Do you find yourself dealing with someone who constantly pushes your limits? Setting boundaries with a narcissist can be tough but we will help you reclaim your space!
One of the most difficult aspects of being tangled in a narcissistโs web is learning to set firm boundaries with them.
Narcissists typically have poor boundaries themselves; they like to win and maintain power, and they donโt like others setting boundaries on them.
They even feel above the boundaries of the law โ they donโt follow court orders and they find personal boundaries easy to violate.โ ~Karyl McBride, MD How to stop a boundary-busting narcissist
If youโre in a relationship with a toxic narcissist or have ever been in one, you might have a few boundary issues, am I right?
Have you ever thought about the boundaries you had for yourself and your life before you met the narcissist versus the ones you have now, or that you had during the relationship?
Wait. Before you answer that, let me clarify something.
Iโm not talking about the fun or silly โIโll never wear bell bottomsโ kind of boundary here (had it, crossed it, canโt wait to do it again, yโall).
Iโm talking about the serious, intrinsic, deep down in your gut, โgotta stick to it or your tummy will hurtโ kind of boundary.
So, let me ask you โ have your basic personal standards changed (or been altered) as a result of a relationship with a toxic narcissist?
And, while weโre asking questions โ if youโre unfortunate enough to have a narcissistic parental figure or to have been in the relationship longer than you should, do you even really know what your personal boundaries are, nor have they been defined for you?
Narcissists have a way of always pushing your boundaries, sometimes even as a way to amuse themselves when they get bored.
No, Iโm not kidding and that is NOT an exaggeration. Iโve been told by more than one narcissist that they just โlike to mess with people,โ or that they โintentionally start drama to see what people will do.โ
They think itโs funny. But sometimes, their agenda is more calculated than โjust to amuse myself,โ and thatโs when youโve got to be especially cautious.
And thatโs because, when it comes to dealing with a narcissist on the regular, youโve got to recognize that a certain amount of conditioning happens to all of us โ even and maybe especially those of us who are very intelligent.
You might find yourself in a panic if you have to stand up for yourself or to say โnoโ to someone โ and you might even have physical symptoms that include dry mouth, dissociation(where you get kind of confused and foggy) and you might even feel dizzy, nauseous or plain old anxious.
Related: How Narcissists Make You Physically Sick and 5 Ways To Restore Your Health
And, of course, this is exactly what the narcissist wants, because it allows him to remain in control. He knows that if he nags, discredits you and/or the boundary heโs repeatedly (or for the first time) crossed, you will eventually get tired of fighting and youโll just โlet it go,โ as in, accept it, or at least not require him to justify or discuss it.
This allows the toxic cycle to continue and repeat.
An Example of The Narcissistic Boundary Busting Cycle (IRL)
So, what does this cycle look like in real life?
Letโs use this fictitious situation as an example. So, weโve got this couple, Ned and Jane. Ned is a narcissist, and Jane, his semi-willing victim.
They made a deal at the beginning of their relationship that neither would have close friends of the opposite sex. This deal was made at the request of Ned, and Jane happily complied, letting go of several close male friends to secure her place in Nedโs fickle heart.
Years later, Ned suddenly begins several new friendships with ladies at his office, and then within the coupleโs shared social circles. This doesnโt sit well with Jane, who has consistently avoided friendships with the opposite sex since the boundary was set by Ned in the beginning.
Jane raises concerns, and Ned tells her sheโs being paranoid, that sheโs got nothing to worry about, but that maybe he (Ned) does โ because, clearly, Jane doesnโt blindly trust him.
And you KNOW a narcissist needs his victims to blindly trust him โ if they donโt, he will do everything in his power to break them until they at least APPEAR to behave as he wishes.
Instead of attempting to soothe Janeโs fears, Ned plays them up and makes Jane feel like sheโs worthless and this continued manipulation and gaslighting makes her afraid of asking about any of his choices, ever, lest he unleashes a fury that only a narcissist can โ the narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage one-two punch.
So:
1. Ned the narcissist oversteps Janeโs personal boundary.
2. Jane complains, resists, or refuses.
3. He pushes, pleads, prods discredits, and pressures until Jane gives in and accepts the overstep.
4. She redefines her boundary and says something like, โOkay, fine, you can have female friends, but I better never find you hanging out with one alone!โ
5. Hours/weeks/days later, when she catches the narcissist doing (or not doing) what she asked him (to do or not do), she obviously confronts him again, reminding him of the previously crossed and redefined boundary.
6. Rinse and repeat. The cycle goes back through the steps.
Related: How To Know If Youโre Dating a Narcissist
So, how to set relationship boundaries with a narcissist?
Okay, letโs talk about relationship boundaries, shall we?
While everyoneโs a little different, there are certain basic boundaries that most everyone could benefit from setting in their lives, if they havenโt already.
When someone oversteps a relationship boundary in an otherwise healthy relationship, whether itโs spoken or unspoken, it becomes a serious concern for everyone involved.
The person whose boundary has been โoversteppedโ is made to feel uncomfortable (or worse) and the person who did the stepping doesnโt probably feel much better, assuming heโs not a narcissist.
In most cases, the boundaries can be easily defined and for most people, they can be maintained without extreme effort.
However, some people, especially those who have a tendency to lean toward โpeople-pleasing,โ like me, tend to have trouble enforcing boundaries with people who fail to recognize them time and again โ enter the narcissist, because you know that they love people pleasers and empaths.
This, of course, leads to a clouding of our general purpose in life, which can lead to depression, anxiety, and a number of other emotionally debilitating concerns โ all of which can eventually lead to more serious and potentially harmful physical issues.
So what can you do if youโre stuck in a relationship with a boundary-busting narcissist?
I suggest you try the gray rock rule.
Start Here: Set New Boundaries to Enjoy Healthier Relationships
While many relationships have the capacity to become โgood for you,โ those with toxic narcissists are generally ill-fated. Still, the fact is that every relationship needs boundaries if you personally want to stay healthy.
Want a simple way to define what a relationship boundary looks like?
Think about it this way: there are certain things you discuss with your best friend that youโd never discuss with your child or your mother. Right?
See, boundaries help to determine how much you give and receive from a relationship.
If any of your relationships are leaving you irritable and overwhelmed, reexamine your boundaries. Thatโs a good sign that itโs time to redefine them.
The boundaries you set in your relationships are a reflection of your ego and self-esteem.
If you have a low sense of self-worth, your boundaries are going to be unhealthy. Youโll likely be too focused on trying to please others and receive love and approval. Youโll be overextending yourself and demanding too little from the narcissist.
If your ego is over-inflated, your boundaries are aggressively set to maximize your own utility. Itโs your way or the highway. (Thatโs the role usually played by the narcissist.)
For best results, seek a middle ground when setting boundaries.
Using these strategies will help you set boundaries that are empowering for both parties.
Decide on your core values.
- What is your comfort level?
- Are you comfortable discussing your personal finances with others?
- Do you like friends or family just showing up at your front door or would you like a little warning?
- Are you willing to let others borrow your car, money, or a cup of sugar?
- How much honesty do you want to give and receive?
Some of these values will vary depending on the other person. You might let your best friend borrow your car, but no one else. Certain people might be able to spend the night on your couch while others cannot.
Related: 8 Things A Narcissist Fears The Most
1. Determine what you need from the relationship.
Communicate your needs to the other person in a healthy, non-blaming manner. This will require some measure of assertiveness. Itโs not fair to expect anyone to read your mind and predict all of your wants and needs.
2. Determine the other personโs needs.
Think โwin-winโ and approach the other person with a pleasant conversation about their wishes and needs in the relationship.
3. Determine the consequences.
How will you handle it if someone violates your boundaries? Remind others of your boundaries and then take action. If someone shows up unannounced, donโt let him in your home. If sheโs late again, you could leave and go somewhere else.
4. Be consistent.
Itโs natural for others to test you when you change the rules. Itโs important to be consistent, or you wonโt be taken seriously. Follow through and keep your word. One slip into your old patterns and youโll probably have a battle on your hands.
Related: Why Do We Need Boundaries With People We Love?
5. Be prepared to let go.
Itโs likely that some individuals will keep on behaving the same way, regardless of your efforts. If a person is unable or unwilling to appreciate your boundaries and requirements, it might be best to reexamine the relationship.
Are your relationship boundaries working for you? Redefining a relationship can be challenging and stressful. Change isnโt always popular. When people can no longer take advantage of you, youโre sure to experience some resistance. But when you maintain your efforts consistently, you and those around you will all ultimately benefit.
Written By Angela Atkinson
Originally Published On Queenbeeing.com
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