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Midlife Crisis and a “Silver” Divorce

I am not sure whether everyone or just some had a luck to experience midlife crisis living through the changes it brings with itself, regardless I truly wish everyone had a chance of avoiding it by any means if it is possible since it carries a lot of painful changes you need to go through, and it is not as easy as it could seem to be.

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Nevertheless, if you look at this matter from the other angle you will notice the challenges always make us stronger both mentally and emotionally.

Midlife crisis is the exact time when you go backwards through your entire life evaluating your past actions, behaviors, friendships,and relationships; it is time when you are analyzing your successes and mistakes; ups and downs, pros and cons; it is the time when you are trying based on your previous experiences to figure out where you should move on from now into your future, and where you will be in a next, let’s say, decade.

It is a pretty painful and tough process; kind of a sharp curve in your life when you begin to realize your children are grown up (if you ever had them); schools and universities are behind your back; the work is not going anywhere…still, you are desperately missing something…In fact, it bothers you the most.

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Suddenly, like a lightning from a sunny sky, comes a sharp painful realization: you are way beyond forty, a half of your life is behind you, but you keep living your life from check to check; from holiday to holiday; from a bill to a bill; from 6 am till 6 am. Forty years of your the only life went through schools, universities, diapers, parent/teacher meetings, soups, pots, meatballs, conferences, shopping, cats, dogs, bucket lists and June to June planners.

You are desperately missing LIFE. Happy, meaningful life. Period.

According to the CDC statistics there are 6.9 marriages vs 3.2 divorces out of 1000 population each year, which means in one year 50% of today’s marriages will be dissolved. In spite of, stop blaming each other, there is nothing right or wrong in either case; and, it has nothing to do with “fair” or not.

Believe it or not, time does change people. And, unfortunately, you were not an exclusion. Accept it. Time has changed both: you and your significant other.

Time has been changing you every single second since you met each other and worked hard on you while you were moving forward together all over the years. You just did not think about it yet. Later on, you would both realize you grew up into two different persons with different points of view, hobbies, goals, achievements, ideas, and preferences. Do not blame each other for this change. Possibly, one of you made an extra step forward, while another one chose to stay at still. It is neither ones’ fault, it is the choice you both once made. Hence, accept it and respect it.

The choice you have made has actually a meaning – it is called maturity.

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Maturity is a tricky partner of us. It is a secret visitor, who can make a visit either in early twenties or do not show up at all regardless of age. Now imagine for a second the lives of these 2 people under one roof.

Do you think they are still interested in each other? No.

Do you think they are both happy? No.

Do you think they listen to each other? No.

Do you think they will still stay together? No.

Some will do, there is always an exclusion: due to obligations and promises made; due to fear to see and the most important and hardest to accept the truth. Some are glued to their sofas so hard you won’t be able to scratch them off – it is so cozy, calm and warm in there, and you want them to make some moves?

Regardless, not everyone would take a risk to make a change. You need to have enough courage and strength to make those changes happen. Still, who knows what might wait for you in the future? Maybe another copy of your recent past?

Future is unknown, and the unknown is always scary and disturbing. By the way, it is one of the many problems why so many women continue staying in abusive relationships. It is really sad, disappointing, and frustrating. They would love to leave, but they are afraid of for their future and the future of their kids.

Hence, you start your mind games and crystal balling. What if…? And, what if not….? Nevertheless, there is no third choice: you are either moaning until your last breath or you embrace yourself and meet your fears face-to-face. Tertium non datur(No 3rd possibility is given – Lat). Period.

To understand exactly what your needs are – first, stop tormenting yourself, and secondly, stop torturing your partner, husband, boyfriend, wife, mistress, girlfriend or friend.

Instead, ask yourself:

  • – What am I the most afraid of?
  • – Why am I afraid of this?
  • – Well, now the most interesting question – are you ready to live the second half of your life or whatever left over the same way you has been living up to date?

Imagine that this is your last day of your life. I hope you understand no one can guarantee you additional forty and plus years of life. Ask yourself: What changes do I need to do before departing into the other dimension? Who do I need to meet with and say “Thank you” or “I am so sorry”? Who do I need to give a hug and say goodbye? Who do I need to meet up with and encourage for the best? What advice will I give my children while I am here? What do I want to do I have never done before?

If you were able to give an answer to each question – voila! Congratulations! You got a credit! You are happy!

If you were not – no worries, you still have a chance. Think through what steps you should take to find a way out. Lastly, if you can ask the questions, then you can find the answers too. Just, no rush.

Remember, both parties are responsible for their words and actions. What one might find to be silly could be extremely important for another one or vice versa. And, If one is feeling comfortable with whatever it might be, it does not mean that another one would feel the same way per se.

The fact that you are married does not mean you are already settled for the rest of your lives, and since now nothing has to be done. In marriage, spouses must grow together. If one strives forward while another one trudges behind, the last one will fall behind anyway.

A strong mutual relationship is an ability to lighten up each other and enjoy each other. At the very end it does not matter how long or how many times you had been married. What matters though is is the quality of your relationship and the peace of your mind.

Someone can get lucky right away, someone can make a couple of mistakes, regardless everyone deserves to be loved and happy. It is better to be divorced, but happy, than live together and teach your kids there is no love.

Love is the essence of life. Love wisely.

© Copyright: Hermitess, 2017

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Midlife Crisis and a Silver Divorce

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