Narcissists always have an ulterior motive when it comes to dating and being in relationships, and their wicked tricks don’t just start after getting into a relationship. A narcissist grooms you for love from the very first day they meet you as that is when their machinations start.
A narcissist always has an agenda, he or she is constantly on the lookout for someone to fill the void.
And when they hone in on their target the grooming process begins.
First they’ll take note of everything about you and ask probing questions all while flattering you.
Then they’ll use their chameleon-like qualities to become somebody that you’re immensely attracted to. They will mimic you and even mirror your body language to create powerful feelings of connection and trust.
This is a trap, so watch out!
Check this video out below to know how a narcissist grooms you for love:
I want to explain to you how a narcissist slips into a role of compatibility with you to groom you and how a narcissist will then fact find what he or she needs to. Then what the narcissist will shapeshift into to fully hook you and how and what you need to look for and how you need to conduct yourself whilst dating in order to not be in a narcissistic abusive relationship.
The Compatible Game
Let’s get going with the first point that I want to talk about which is the compatible game.
A narcissist will literally mimic you because the thing is, you’re going to be attracted to somebody who’s like you, so they pretend that they are like you.
They notice the way you act, the way you think, and the way you even converse. And if a narcissist has decided that they want to try to hook you and try you on as supply, they’re going to mirror you.
So, they might even start mimicking your body language the way you sit, the way you lean forward, they’re going to lean forward. Because what that does is it creates subconscious, very, very powerful feelings of connection and trust.
Related: How To Know If You’re Dating a Narcissist
Incessant Questioning
Then that will lead to the next stage, which is incessant questioning. But they’re not going to do it in a way that feels intrusive, it’s going to feel as if the narcissist is really interested in you. This is going to feel really validating.
So this person, he or she, will come across as caring, empathetic, and that they listen. And that’s very true because at the start a narcissist is listening and the reason they’re listening is not that they care about you, they’re listening because they’re fact-finding.
They’re asking questions to work out your style, what you like, what you don’t like, what are your dreams? What are your aspirations? What do you want in your life? And what has hurt you?
That point is really important to understand.
The Shapeshifter Act
Once the narcissist has gathered information, and it can happen actually very quickly, the narcissist will morph into the shape shifter.
This means that this person is going to present … they’re a chameleon. They can present however they need to be what you want, what you would expect, what you would like for somebody that you’re immensely attracted to. So, they can pretend that they love the things that you love, that they’re interested in the same things.
Or if they don’t know about it, they’ll say, “Oh my gosh! That’s something I’ve always been interested in. Would you show me more about that? Would you take me to do that with you?”
And this is so relevant. If they find out what has hurt you, so for example, you’ve been cheated on before, or you were with a partner who was never present, or you were with a partner who was jealous and insecure, they will tell you they are not that person.
That they’ve never been that person, that they would never consider behaving like that. And they may even tell you that they’ve experienced the same with their partners and what a relief to find somebody who’s been through what they’ve been through.
Or if they realize that you’re a really empathetic, caring, fixing type of person, that they may tell you all the things that have happened to them to incite and call forth that caring giving nature that you have that likes to rescue people. They’re very good at this.
Related: 5 Red Flags and Blind Spots In Dating A Narcissist
Narcissist Inoculation
How do you make sure that this doesn’t happen to you?
How do you that is you become ‘narcissist inoculation’? You don’t fall into it the way you have in the past, and the way that I fell into it in the past.
With the narcissists in my life, absolutely they worked out that I was interested in somebody with spiritual and interpersonal development, and they pretended to be those things as well as many other things.
I really want you to understand in the dating game, beware of somebody who is too good to be true. Beware of somebody who’s fact-finding with you, ask questions yourself.
Know that it is so important to take your time to get to know somebody. Instant relationships and instant attraction is fraught with danger.
You would not just go to a car yard and say, “I love that color car. I’m not going to check the engine, the miles. I’m not going to look at the history, I’m not going to get a mechanic to check it I’m just going to take it. That’s it.” You would not do that.
You wouldn’t spend a lot of money on a house and not get it checked out structurally, you wouldn’t do that.
Do we realize now, how expensive it is and how tragic it can be to gamble the most important thing in your life? Which is not your home or your car or even your profession – it’s your soul.
You really need to stand in your power. You really need to be very sure about what your values, what your truths are. You don’t want to start a relationship with somebody because of attraction and because you’re pulled in and then you wake up in a month’s time next to them and think, I actually don’t like your values. I don’t like who you are as a human being and try to change them into that. That’s a recipe for toxic relationships and also being with somebody abusive.
When you’re dating and when you’re meeting somebody, don’t spill all your beans, don’t tell them all about what’s hurt you and what’s happened to you.
A story that I share was a dating experience I had with a narcissist and I was empowered and healed up. So, don’t think that this can’t happen to you at will, because life is saying, “Who are you in this?”
And he was questioning about my previous relationships, and I know the playbook. And I said the truth, “I’ve had disappointing relationships, but it’s been awesome. It’s empowered me to know myself, to know who I am, and to know how to really choose relationships healthily.”
And his head was spinning because he couldn’t find my problem and then pretend to be the solution, because I was already the solution to myself.
I want you to think about that because when we have problems and we’re not the solution to ourselves somebody will present as the solution and then we will want to be with them. That’s the danger.
In a dating situation, your position needs to be, I know my truth and values, I’m going to find out who you are. I’m going to ask you questions because I know what I need and want in my life to have a healthy relationship.
Take your time. If you start a relationship, have boundaries, retain your interests, retain yourself. So, that means you don’t drop everything to go on a date with somebody on Thursday night if you have other plans, or if you don’t want to.
Retain your life, have boundaries, say no. And take your time platonically to get to know somebody, to meet their family, to see if their actions match their words, to see if they have integrity in their life. To get to know what type of human beings they are.
If you understand what I’m saying, if this is making sense to you, I would love you to pause this video and write in the comments below, “If I honor me, no one can dishonor me.” It’s so true.
Related: Are You Dating an Emotional Predator? – Signs of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths
Conclusion
I hope that today has helped you understand how narcissists groom you and how important it is to be powerfully in your own body honoring yourself.
So how do you do that? You do that by healing yourself, working on yourself and being yourself.
I promise you, then you will keep yourself healthy and safe no matter what somebody else is or isn’t doing.
To help you understand the level of narcissist that you may be dealing with, I really want to help you out, and all it requires is for you to take a couple of minutes to do this really straightforward quiz.
Then the results are going to be delivered straight to your inbox, as well as my free seven day series to help you understand powerfully how you can get up and out of relationship abuse no matter what type of narcissist you’re dealing with, or who they are in your life. Doesn’t have to be an intimate relationship, it can be any narcissist.
You can start this quiz by clicking the link that appears at the top right of this video. So, I really hope that this has helped.
Written By Melanie Tonia Evans Originally Appeared In Melanie Tonia Evans
When a narcissist grooms you for love, all he is trying to do is know you inside out and look for your weak spots, so that when the time comes they will be able to use those against you. The more you open up about yourself, your emotions, and vulnerabilities, the more ammunition you are giving them to hurt you. So the next time, a narcissist grooms you for love, remember these pointers and be prepared to not fall into their trap.
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