How To Build Resilience In Children Who Have A Low Tolerance For Frustration

 / 

,
build resilience in children have a low tolerance 1

Some children are sensitive and have a low tolerance for frustration. Here are 4 things parents can do to build resilience in children.

Lucas (4) just got a new scooter which he has wanted for a very long time. He hops on it, but as soon as he has trouble balancing, he tosses it to the ground. He pronounces that he hates scooters, that he really never wanted one, and runs inside.

Highly sensitive (HS) children tend to experience more distress and give up more easily when they confront a challenging task or can’t master a new skill right away. The root cause, once again, is the vulnerability and loss of control that gets triggered very quickly in these kids.

Resilience in children

HS children need more support to build resilience—to see that they can muscle through challenges.

4 Tips To Buid Resilience In Children

1. Avoid Solving Your Child’s Problems—Aka, Learn To Get Comfortable With Your Child’s Discomfort.

It’s a natural, human reaction not to want to see your child struggle. Your knee-jerk response may be to rescue or “fix” whatever is causing your child distress, especially when your HS child is acting as if it’s a five-alarm fire. But the fact is that learning a new skill involves feeling uncomfortable to some degree or another until we have mastered it.

Struggling is not bad or harmful to kids, it is part of the learning process. The distress they experience as they work through a challenge is what we call “positive” stress because it leads to growth.

Picture your child working on riding a bicycle. If you never let up on your hold—doing the balancing for her—your child doesn’t experience the teetering that can feel a little scary and uncomfortable, but that’s what leads her to figure out how to eventually maintain her balance and experience the incredible sense of pride when she can cruise around on her own.

When you run to the rescue, you are unintentionally sending the message that you don’t think your child is capable of mastering the challenges she faces, and that only adult can solve her problems. It also teaches her that failure is something to be feared or ashamed of, when in fact it is a critical component of the learning process.

While it is no doubt easier to swoop in like the fixer, acting as a supportive coach instead will build your child’s self-confidence and help her feel competent to work through life’s challenges.

Related: 5 Signs Of Overprotective and Unaffectionate Parents

2. Position Yourself As Your Child’s Problem-Solving Partner.

Let your child know that you have confidence in her ability to learn to solve the problems she encounters; that she can do hard things. You will always help her think through the challenges she faces and help her come up with solutions. But you won’t solve her problems for her, because that is her job.

In this vein, Seema’s parents acknowledge her frustration and let her know that when she is ready to try again, they are happy to help her work on it. They refrain from cajoling and pushing her to keep trying when they see that this is not helping and only getting her more agitated.

Related: Teens And Dangerous Levels Of Cell Phone Use

3. Help Your Child Think Through Creative Ways To Solve The Problem.

Start by asking your child for her ideas about what might be some solutions. Before offering your own input, be sure to ask your child if she would like to hear some of your ideas for solving the problem. Recently, at a preschool where I consult, a child fell apart because it wasn’t his turn to be the snack helper. I suggested other jobs he could do instead.

This only led to his getting more revved-up and responding: “No, no, no–don’t tell me that!” I pivoted and tried: “I have some ideas about how you might solve this problem. Do you want to hear them?” He quickly calmed down and was all ears. This seemingly minor nuance can make a big difference.

Offering unsolicited guidance, especially when a child is in a stressed state, can feel intrusive and intensify your child’s distress. Asking for permission to provide input shows respect for your child’s boundaries and makes it more likely that he will actually absorb the ideas you are sharing.

4. Provide The Support Your Child Needs To Master The Challenge. Don’t Do Something For Her That She Is Able To Do On Her Own.

When Lucas says he is ready to try the scooter again, his dad, Russell asks him what kind of help he’d like. Lucas says he wants Russell to hold onto the handlebars while he just stands on the scooter without it moving. Once Lucas feels comfortable with the scooter stationary, they agree that the next step should be Russell pulling Lucas on the scooter along the driveway, as Russell continues to hold the handlebars.

Then Lucas says he wants to push on his own while dad is still holding on. Taking this incremental approach, with Russell slowly pulling back on his support, Lucas is scootering on his own masterfully by the end of the day.

Related: Teens And Dangerous Levels Of Cell Phone Use

Another recent example: three-year-old Malcolm is dead set on pouring his own milk, but it keeps spilling and Malcolm is getting frustrated. His dad, Roger, knows Malcolm is able and ready to master pouring, but not from a large, bulky milk carton.

So instead of just taking over and pouring the milk himself, Roger acknowledges Malcolm’s frustration and cheerily announces, “We can solve that problem!” Roger gets out a sports bottle, fills it with milk, and hands it to Malcolm who happily fills his own cup.


Written by: Claire Lerner 
Originally appeared on: Lerner Child Development
Republished with permission
build resilience in children have a low tolerance pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Ostrich Parenting Style: 5 Signs Your Emotions Are On Mute

Ostrich Parenting Style: 5 Signs Of Struggling With Feelings

Parenting brings out different sides in all of us. Some parents lead with discipline, others lean into connection and open communication. And then there’s a style that often gets overlooked, not because it’s rare, but because it tends to keep things under the surface. It’s known as the ostrich parenting style.

This approach is named after the idea (though scientifically inaccurate) that ostriches bury their heads in the sand when they sense danger. Ostrich parents are a fitting metaphor for parents who struggle to confront emotional situations, either their own or their children’s.

They choose to avoid or downplay them instead. These are the parents who might say, “It’s just a phase,” or “They’ll grow out of it,” in response to signs of distress or behavioral changes.

Up Next

What’s Your Animal Parenting Style? Take This Quiz To Find Out!

10 Unique Animal Parenting Styles: Which Is Right For You?

Believe it or not, animals in the wild aren’t that different from us when it comes to raising their young ones. From the fierce tiger mom to the gentle elephant dad, there are different animal parenting styles that can look a lot like our own.

So, what kind of parent are you? Let’s take a fun, honest look at 10 animal parenting styles names and help you figure out which one matches your vibe.

Most parents are left wondering if they’re doing this whole parenting thing right. Maybe they’re the kind who set firm rules and expect big results, or maybe they’re soft-hearted ones who just want to keep peace.

So take this parenting style quiz to understand how you parent rather than how to be a better parent!

Up Next

Eggshell Parenting: 6 Signs You Spent Childhood Walking On Thin Ice

6 Clear Signs Of Eggshell Parenting In Your Childhood

Did you grow up feeling like you had to measure every word or watch every little expression on your parent’s face to avoid setting them off? If so, you might have experienced something called eggshell parenting.

One moment, everything was fine; the next, a small mistake or innocent comment could cause an explosion. The atmosphere at home felt unpredictable, and your sense of safety depended on your parent’s mood.

Over time, this kind of environment can make you anxious, constantly second-guess yourself, and do whatever it takes to avoid conflict in your adulthood. If all this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with signs of eggshell parenting.

Up Next

How To Raise Mentally Strong Kids Who Are Ready For The Future

10 Ways To Raise Mentally Strong Kids Who Never Give Up

Are you afraid your kids are not prepared for the world? It’s an important task to raise mentally strong kids, or else they might become adults who give up too easily.

Read on to know more about raising resilient kids and why it’s crucial to make your children face failure!

These days kids grow up with every possible means of luxury and comfort. They are habituated with the world being right on their fingertips.

Everything is ready with one click or tap; things are instant, things are right how they want them to be. And if something is not right, that can be changed with one rant, one temper tantrum, or one bad review. Life seems to be a seamless experience, right?

Only when it’s not. The queue to the grocery store clerk is too long; your kids start

Up Next

How To Raise An Empathic Child?

empathic child

Raising children is hard, no matter what. However, raising an empathic child can be especially challenging. But with the right guidance and understanding, it can be a wonderful experience.

Empath children are gifts to the world and need to be nurtured properly.

As a psychiatrist and empath, I’m often asked by parents for advice on raising their sensitive children. As an empath child myself, I never felt like I fit in. Much of the time, I felt like an alien on earth, waiting to be transported to my real home in the stars.

My ordinarily loving mother would call me “too sensitive” and would say, “You need to get a thicker skin.” So, I grew up believing there was somet

Up Next

Is Your Child Safe Online? ‘Adolescence’ On Netflix Reveals The Dark Truth Of Digital Influence

5 Lessons From Adolescence Netflix To Keep Child Safe Online

Teenagers spend more time online than ever before. While the internet offers endless opportunities, it also harbors dark secrets filled with harmful content that can shape young minds in troubling ways. Netflix’s psychological thriller Adolescence serves as a stark reminder of these dangers. Let’s learn more about digital influence and how it affects children.

Adolescence on Netflix depicts how a seemingly normal 13-year old teenager, Jamie, is accused of the murder of a classmate, his family, therapist and the detective in charge are all left asking: what really happened?

Up Next

Digital Parenting: Guiding Children Through Tech And Social Media

Digital Parenting: 10 Important Tips For Guiding Children

How can digital parenting help balance technology and social media in a child’s life? Let’s learn the best ways to ensure online safety and healthy digital habits!

Here’s how parents can navigate the challenges of technology and social media.

Key points

Parents play a critical role in helping their children use technology responsibly.

Begin teaching a child self-restraint regarding technology use and social media involvement early.

Help a child develop alternative interests that engage their attention and compete with technology’s pull.