An Unanswered Text

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okayโ€ฆ
I am so not okay!
trying to be though
I think I have hidden high functioning anxiety
its showing greatly on me these past few days when I stopped keeping myself busy
am sending you this to share/ventโ€ฆ I dont expect you to do/say muchโ€ฆ I know you got enough to worry about anywayโ€ฆ or so you make me think!
but somehow you are the closest in my mindโ€ฆ I donโ€™t feel that I want to open up this far to anyone else. I canโ€™t chose to be this vulnerable with another personโ€ฆ.so I need to send it your way without waiting for answersโ€ฆ.
you seeโ€ฆ many times i cant breathe or focus i cant sit still i have joint pains and low blood pressure, unstable appetite and stomach aches as soon as I eat
but I dont show any of it or act on it, I donโ€™t have the luxury to do thatโ€ฆ canโ€™t afford to fall apart or dwell in my pain
specially when the thought of you delights me โ€ฆ yet it also sometimes aches meโ€ฆ. it aches me to have this unfulfilled desire towards a man I donโ€™t see. but knowing you exist delights me
sometimes I want to let goโ€ฆ but I keep going even when my thoughts are not focused on you, my heart caries you around
sometimes i feel a pile of thoughts and words blocking me from thinking and talkingโ€ฆ and sometimes when you ask me to think loud I go blankโ€ฆ. sooo many things I wish I can share โ€ฆ but I donโ€™tโ€ฆ I have grown too scared of being misunderstood by you or to misuse a moment you spare for me! not that healthy I suppose ?
I get a rushing urge to cry
but I stop the tears from fallingโ€ฆ I hold myself up and sometimes down!
am not sure if most of this is about youโ€ฆ I cant make it about youโ€ฆ but I realize your effect on me, intentional or notโ€ฆ.
I chose to notice the little things you do
your effort is never overlooked
when you try to make time
when you notice my voice and ask me whatโ€™s up
when you remember to ask about my day and health
when you make it sound as a duty!
when you intimidate me and when you open up to me
I dont chose to feel like this you know!
I didnโ€™t chose to like you this muchโ€ฆ but I chose to put up with the effort and time requiredโ€ฆ. only sometimes it is way too much for me โ€ฆ among all other things and most of all when I am not sure if it is mutual!
I chose to think you chose me tooโ€ฆ
you know how it is like when one emotion from one person for one minute can make all things worth it! thatโ€™s how I feel about you most of the time
but next to that single minute there is also a life that craves to be livedโ€ฆ a life so passionate and eager to be felt, embraced, witnessed, danced and traveled!
my sadness is not about youโ€ฆ I would have been sad anyway even if you never came into my lifeโ€ฆ oh! the fact of the matter is, you are not in my lifeโ€ฆ and that is sad!
I am overwhelmed because I know this sadness will demolish the second I see you and you smile and hold me tight. It will fade once you show up, it will be replaced with a whole range of colorful emotions other than blue!
my sadness is not about you but somehow my happiness as a woman has for some reason become about youโ€ฆ and that makes me smile! the irony of it all keep me hanging!
apologies for the long text and thank you for baring with me ? I feel better nowโ€ฆ but I donโ€™t know for how long!


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