questions such as: What exactly is gaslighting, and how does it differ from a simple misunderstanding? Can gaslighting be both malicious and unintentional?
Exploring these questions can help us understand this concept more accurately, distinguishing truth from fiction.
This can help us understand the nuances of psychological manipulation in personal relationships, provide clarity in therapeutic contexts, and empower individuals to recognize and address manipulative behaviors.
8 Myths About Gaslighting
1. Myth: Gaslighting is simply denying something you said or did.
Reality: While denial can be a part of gaslighting, it’s not the whole picture. Gaslighting is a pattern of behavior—not an isolated event—in which individuals attempt to confuse someone else’s sense of reality, memory, and judgment.
It involves repeated actions, such as flat-out denying things that were clearly said or done, minimizing or dismissing the other person’s concerns as unimportant or exaggerated, turning the tables to make the other person feel responsible, and fabricating stories or twisting events to create doubt and confusion.
2. Myth: Gaslighters are always conscious of their manipulation.
Reality: Gaslighters are generally deliberate in their attempts to manipulate and deceive others. They may not be fully aware of the harm they cause because they may not very reflective or empathic people.
They do gaslight with the intention to exploit vulnerabilities, using sensitive information such as identity, children, or self-worth as tools for control.
It’s also possible that some individuals may unconsciously use similar tactics to avoid responsibility or conceal their insecurities.
These individuals may not fully qualify as gaslighters in the strict sense, as their actions lack the frequency and intentionality that define true gaslighting.
3. Myth: Gaslighting is always a deliberate act.
Reality: While gaslighting is often intentional, there is nuance to this understanding. Abusers may not always be fully conscious of their tactics but are typically aware of the intention and the effects—such as causing confusion or shifting blame.
Some abusers may rationalize their behavior, believing they are entitled to act as they do. Over time, gaslighting can become a learned skill, reinforcing the gaslighter’s sense of power when their manipulation succeeds.
4. Myth: Gaslighting only happens between romantic partners.
Reality: While gaslighting frequently occurs in romantic relationships, it can also manifest in other contexts, such as friendships, family dynamics, professional environments, and even interactions with strangers.
Once an individual becomes adept at gaslighting, they may apply these tactics across various relationships, embedding them into their personality and behavior.
5. Myth: Anyone who uses certain phrases is a gaslighter.
Reality: Phrases like “You’re imagining things” or “You always blow things out of proportion” can be tools for gaslighting, but their use alone does not define the tactic.
The key to identifying gaslighting lies in the context, intent, and frequency of these phrases. Are they being used to manipulate and control, or are they occasional remarks made during heated arguments?
Isolated instances of such language do not qualify as gaslighting.
Related: 4 Levels of Being Gaslighted: From Unconscious to Malicious
6. Myth: Self-gaslighting is possible.
Reality: The term “self-gaslighting” is a misnomer. Gaslighting requires an external manipulator. While you may doubt your own memories or perceptions, this is not the same as someone deliberately manipulating you to question your sanity.
7. Myth: Gaslighting is always obvious.
Reality: Gaslighting is often subtle and insidious. When a person is aware of the effects of the tactic, they may become skillful at it, making it difficult to detect.
Especially in the early stages of a relationship or when the victim has already internalized self-doubt, making it harder to recognize manipulative tactics, or when they “trust” the individual who is quietly abusing them emotionally.
8. Myth: Gaslighters don’t know they are lying.
Reality: True gaslighters lie blatantly and deny things even when presented with clear evidence. We are assuming that a gaslighter is an emotional abuser.
They may dismiss evidence as a mistake, fabrication, or something else entirely, but they are not doubtful of their lies. They may also “forget” events or rewrite history to suit their narrative, making the victim question their perception and lose confidence.
Recognizing Gaslighting
If you’re questioning whether you have been gaslit, here are some signs to watch for:
- You constantly feel confused and off-balance.
- You find yourself apologizing frequently, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
- You second-guess your decisions and doubt your own judgment.
- You question your memories, perceptions, and interpretation of events.
- You’re afraid to express your feelings for fear of being ridiculed or dismissed.
If you notice someone engaging in behaviors that resemble gaslighting, consider addressing it directly.
Calling them in gives you the opportunity to understand the intention behind their actions and to determine whether the behavior is truly manipulative or a misunderstanding.
It also allows them the chance to recognize the harm their actions may cause and take accountability, which can potentially lead to growth and change for both parties.
Gaslighting is a serious issue, but you don’t have to either remain a victim or assume you are one if there’s no real reason for it. Trust your instincts: If something feels off, pay attention to patterns of behavior rather than isolated incidents.
Stay grounded in reality by practicing objectivity, reflecting on your triggers and trauma responses, and seeking support when needed. Avoid engaging in conversations that consistently leave you feeling confused or diminished.
Related: 20 TV Shows And Movies About Gaslighting, Manipulation, And Narcissism
And remember that you deserve relationships that empower and uplift you. Take the first step by believing in yourself.
The award winning book Traumatization and Its Aftermath (Routledge, 2023) expands on all these issues.
Written By Antonieta Contreras
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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