Ok, one of the things that aren’t just in the world is that guys going through a breakup often have NO idea what to do to get through it and out the other side intact.
I remember my daughter, when she was 16, telling me about her friend who had her heartbroken. I asked her what she told her friend to do. My daughter said, “Go eat ice cream.” This is from my daughter who had never had a broken heart herself.
The same thing happened to my son. When I asked what he said, I got a shrug. That’s it.
Women, by nature, are emotional and tend to process breakups in a way where they can get past them and move on. Men, unfortunately, don’t always naturally possess the skills, nor have they been taught how to process their emotions. As a result, they can get stalled out and stay damaged after a relationship ends.
Fortunately, there are things that guys going through a breakup can do now to get through this pain and get on with their lives.
5 Things Guys Going Through A Breakup Should Do
1. Feel The Pain.
I can’t tell you how many songs I have heard over the years about men who are going through a breakup and how they do so with whiskey and women, the ultimate self-medication tools.
“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” is the prevailing wisdom I hear from many of my male friends.
Let me tell you that, while getting under someone else will make you feel better in the moment, really, it’s just a short term fix. Women and whiskey will definitely make you feel awesome in the short term but the morning after will be harsh. Not only will you not feel better about your place in the world, but you will also most likely feel worse!
It is important that, if you are going through a breakup and really struggling, you let yourself feel the pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable and even scary, but it is important that you let it in, feel it, and let it go. If you stuff it down it will just get stuck in your body and you will spend the rest of your life drinking whiskey and chasing women who aren’t good for you, always angry at the one who let you go.
I know that the prospect seems scary but, truly, feeling the pain of a broken heart, while it feels horrible, is no worse than the pain of a damaged limb, and, with treatment, you will get past it. How many times have you hurt your body over the years? Do you still have pain? I am guessing not.
So, for guys going through a breakup, know that the pain might be uncomfortable but know that, if you feel it instead of bury it, it will pass.
Related: Breaking Up for Good? 5 Ways to Make It Stick
2. Be Decisive.
So, you have just broken up with your person or they have broken up with you. How are you feeling? Alone? Scared for the future? Bored? Horny?
If you are feeling any of those things, do not reach out to your ex. Period.
What often happens after a breakup is that one or both of the partners start to feel lonely. They have been in a relationship and enjoyed having someone to play with and the breakup creates a void in which you are alone. What also happens is that we are left with more time on our hands and we get bored. Or, if we go long enough without, we might get horny and seek out a willing, and vetted, partner.
And, when you follow your instinct on any of those things and reach out to your ex unless you TRULY want to reunite with them, you will just create more of a mess than already exists. Instead of the clean break that you had, you will get on this cycle of more talks and recriminations and pain.
So, if you are tempted to reach out to your person for any reason other than a true reconciliation, don’t. It will only bring up all the pain again and prevent you from moving on.
3. Take Responsibility.
What many of us do when we are in pain is we look to blame someone else. Especially if we know we are wrong, human beings have a hard time taking a good hard look at themselves and truly accept responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship.
Now I am not saying that you need to take all of the responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship but I would encourage you to take stock and see where you might have contributed to what happened.
Did you perhaps put her second some of the time? Were you short-tempered with her when she interrupted a game? Did you consistently ignore what she asked you to do? What were you not so good at that might have led to the end of it all?
It is important to take stock of your role in a breakup so that you can learn from it and not do it again. Instead of bringing unhealthy behaviors into a new relationship, make an effort to identify yours, and set out to bring about change.
If you don’t, you will be destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over and ultimately end up alone and unhappy.
Related: 5 Essential Steps to Recovery from Heartbreak
4. Open Up.
This might be the hardest thing for guys going through a breakup to do. What I am going to ask you to do next is to find someone to talk to and be open and honest with them.
Men have, through the ages, have been taught to keep their feelings inside, that sharing their emotions might make them seem weak. As a result, men have a tendency to keep bottled up, where they never see the light of day and where they can tend to fester and rot.
When we are struggling with breakups, it’s important that we find one person we can process what we are going through, one person who can listen to us and share perspectives and help us see what went wrong and what we can do differently going forward.
If you have a friend who can play that role, use him or her. If not, find a life coach (like me!) who can help you process what you are feeling and move on!
5. Take Your Time.
As I stated above, jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. And, if you start to have sex with random women it could get even worse.
If you hop into another relationship without processing and getting over your past relationship you will simply bring all of your issues with you into your new one, dooming it for failure. Not only will you cause more pain for yourself but you will also cause pain to another person, perhaps pain like you are feeling right now.
If you decide to hop into bed with lots of random people you will only be using those women as a Band-aid for your broken heart. In reality, you will emerge from those trysts feeling empty and worse about yourself. And, once again, you will be causing other people pain.
Related: Why HeartBreaks Are Necessary For Self Discovery
As much as the instinct is there to either sleep with someone or get into another relationship, I would encourage you to pause and do some of the things listed above. I know you are feeling sad and lonely and eager to pair up again but know that, if you do it too quickly, you will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and ultimately be left alone.
Guys going through a breakup sometimes resemble a deer in the headlights – knowing that they are in danger but having no idea how to get through it.
I believe that men have it in them to get through a broken heart and thrive after but that many of them struggle with how to actually do it. If you are a guy, reading this article right now, good for you for looking for guidance in how to heal and move on from your breakup.
I would encourage you not to push past the pain but to feel it, to decide to stay or go and don’t waver, to take responsibility, to find someone to talk to, and to not get into a rebound relationship.
I know that you feel really horrible right now but know that, with some patience and a little bit of work, not only will the pain go away but you will be in the right place to move forward and find the happiness that you have always longed for!
You can do it!
If you want to know more about what guys going through a breakup should do to handle their pain, then check out this video below:
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