What if the perfect relationship isn’t just about love or happiness, but about true relationship synergy? Could two people equal something more together? Let’s learn more!
It’s the relationship you always wanted, but didn’t have the words to describe.
Key points
- True relationship success requires more than just avoiding loneliness. Seek meaning and lasting fulfillment.
- Relationship synergy means two equals growing together to achieve more than they could separately.
- The best partnerships celebrate each person’s uniqueness while cultivating closeness and growth.
- Clear goals make finding the right partner easier. Look for synergistic relationships that give S.P.A.C.E.
Read More Here: What Really Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?
Everyone thinks they know exactly what they want in a relationship. All too often, they’re wrong.
Do You Really Know What Kind of Relationship You Want?
People commonly seek relationships to avoid being alone, for physical affection, companionship, or simply to have someone to talk to. Those are all good reasons, but frankly, they’re not good enough. The problem is that any person can fulfill those desires.
Perhaps you would like a “loving relationship” that makes you “happy.” Sounds reasonable, but it’s also vague enough to be dangerous. Happiness is too easily found. Your morning cup of coffee or a traffic-free commute can make you happy. You deserve more from your relationship, like providing a sense of meaning and long-lasting fulfillment.
Every successful journey requires a clear destination. To get the great relationship you deserve, you need to be clear about what you really want (perhaps for the first time). That can feel intimidating (Where do I even start?!). To make it easier, you need a fresh and empowering mindset that clarifies, simplifies, and highlights what you’ve always felt you wanted but didn’t have the words to describe easily.
You need relationship synergy.
What is Relationship Synergy?
Relationship synergy is a concept I’ve created based on over 20 years of researching, writing, and talking about relationships. It’s an idea that synthesizes existing ideas around blending identities, building bonds, support, fulfillment, and personal growth.
In the most basic sense, relationship synergy is interpersonal alchemy. Alchemy is the ancient practice of transforming basic elements into something more valuable. Typically, alchemy is associated with using a “Philosopher’s Stone” to magically turn lead into gold.
However, alchemy was more than simple monetary greed. Alchemists saw lead as a flawed and immature metal, while gold was perfect. Thus, alchemy also seeks to replace what’s flawed, with something much more desirable.
Synergy is similar to alchemy and focuses on forming mutually advantageous alliances where members do better together than they could alone. Mathematically, 1 + 1 = 3 (or more). Relationship synergy is the idea that the best relationships are between equals who support and grow with each other, allowing both to be more fulfilled together than they could be apart.
Relationship synergy is the recognition that the best couples are the byproducts of two amazing people who generously share in a partnership, surpassing what they would ever have alone.
This is the relationship you’ve always wanted. You evolve and grow. Your partner does, too. You support and build up your partner without sacrificing your own fulfillment. Your partner does the same. What you build together is what you’ve always wanted. When you look at the pictured equation, you realize it all starts with you. First, you have to be the right person. That will help you find the right person, and then you can build your amazing life together.
Too often, people in long-term relationships try to solve their problems through their partner or use a relationship to fix what’s broken or fill in what’s missing. Other times, they pick the wrong partner and later wonder, “What happened to me?” or “Who am I?” By then, it’s likely too late. No one should lose themselves in pursuit of love.
When you seek synergy, it’s different. You consistently feel like a better version of yourself because you maintain your uniqueness while cultivating closeness. You get to grow because you have a partner who challenges, supports you, and accepts you.
“There is no connection more powerful than two people bringing their individualities to the table with no intention of diluting each other’s essence, but instead, celebrating what makes each other unique.” —Billy Chapata
We all carry within ourselves a need to be part of something bigger than ourselves, to transcend limits, and to have a lasting impact and an enduring legacy. Doing that requires that we not go forward alone. To go far, we need to go together. Synergy makes that easier.
5 Key Qualities of Synergistic Relationships
For too long, people have approached dating and relationships with fuzzy goals about what they wanted, then left the rest to fate. The lack of precision makes finding the right partner feel chaotic and nearly impossible.
When you’re clear on what you’re looking for, it’s easier to recognize, find, or create. Here’s what to look for: a synergistic relationship gives you S.P.A.C.E. to grow:
- Shared Secure Connection: You seek a partnership that is a close, mutually trusting collaboration. No more one-sided relationships where partners selfishly prioritize themselves or feel lonely and left behind.
- Patient Focus on the Big Picture: The focus is on the tranquil and unhurried building of a strong foundation by optimizing for the long-term relationship. No more being so enamored with the “early amazing” that you forget about future fulfillment.
- Aspirational Pursuit of Growth and Fulfillment: It’s not just about how the relationship is at the moment but where it’s going. To avoid becoming stagnant and stuck, one must embrace change as a catalyst for personal growth and relationship vitality.
- Collaborative and Supportive Approach: Synergy is a caring and nurturing partnership with partners who authentically support each other’s goals and dreams. Mutual sacrifice and companionship help each of you individually and build a stronger more balanced bond between you.
- Empowered and Capable Mindset: Synergy is a deeper, more thoughtful way of approaching love that celebrates the confidence and capabilities necessary to reach your relationship goals. No more diminishing yourself by thinking too small, defaulting to pessimism, or succumbing to needy desperation.
Read More Here: Why We Click With Someone? The Psychology of Instant Connection
Synergy isn’t just a destination but also a way of being. Each quality should inform all aspects of dating because how you date sets the trajectory for the relationship that will form.
You can’t live well without loving well. The problem is, no one ever really taught us what “loving well” looks like. Relationship synergy makes it clear what you’ve always implicitly known you wanted. With that in place, finding the love of your life just got a whole lot easier.
You can learn more about Dr. Lewandowski’s book, Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them at his website Psychology Of Relationships.
So what do you want in a relationship? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below!
Written by Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D.
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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