Co-Parenting With a Narcissist: The Rollercoaster Ride You Didn’t Ask For

Co Parenting With a Narcissist The Rollercoaster Ride You Didnt Ask For 2

Co parenting with a narcissist is nothing short of a difficult and traumatizing experience. However, co-parenting with them, or even parallel parenting with a narcissist is doable and manageable. Almost impossible but manageable.

KEY POINTS

  • Co-parenting is not an option for those with narcissistic traits and behaviors.
  • Creating a custody plan with a narcissistic ex-partner is a task best left to legal professionals.
  • A narcissist will do anything to cause problems in their co-parent’s personal life and ruin their relationship with the child.

Co parenting with a narcissist is impossible. At best, one can adopt a method of parallel parenting with strict boundaries and legal protection. A narcissist craves total control of a situation that keeps them calling the shots and setting the standards. What are the signs of co-parenting with a narcissist, and can the situation be salvaged?

Traditionally, co-parenting is described as when any adult assists the parents with the care and support of raising children including grandparents, aunts and uncles, and close friends. The concept of “co-parenting” as it relates to modern divorce and custody situations has only been widely studied since the 1970s.

Modern co-parenting is one that enables both parents to coordinate support, care, and control of the children without residing in the same household or being in a relationship together.

This equates to sharing the child’s schedule, appointments, school issues, daycare and babysitting needs, medical needs, and more while still respecting the other parent as a separate entity.

Related: Covert Narcissist Parent: 8 Horrible Ways A Covert Narcissist Mother Affects Her Children

Boundaries of Co-Parenting

The concept of respect and privacy is why narcissists are unable to fully grasp proper, boundary-specific co-parenting. Shared custody of a child does not suggest that parents need to exchange their own personal schedules and itineraries.

Obviously, work schedules need to be shared and pickup or drop off times coordinated, but only within the constraints of the child’s wellbeing.

Co-parenting, especially in a high-conflict divorce, does not mean being friends, spending holidays and vacations together, or getting permission from the other parent to date. Once a couple breaks up and separates, they are no longer a single unit and are free to date and spend their time how they choose.

Unfortunately, this equals a loss of control for the narcissist, and they react like a hurricane: explosively, violently, and determined to cause permanent damage.

A narcissist cannot just let the child go to the other parent for the weekend or even a few hours with no fuss. Conflict escalation, conflict creation, perceived slights, and any other minor snag in the schedule will be exaggerated and placed as blame on the shoulders of the non-narcissistic parent.

The narcissistic parent will attempt to impede upon the other parent’s time as much as possible through phone calls or texts or insist on attending activities with the other parent. Invasion of privacy doesn’t stop when the children are handed back to the narcissist. The narcissist will then insert themselves into the other parent’s personal life.

co-parenting with a narcissist

Parallel Parenting

Parallel parenting is a good option for a parent to carve out a new life without the narcissistic parent but can also be a struggle to implement. It must be accompanied by strong boundaries and solid legal paperwork.

Narcissists are unable to keep promises and believe their lies as truth; without a legal agreement, nothing can be upheld. Parallel parenting limits the interaction between the parents and each parent adheres to their own decisions, activities, actions, and parenting style.

Related: 18 Signs Of A Narcissistic Co-Parent and How To Deal

Signs of a Narcissistic Co Parent

Co Parenting With a Narcissist info

A narcissist will find any way possible to complicate the other parent’s life, including:

  • Demanding to know all plans and activities that took place (or will take place) during the other parent’s time;
  • Refusing to hand the child(ren) over for the other parent’s time;
  • Texting or calling the parent, the child, (or both!) nonstop during the other parent’s time;
  • Questioning the child(ren) about everything that happened with the other parent, including what they ate, where they went, who they saw, etc. and then starting fights with the other parent;
  • Telling the children to record or take photos of the other parent, the house, activities, etc and sending them to the narcissistic parent to file unfounded claims with child protective services;
  • Involving the child(ren) in mental and psychological games, such as planning elaborate vacations or being the parent with no rules or punishments, and comparing everything to the other parent’s ability to plan or provide;
  • Harassing or cyberbullying the other parent’s friends, family, or new romantic partner;
  • Attempts to isolate the child(ren) from seeing anyone the narcissistic parent doesn’t “approve” of, even without reason. This could also include other family members or the other parent’s friends;
  • Insisting on celebrating holidays or special events together “as a family” despite the other parent not agreeing. Even when told no, the narcissistic parent will either show up (“It’s a public event!”) or guilt the children and other parent;
  • Alternately, will try to control other people who show up to events. (“You can come, but your new wife isn’t allowed.”)
  • Telling the children their other parent “won’t allow them” to be a family or spend time together and turning themselves into the suffering victim;
  • Refusing to abide by the custody schedule or rules, such as moving school districts or failing to give notice about taking the child out of state;
  • Changing their schedules or the children’s schedule without consulting with the other parent and telling them of changes at the last minute, forcing the other parent to accommodate and change their schedule;
  • Harassing and cyberbullying the other parent until they give in to demands;
  • Threatening to bankrupt or ruin the other parent;
  • Attempting to seduce the other parent when a new relationship is started;
  • Manipulating text conversations and presenting out-of-context statements to people in order to ruin the other parent’s reputation, friendships, or relationships;
  • Spreading lies and rumors about the other parent or the other parent’s new romantic partner to make themselves look better, sometimes using this to cause problems at work or in court. Narcissistic exes and co-parents have been known to accuse the other parent of drug and alcohol addiction, domestic abuse, rape, and stalking. These unfounded claims do nothing but complicate an already stressful and messy situation and irreparably damage reputations.

Parallel parenting can eventually give way to co-parenting over time, but when a narcissist is involved it is better to never lower your boundaries. The moment that you do, they will sneak back in with the intention of totally destroying your life and everything you have built since the separation.

Preventing Problems

The best way to prevent problems is to go no contact or limited contact with your ex-partner and put everything in writing. If you must, only communicate via email or text message to have a record of statements and harassment.

Be as specific as possible in your custody documents, including ensuring privacy, limited contact, exact times and locations for pick up and drop off, and an explicit holiday schedule. It is also worth looking into legal orders of protection or restraining orders.

If your ex-narcissist is ever within the physical boundaries of your property or yourself, invest in a home security system with cameras to record interactions.

Make sure everything is included in the custody agreement, such as how many times a day phone calls should be permitted. It may sound silly and unnecessary, but it will help when your ex is calling every hour demanding to know the child’s whereabouts and ruining your precious parenting time.

co parenting with a narcissist

Clearly, a narcissist will never willingly agree to parallel parenting because that would force them to relinquish control over you. Keep in mind that this is your lawyer’s area of expertise so let them fight for you.

Although you will never be able to protect your child from the negative influence of their narcissistic parent, a parallel parenting plan with strong guidelines and boundaries is the best way to shield children from parental fights.

The ultimate way to make the best out of a narcissistic divorce or custody battle is to improve and protect yourself.

Related: Narcissism in Parental Alienation: Clarifying Examples

Finding a good therapist, trusting your lawyer, and surrounding yourself with strong, loving individuals is just one barrier between you and your narcissistic ex. When you improve your life and get physically and mentally stronger, you are creating a better environment for your children.

In turn, your children will want to be with you and in your environment. A happy existence, despite the custody issues or financial stress, is something that your ex can never take away.

Want to know more about co-parenting with a narcissist? Check this video out below!

References:

"Coparenting". Mcconnell, M. C., MCCONNELL, M. C., VO, E. D., & MCHALE, J. P. (2003). Coparenting. In J. J. Ponzetti Jr. (Ed.), International encyclopedia of marriage and family (2nd ed.). Gale. Credo Reference: http://library.capella.edu/login?url=https://search.credoreference.com/…

Higuera, V. (2019). What is parallel parenting? Plus, creating a plan that works. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/parallel-parenting

Written By Kristy Lee Hochenberger
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
CoParenting With a Narcissist pin
co-parenting with a narcissist

— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

,

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Should Parents Set Consequences for Misbehavior or Not?

Should Parents Set Consequences For Misbehavior? Key Points

You want your child to grow up responsible and disciplined, but should you set consequences for misbehavior? Let’s learn the right balance between discipline and understanding.

Should we set consequences for our children when they don’t do what we want?

Key points

Research shows that physical punishment predicts negative outcomes in children.

Authoritative parenting has been found to be the most effective style that yields the happiest children.

Parents need to be able to tolerate their children being upset, disappointed, sad, or even angry with them.

Up Next

Does Gentle Parenting Work?

Does Gentle Parenting Style Work? Important Things To Know

Can setting firm boundaries with kindness raise well-behaved kids, or does it lead to entitlement and defiance? Let’s learn more about gentle parenting style!

A look at the data on gentle parenting.

Key points

The concept of Gentle Parenting is not based on scientific data.

Gentle Parenting does incorporate some very good parenting techniques.

Gentle Parenting may ask too much of parents.

What Is Gentle Parenting Style?

Up Next

Let Kids Be Kids? 6 Identifying Signs of Hurried Child Syndrome

Clear Hurried Child Syndrome Symptoms

Some of us felt the pressure to grow up too fast… meet deadlines, succeed academically, and always be on top of things—before we were even ready. It turns out, this pressure is real for some children today, and it’s called Hurried Child Syndrome. Let’s explore more about this condition.

What Is Hurried Child Syndrome?

Wondering what is Hurried Child Syndrome? It re

Up Next

Hovering Too Hard? 7 Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Often Make

Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Make: Hovering Too Hard?

It’s easy for parents who overparent to fall into the trap of doing too much in the name of love and care. But sometimes, all that hovering and controlling can backfire in surprising ways. Let’s break down the seven common mistakes and how to avoid them!

KEY POINTS

Overprotective parenting can have a negative impact on children’s mental health and relationships.

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, it’s important to take steps to change your behavior.

Encourage your child to try new things, let them make mistakes, take risks, and solve problems on their own.

Up Next

Is Your Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? 9 Ways to Help Her Break Free

Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? Things You Can Do

Have you ever had a very strong gut feeling that your daughter might not be in a healthy relationship? Or that she is in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? Today we are going to talk about what you can do, when you have a daughter in a controlling relationship.

Yeah, it’s a tough pill to swallow. Bossy boyfriends sneakily isolate, manipulate and dim the light in the people they date. And if your daughter is dating someone like this, then it’s understandable how tough it can be to watch that.

However, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel – as her mother, you can help her break free from her controlling boyfriend. This isn’t about swooping in like a superhero; it’s about being smart, supportive, and steady.

First, let’s start with trying to understand who a controlling boyfriend

Up Next

8 Undeniable Signs She’s Destined to Be an A+ Mom

Qualities of a Good Mother That Guarantee A+ Parenting!

Moms are superheroes, plain and simple. But being a great mom isn’t just about keeping the fridge stocked and making sure homework gets done. It’s about making your kids feel loved, valued, and truly understood. Moms are often the first and biggest influence in a child’s life, shaping how they see themselves and the world.

Being a good mom is about way more than just keeping a kid alive (though, yes, that’s non-negotiable). It’s about showing up with love, wisdom, and that unshakable belief in her kid’s potential. Moms help mold who we are and how we see the world.

Up Next

Divorce And Holidays: 5 Co-Parenting Tips To Help Kids Enjoy Christmas

Helpful Divorce And Holidays Coping Tips For Parents

The festive season is often described as the most wonderful time of the year. However, divorce and holidays can be tricky to navigate for some families, it’s not only challenging for kids but also for their parents.

Children deserve to be in happy and healthy homes, a safe space to enjoy and make memories rather than facing bickering fights and drama.

If you’re co parenting on Christmas, create a holiday season that’s joyful and comforting for your children. Below are five practical divorce and holidays coping tips to help your kids enjoy the festivities, even after a separation or divorce.