Does Your Lover Actually Love You?

In spite of your lover telling you the three magical words, have you ever wondered if they truly love you

Sometimes we become attracted to people and date individuals who treat us poorly. I once dated a woman who would shame me for acting needy. She would tell me I was crazy, and it made me feel humiliated and worthless. It sucked.

But, as I pointed out in Attachment Theory, Explains Why Your Relationships Suck, our attachment needs to cause us to be insecure when they are not met. They cause us to behave in crazy ways because we’re trying to find security.

Unfortunately, some individuals don’t value our needs. Sometimes they neglect us. If you’re an anxious person, this can cause you to frantically dive into a toxic relationship, unconsciously drowning yourself in a love that can make you hate yourself later on as you invest more and more in the relationships, only to get a little back in return

Getting our needs met in a relationship is complicated. Due to conflicting emotional blueprints, using vulnerable communication doesn’t always immediately solve a problem.  But there comes a time in every relationship where you will decide if the woman is actually going to help you get your needs met and make you happy, or if you’re going to have to move on

In order to find a woman who can do that, it’s helpful to learn how to judge an individual’s response to your vulnerable communication. By doing so, you can immediately tell how important your well-being is to the person that you are seeing.

Related: 7 Signs Of True Love From A Man

Ask yourself:

  • Does your significant other address your concerns, or do they shame you for bringing them up? Do they dodge the conversation altogether?
  • Does your significant other find ways to make you feel better, or is she staying on the defensive?
  • Is your partner responding to the facts, or actually getting in tune with your emotional well-being?
Love You

The Right Person will:

  • Address your specific concerns. They will not shame you for feeling insecure and they won’t dodge the conversation.
  • Find ways to work with you to make sure you are getting your needs met. They’ll make sure they are getting theirs met as well, rather than being defensive.
  • Let go of the facts and address the underlying issues.

If the person you are seeing is responsive and genuinely concerned about your happiness and security, then you’ve found an awesome partner. But if your significant other makes an effort to dodge important topics, shames you for feeling the way you do, or acts defensively then you should take that cue as a warning sign of where the relationship is heading.

The one trait I look for in a partner is vulnerability. Because when push comes to shove, both of us need to show up to the table with our needs and work with each other in order to get them met.

If you want to transform conflict into material to build a stronger and more connected relationship then read Kyle Benson’s conflict blueprints here


Written by Kyle Benson
Originally appeared in Kyle Benson 
does your lover actually love you pin
do you lover actually love you pin

Published On:

Last updated on:

Kyle Benson

Kyle Benson, a relationship nerd and certified sex therapist, combines Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Gottman Method, and Sex Therapy to help partners establish secure-functioning relationships. He simplifies complex relationship research into practical, actionable guidance, enabling lovers to strengthen their bond. You can join his community of over 30,000 subscribers by signing up for his newsletter here.

Disclaimer: The informational content on The Minds Journal have been created and reviewed by qualified mental health professionals. They are intended solely for educational and self-awareness purposes and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing emotional distress or have concerns about your mental health, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional or healthcare provider.

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In spite of your lover telling you the three magical words, have you ever wondered if they truly love you

Sometimes we become attracted to people and date individuals who treat us poorly. I once dated a woman who would shame me for acting needy. She would tell me I was crazy, and it made me feel humiliated and worthless. It sucked.

But, as I pointed out in Attachment Theory, Explains Why Your Relationships Suck, our attachment needs to cause us to be insecure when they are not met. They cause us to behave in crazy ways because we’re trying to find security.

Unfortunately, some individuals don’t value our needs. Sometimes they neglect us. If you’re an anxious person, this can cause you to frantically dive into a toxic relationship, unconsciously drowning yourself in a love that can make you hate yourself later on as you invest more and more in the relationships, only to get a little back in return

Getting our needs met in a relationship is complicated. Due to conflicting emotional blueprints, using vulnerable communication doesn’t always immediately solve a problem.  But there comes a time in every relationship where you will decide if the woman is actually going to help you get your needs met and make you happy, or if you’re going to have to move on

In order to find a woman who can do that, it’s helpful to learn how to judge an individual’s response to your vulnerable communication. By doing so, you can immediately tell how important your well-being is to the person that you are seeing.

Related: 7 Signs Of True Love From A Man

Ask yourself:

  • Does your significant other address your concerns, or do they shame you for bringing them up? Do they dodge the conversation altogether?
  • Does your significant other find ways to make you feel better, or is she staying on the defensive?
  • Is your partner responding to the facts, or actually getting in tune with your emotional well-being?
Love You

The Right Person will:

  • Address your specific concerns. They will not shame you for feeling insecure and they won’t dodge the conversation.
  • Find ways to work with you to make sure you are getting your needs met. They’ll make sure they are getting theirs met as well, rather than being defensive.
  • Let go of the facts and address the underlying issues.

If the person you are seeing is responsive and genuinely concerned about your happiness and security, then you’ve found an awesome partner. But if your significant other makes an effort to dodge important topics, shames you for feeling the way you do, or acts defensively then you should take that cue as a warning sign of where the relationship is heading.

The one trait I look for in a partner is vulnerability. Because when push comes to shove, both of us need to show up to the table with our needs and work with each other in order to get them met.

If you want to transform conflict into material to build a stronger and more connected relationship then read Kyle Benson’s conflict blueprints here


Written by Kyle Benson
Originally appeared in Kyle Benson 
does your lover actually love you pin
do you lover actually love you pin

Published On:

Last updated on:

Kyle Benson

Kyle Benson, a relationship nerd and certified sex therapist, combines Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Gottman Method, and Sex Therapy to help partners establish secure-functioning relationships. He simplifies complex relationship research into practical, actionable guidance, enabling lovers to strengthen their bond. You can join his community of over 30,000 subscribers by signing up for his newsletter here.

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