Dear Narcissist,
It took me 14 years to realize the manipulative grip you had on me as an empath. What felt like true love actually turned into a nightmare from which it was almost impossible to wake up.
Loving yourself is actually a good thing. Realizing your worth and acting out of a place of selflove is a beautiful thing. Loving yourself has nothing to do with selfishness – which I encountered in this relationship. It’s possible that you did not even realize it yourself. Probably you even thought you are the one person that always does everything for other people. The realilty was in fact that every kind thing you did for somebody was linked to an expectation what that person had to do for you in return. Thats not an act of kindness, thats manipulation!
I tried to understand you. I tried to support you. Giving you credit for having a rough childhood. I over flooded the bad experiences of our relationship with love and finding excuses for it. Telling myself you act this way because your parents never gave you the love you should have received. That this caused you to never even be able to receive true love from someone else. That this caused you not to even see when someone has the best interest for your being. Actually all this is pretty sad but I finally realized that I could have never have changed that. No matter how much love I would have showed you. You were simply not willing (consciously or subconsciously) to receive what I had to offer.
It gets clearer and clearer that what you learned as a kid influenced the rest of your life and I hope one day that you will realize that the relationship with your parents and friends (in childhood) do not represent the rest of the world.
You used manipulation to meet your needs. It didn’t matter what this would mean for your other half inside the relationship. You simply had to act like this to be able to feel at least something. Using guilt and bad temper to get what you want is no option tho. I hope you will understand this some day as well.
Your desperate search for self worth destroyed me.
I as an empath feel. I feel a lot. A lot more than other people maybe. But instead of being happy to be with someone who could actually show you the path of true love, you used, abused and brought me down on my knees. Leaving me there on the ground not knowing anymore who I was and what to feel.
I know exactly what is going on inside of you. I know what lies in your heart. You were simply not able or not willing to let your inside out or at least to let me in. I wanted to be there. I wanted to help you carry your sorrow and light the way for us both. But I never really had the chance.
Sometimes it feels as if I lost precious 14 years, but actually I know I didnt lose them. I learned a lot. A lot about myself. A lot about you. A lot about people in general. I do feel thankful for the experience – although I would be happier if it hadnt been that painful and heartbreaking.
Most of all I learned to appreciate the way I am. I dont need to please someone so that they will like me or spend time with me. Who wants to be with me is more than welcome. Who doesnt put in the effort or who keeps expecting me to change myself to fit their perfect picture has no place in my life anymore. I dont need to accept other peoples bad habbits and crap. I deserve better.
When you had everything you needed you left. Even 2 years after everything I am still picking up the pieces of my broken being and I try to glue them back together. Every day. I would never take a step back. I would never take you back and I will never get into such a situation again. This is what I promised myself.
I do not wish you bad things. If I could make a wish then I hope that you will experience exactly what I did. So at least you could understand what you put me through.
I am thankful for the good things. I honestly am. But unfortunately the bad things overrule the good ones.
But to say it in clearly clear words: Stay away from me! I’m done with it all and I will never start over again with this.
It’s a chapter of my life that finally has come to an end.
There will always be a place in my heart for the positive things inside yours. But this will not change a damn thing,
Lots of love,
Neelah
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