I first met psychotherapist Liza Kramer when I was giving a workshop on therapist techniques. Very quickly, I saw signs that said to me, โThis is someone who genuinely helps her clients.โ Soon after, I saw that Liza also would be giving a workshop for therapists. Hers was entitled, โHow to Be the Dumbest Person in the Room.โ That title intrigued me.
This post shares what I learned subsequently from interviewing Liza. Happily, Lizaโs techniques forย therapyย withย teenagersย can be equally effective when a mom or dad uses them asย parentingย techniques.
Related: Teen Proofing Your Child: 11 Tips For Parents
5 Parenting Errors and Tips for More Effective Parenting
Error #1:ย Make it clear to your teenagers that you are the boss. You know whatโs best for them. (โDo what I say! Do it now!โ)
Tip: Be the dumbest one in the room.ย
Instead of telling your teen what to do, ask questions. Good questions generally begin with โHowโ or โWhat.โ โHow did you feel when โฆโ โWhat do you think about โฆ ?โ โWhat might happen if instead of doing X you tried Y?โ โWhat might be another option that would work better for you?โ
Then, in response to the teenagerโs answers, always start by agreeing. โYes โฆ I can see your point. It makes sense that โฆโ or โI agree that โฆโ
If in fact, you disagree, pause before you respond. Pause to give yourself time to think. Then start by responding with something you can agree with in what you heard. โYes, it makes sense to me that you want to โฆ because โฆโ
Then beware. Be sure to add your alternative perspective with โโฆย and at the same timeย โฆโ
If you respond instead withย but, you lose. Why?ย Butย deletes whatever came before.ย Butย replaces what your teenager said with your perspective. Thatโs the opposite of being โthe dumbest person in the room.โ
Error #2:ย Be on the lookout for all the problematic, dumb, and irritating actions teens do and then be sure to point them out. (โLook, you left your clothes all over the floor again!โ)
Tip: Notice which eye you use when you look at your teenager.ย
Are you using the bad eye, the eye that looks for whatโs wrong with what your teen does? Or are you on the lookout with your good eye for what the teen does that is good? โI saw you helping your little brother today with his homework and I was so impressed with how patiently you explained the work to him.โ
This good-eye strategy works because youโll get more of whatever you focus on. Focus on the teensโ mistakes and youโll get more of them. Use your good eye and focus on what you see โ youโll get more of the good.
What if your bad eye still keeps focusing on your teenagerโs problematic behaviors? Initiate problem-solving instead of criticism. Start by asking questions. โWhat kind of system could you set up so your clothes go somewhere other than on the floor?โ
If the teenager draws a blank, at that point you could venture some hypothetical solutions. โI wonder what might be different for you if you built a habit of undressing next to your closet so you could drop clothes into the laundry basket there as you take them off?โ
Or even better, โI found this laundry basket today in the basement. How about if you put it in the far corner of your room, then use it like a basketball net to toss your clothes in instead of dropping them on the floor?โ
Related: 25 Signs of A Controlling Parent And How To Cope With Them
Error #3:ย Put pressure on your teen to do or become this or that.
Tip: Own yourย dreams. Do unto yourself what you are asking your teenager to do or become.
โWhen I was your age, I was very worried about getting into a good college, so I made a priority of studying. It paid off for me. I loved the college I went to, and that degree led to unbelievableย careerย alternatives.โ
Or, โWhen I see you turning in homework assignments late, and sometimes not at all, I get scared. I used to do that. As a result, I didnโt get strong teacher recommendations and then didnโt get into any of the colleges that were my top choices.
Thatโs why I encourage you to develop good homework habits. I want to help you to learn from my mistakes. Iโm still learning from them. I try, for instance, to be sure at work that when I take on an assignment or tell someone I will do something, that I do it and ASAP โฆโ
Error #4.ย Berate your teenager for the foolish, irresponsible, and other problematic things s/he has done. Add negative labeling like โdumbโ or โstupid.โ Top it off withย punishmentโtake away the phone, weekend privileges, etc.
Tip: Mistakes are for learning.
When your teen messes up, skip the criticism,ย anger, and punishment. Stay away especially from any negative labeling, Instead, remind yourself and also your teen, again and again, thatย mistakes are for learning.
โAlas, Julie, that was a big mistake. I guess that mistake means you are human. All humans make mistakes. Whatโs important is to remember thatย mistakes are for learning. What have you learned from that one? What could you do differently in the future?โ
Related: 10 Simple Steps to Stop Toxic Parenting
Error #5:ย You keep telling your teenager โNoโ or โDonโt do that.โ (โDonโt make so much noise. Donโt tease your brother. You canโt do that. You are not allowed to do that. You shouldnโt โฆโ)
Tip: Replace noโs and donโts with requests.ย Or engage in shared problem-solving.
โIโm trying to take a nap. Could you play outside instead of playing the music so loud in your room? Or use your earphones?โ
Or, โI see that you are hurting your brotherโs feelings by teasing him. How come you have been teasing him lately? If you look at it in the best possible light, what has it been meant to accomplish? [Best possible lightย is a technique you can use for all kinds of bad behavior.] Maybe you can find a better way to accomplish what teasing has been meant to do, a way that works better for both of you.โ
How would you have reacted if your parents had used these techniques with you when you were a teenager?
No doubt, minimizing the power plays and maximizing the respectful talking together do make for a positive parent-teen relationship. At the same time, while scripts of โways to talkโ can be helpful, parents also sometimes find that a less skillful dialogue with their teen, while riskier, occasionally still can be effective.
Teens have a way of sniffing out โparenting techniquesโ that donโt feel real or genuine. Occasionally handling a situation in a heartfelt yet messy and all-too-imperfect way can give room for kids to also be ok with sometimes getting it so very wrong. Just be sure afterward toย apologizeย to your teen. Mistakes are for learning.
Maybe you were fortunate enough to have had parents who used these positive ways of nurturing, shaping, and encouraging a teenager toward habits that prepare kids for success in their adult lives. If so, great; these techniques will feel natural and easy for you. If notโnow is an ideal time to learn.
Related: 8 Helpful Strategies for Dealing With Your Teenager
For more skills for keeping all of your family connections warm, loving, and strong, check out myย Power of Twoย book,ย workbook, andย interactive website.
Written By Susan Heitler Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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