Can You Ever Affair-Proof Your Relationship

 / 

,

Can love and good sex โ€œaffair-proofโ€ a relationship?

This myth is deeply embedded in our culture and is even held by a fairly large number ofย marriageย counselors. But a lot of people who hold this belief have been deeply disappointed to discover that itโ€™s not necessarily true. While it may seem reasonable to assume that if both partners love each other and have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, there would simply be no reason for either to stray.

Well, that is true: There is no โ€œgood reason.โ€ Affairs, however, are generally not motivated by reason or rational thinking but tend to be matters of the heart, which is the source of passion and desire, and not the mind, which deals with abstraction and logic.

So while it does seem logical to assume that there would be littleย motivationย for partners in a happy relationship to go outside of it to fulfill their most intimate desires, particularly if theyโ€™ve made an agreement to be monogamous, it does happenโ€”and more frequently often than most of us realize.

A study cited in theย Journal of Marital andย Family Therapyย in 2015 reported that 54 percent of female respondents, and 57 percent of males, stated that they had been unfaithful in their relationship. What may also be surprising: The average length of the affairs wasย two years.

Still more surprising is that according to relationship andย sexualityย expert Esther Perel, author ofย Matingย in Captivity, the motivating drive to have an affair is a desire not necessarily for sex, but rather for experiences their relationship is no longer delivering.

What they desire, according to Perel, isย attention, novelty, adventure, vibrancy, aliveness, and passion. They crave the experience of losing themselves in the intensity, excitement, and stimulation of a new relationship, with the hope of reinvigorating the feelings that occur in the stage of infatuation.

Too often, it seems that couples fail to keep that spark alive after they formalize their commitment, and so they run the risk of weakening the glue that keeps their relationship passionate and healthy.

Related: 4 Reasons Why Men Cheat And Signs He is Having An Affair

When daily routines and responsibilities dominate their attention, the risk of a violation of their monogamy agreement increases. When either partner feels that they must submerge aspects of themselves to maintain peace or avoid conflict, the risk factor is similarly heightened.

The fantasy of being free to be fully authentic, and to experience aspects of oneself with another person that oneโ€™s partner disapproves of, is a compelling motivator for anyone who has withheld or concealed aspects of themselves out ofย fearย of judgment, rejection, orย punishment.

The expectation that one person can and should meet all of anotherโ€™s needs, particularly when many of them appear to be at odds with each otherโ€”security and adventure, excitement and peace of mind,ย spiritualityย and sensuality, tenderness, and strengthโ€”can be a setup for disappointment or betrayal.

This is not to justify violating anyoneโ€™s vows, but rather a warning to be mindful of the dangers of holding a partner responsible for fulfilling a range of needs and desires that may be beyond any one personโ€™s capacity.

Want to know more about whether you can affair-proof your relationship? Check this video out below:

The experience ofย lonelinessย is also something that can occur even in goodย relationships. This often comes as a surprise to those who wrongly assume that once they enter into a serious partnership, their lonely days are over.

But the experience of loneliness has more to do with our relationship toย ourselvesย than whether we are in a relationship, or with whom. It is a function of how comfortable we are in our own skin, whether we relate to ourselves with compassion or criticism, and how much we enjoy our own company. When we mistakenly hold our partner responsible for taking away our loneliness and making us happy, he or she will be likely to feel turned off by our efforts to coerce their attention.

There is a significant difference between desire and neediness: Neediness often feels manipulative and is seen as a turnoff. It can also include a sense of entitlement or an expectation that one has theย rightย to be taken care of by oneโ€™s partner.ย When we experience a partnerโ€™s desire, without their expectation of our reciprocity toward us, it feels pleasurable and attractive.

Sometimes the burden of fulfilling family obligations and responsibilities can feel oppressive, and the desire for relief, even briefly, can be compelling. At these times we are particularly vulnerable to the temptation of affairs. When partners take each other for granted andย neglectย their relationship, they put it in jeopardy.

When unresolved conflicts mount up, resentment,ย anger, a lack of respect, and even contempt may form conditions that are an accident waiting to happen. Such animosity can become a perfect rationalization to go outside the marriage for intimate contact.

Infidelityย can be as brief as a one-night stand, or a secret, years-long affair. Some people try to fulfill their need for attention and validation through sex. Some may rationalize their indiscretions with the justification that there was no intimate physical contact, but like emotional affairs, in which literal sex does not occur, even technical infidelity or virtual affairs can do great damage to oneโ€™s primary relationship.

No matter what their cause or nature, every betrayal harms a relationship and requires repair work to restore trust and integrity. Another statistic cited by theย Journal of Marital and Familyย Therapyย study was that, of marriages in which an affair was discovered or admitted,ย 31 percent lasted.

The shock of the crisis can expose the source of the unmet needs that the affair was an attempt to fulfill, and in doing so, open the possibility for this breakdown to become a breakthrough, provided both partners do the work that is required to heal the relationship.

Related: 3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships (That Arenโ€™t Infidelity)

Pain can sometimes be a great motivator. It would, of course, be more efficient and less painful to avoid the torturous stages of wounding and healing that accompany unfaithfulness.

There are many ways to enhance the quality of your relationship without unnecessary suffering. If you donโ€™t know what they are, ask your partner: Itโ€™s likely that he or she will be happy to give you a few ideas. As the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Weโ€™re giving away 3 e-books absolutely free of charge. The Ten Biggest Things Weโ€™ve Learned Since We Got Married, Your Guide to Great Sex, and An End to Arguing.

To receive them just click here:

https://app.robly.com/subscribe?a=2ec85ee30b32f83a0cf2b18b108f3a0d


Written by Linda & Charlie Bloom
Can You Ever Affair-Proof a Relationship
Affair Proof Your Relationship pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

How to Become Pregnant with PCOS: 6 Proven Strategies For A Promising Start

Generally, women who have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) get problems in conceiving a child and starting a family. If you suffer from this condition of PCOS then we recommend you to take up this manual on how to become pregnant with PCOS.ย 

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

According to American Familiesโ€™

Up Next

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

The question โ€˜What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?โ€™ In reality, it asks whether a relationship is dysfunctional or healthy. Well, in todayโ€™s Best Day Blog, I will be taking you through the differences between the two and how to recover from codependency.

(adsby

Up Next

10 Riveting Movies About Broken Marriages: How Love Crumbles Over Time

Marriage is supposed to represent love and commitment, but itโ€™s not always a fairy tale. Below are some of the movies about broken marriages that challenge the โ€œhappily ever afterโ€ stereotype!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Sometimes, things start falling apart โ€” from within or without โ€” and this is frequently caused by different pressures and conflic

Up Next

Friendship Marriage: Japanโ€™s Latest Relationship Trend Explained

Friendship marriage is the latest relationship trend taking the world by storm, and itโ€™s got everyone talking. Forget the traditional notions of romance and commitment; these couples are rewriting the rules of marriage and how!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

This unique approach has not only got people talking, but itโ€™s also challenging many societal norms when it c

Up Next

Should I Start a Family? 10 Reasons That Might Convince You

Two paths are diverging before you at a crossroads. You can either continue with your present life which has the comforts you know so well, or you could choose the other path which goes into the unknown.ย 

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

The decision to start a family is one of those big adventures in life that leaves us breathless with awe; it is filled with twists and

Up Next

8 Questions To Ask Yourself If You Want To Avoid Marrying The Wrong Person

Picture this: youโ€™re standing at the altar, surrounded by beaming friends and family, moments away from saying โ€œI doโ€ to the person who you thought was your soulmate and the love of your life. But deep down, you canโ€™t ignore the nagging feeling that something doesnโ€™t feel right. Could it be possible that youโ€™re marrying the wrong person?

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

63 Conversation Starters For Deep Dialogues With Your Partner

Why conversation starters? Over time conversations with your partner might begin to feel shallow and focused more on the daily grind than topics that actually matter. This is normal. Itโ€™s probably not a dangerous red flag that your relationship is about to end, but it is likely unsatisfying and monotonous.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Itโ€™s quite easy to reignite t