An Unanswered Text

 February 16, 2017

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okay…
I am so not okay!
trying to be though
I think I have hidden high functioning anxiety
its showing greatly on me these past few days when I stopped keeping myself busy
am sending you this to share/vent… I dont expect you to do/say much… I know you got enough to worry about anyway… or so you make me think!
but somehow you are the closest in my mind… I don’t feel that I want to open up this far to anyone else. I can’t chose to be this vulnerable with another person….so I need to send it your way without waiting for answers….
you see… many times i cant breathe or focus i cant sit still i have joint pains and low blood pressure, unstable appetite and stomach aches as soon as I eat
but I dont show any of it or act on it, I don’t have the luxury to do that… can’t afford to fall apart or dwell in my pain
specially when the thought of you delights me … yet it also sometimes aches me…. it aches me to have this unfulfilled desire towards a man I don’t see. but knowing you exist delights me
sometimes I want to let go… but I keep going even when my thoughts are not focused on you, my heart caries you around
sometimes i feel a pile of thoughts and words blocking me from thinking and talking… and sometimes when you ask me to think loud I go blank…. sooo many things I wish I can share … but I don’t… I have grown too scared of being misunderstood by you or to misuse a moment you spare for me! not that healthy I suppose 🙂
I get a rushing urge to cry
but I stop the tears from falling… I hold myself up and sometimes down!
am not sure if most of this is about you… I cant make it about you… but I realize your effect on me, intentional or not….
I chose to notice the little things you do
your effort is never overlooked
when you try to make time
when you notice my voice and ask me what’s up
when you remember to ask about my day and health
when you make it sound as a duty!
when you intimidate me and when you open up to me
I dont chose to feel like this you know!
I didn’t chose to like you this much… but I chose to put up with the effort and time required…. only sometimes it is way too much for me … among all other things and most of all when I am not sure if it is mutual!
I chose to think you chose me too…
you know how it is like when one emotion from one person for one minute can make all things worth it! that’s how I feel about you most of the time
but next to that single minute there is also a life that craves to be lived… a life so passionate and eager to be felt, embraced, witnessed, danced and traveled!
my sadness is not about you… I would have been sad anyway even if you never came into my life… oh! the fact of the matter is, you are not in my life… and that is sad!
I am overwhelmed because I know this sadness will demolish the second I see you and you smile and hold me tight. It will fade once you show up, it will be replaced with a whole range of colorful emotions other than blue!
my sadness is not about you but somehow my happiness as a woman has for some reason become about you… and that makes me smile! the irony of it all keep me hanging!
apologies for the long text and thank you for baring with me 😗 I feel better now… but I don’t know for how long!

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