5 Common Parenting Errors and How To Be A Better Parent

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I first met psychotherapist Liza Kramer when I was giving a workshop on therapist techniques. Very quickly, I saw signs that said to me, โ€œThis is someone who genuinely helps her clients.โ€ Soon after, I saw that Liza also would be giving a workshop for therapists. Hers was entitled, โ€œHow to Be the Dumbest Person in the Room.โ€ That title intrigued me.

This post shares what I learned subsequently from interviewing Liza. Happily, Lizaโ€™s techniques forย therapyย withย teenagersย can be equally effective when a mom or dad uses them asย parentingย techniques.

Related: Teen Proofing Your Child: 11 Tips For Parents

5 Parenting Errors and Tips for More Effective Parenting

Error #1:ย Make it clear to your teenagers that you are the boss. You know whatโ€™s best for them. (โ€œDo what I say! Do it now!โ€)

Tip: Be the dumbest one in the room.ย 

Instead of telling your teen what to do, ask questions. Good questions generally begin with โ€œHowโ€ or โ€œWhat.โ€ โ€œHow did you feel when โ€ฆโ€ โ€œWhat do you think about โ€ฆ ?โ€ โ€œWhat might happen if instead of doing X you tried Y?โ€ โ€œWhat might be another option that would work better for you?โ€

Then, in response to the teenagerโ€™s answers, always start by agreeing. โ€œYes โ€ฆ I can see your point. It makes sense that โ€ฆโ€ or โ€œI agree that โ€ฆโ€

If in fact, you disagree, pause before you respond. Pause to give yourself time to think. Then start by responding with something you can agree with in what you heard. โ€œYes, it makes sense to me that you want to โ€ฆ because โ€ฆโ€

Then beware. Be sure to add your alternative perspective with โ€œโ€ฆย and at the same timeย โ€ฆโ€

If you respond instead withย but, you lose. Why?ย Butย deletes whatever came before.ย Butย replaces what your teenager said with your perspective. Thatโ€™s the opposite of being โ€œthe dumbest person in the room.โ€

Error #2:ย Be on the lookout for all the problematic, dumb, and irritating actions teens do and then be sure to point them out. (โ€œLook, you left your clothes all over the floor again!โ€)

Tip: Notice which eye you use when you look at your teenager.ย 

Are you using the bad eye, the eye that looks for whatโ€™s wrong with what your teen does? Or are you on the lookout with your good eye for what the teen does that is good? โ€œI saw you helping your little brother today with his homework and I was so impressed with how patiently you explained the work to him.โ€

This good-eye strategy works because youโ€™ll get more of whatever you focus on. Focus on the teensโ€™ mistakes and youโ€™ll get more of them. Use your good eye and focus on what you see โ€” youโ€™ll get more of the good.

What if your bad eye still keeps focusing on your teenagerโ€™s problematic behaviors? Initiate problem-solving instead of criticism. Start by asking questions. โ€œWhat kind of system could you set up so your clothes go somewhere other than on the floor?โ€

If the teenager draws a blank, at that point you could venture some hypothetical solutions. โ€œI wonder what might be different for you if you built a habit of undressing next to your closet so you could drop clothes into the laundry basket there as you take them off?โ€

Or even better, โ€œI found this laundry basket today in the basement. How about if you put it in the far corner of your room, then use it like a basketball net to toss your clothes in instead of dropping them on the floor?โ€

Related: 25 Signs of A Controlling Parent And How To Cope With Them

Error #3:ย Put pressure on your teen to do or become this or that.

Tip: Own yourย dreams. Do unto yourself what you are asking your teenager to do or become.

โ€œWhen I was your age, I was very worried about getting into a good college, so I made a priority of studying. It paid off for me. I loved the college I went to, and that degree led to unbelievableย careerย alternatives.โ€

Or, โ€œWhen I see you turning in homework assignments late, and sometimes not at all, I get scared. I used to do that. As a result, I didnโ€™t get strong teacher recommendations and then didnโ€™t get into any of the colleges that were my top choices.

Thatโ€™s why I encourage you to develop good homework habits. I want to help you to learn from my mistakes. Iโ€™m still learning from them. I try, for instance, to be sure at work that when I take on an assignment or tell someone I will do something, that I do it and ASAP โ€ฆโ€

parenting errors

Error #4.ย Berate your teenager for the foolish, irresponsible, and other problematic things s/he has done. Add negative labeling like โ€œdumbโ€ or โ€œstupid.โ€ Top it off withย punishmentโ€”take away the phone, weekend privileges, etc.

Tip: Mistakes are for learning.

When your teen messes up, skip the criticism,ย anger, and punishment. Stay away especially from any negative labeling, Instead, remind yourself and also your teen, again and again, thatย mistakes are for learning.

โ€œAlas, Julie, that was a big mistake. I guess that mistake means you are human. All humans make mistakes. Whatโ€™s important is to remember thatย mistakes are for learning. What have you learned from that one? What could you do differently in the future?โ€

Related: 10 Simple Steps to Stop Toxic Parenting

Error #5:ย You keep telling your teenager โ€œNoโ€ or โ€œDonโ€™t do that.โ€ (โ€œDonโ€™t make so much noise. Donโ€™t tease your brother. You canโ€™t do that. You are not allowed to do that. You shouldnโ€™t โ€ฆโ€)

Tip: Replace noโ€™s and donโ€™ts with requests.ย Or engage in shared problem-solving.

โ€œIโ€™m trying to take a nap. Could you play outside instead of playing the music so loud in your room? Or use your earphones?โ€

Or, โ€œI see that you are hurting your brotherโ€™s feelings by teasing him. How come you have been teasing him lately? If you look at it in the best possible light, what has it been meant to accomplish? [Best possible lightย is a technique you can use for all kinds of bad behavior.] Maybe you can find a better way to accomplish what teasing has been meant to do, a way that works better for both of you.โ€

How would you have reacted if your parents had used these techniques with you when you were a teenager?

No doubt, minimizing the power plays and maximizing the respectful talking together do make for a positive parent-teen relationship. At the same time, while scripts of โ€œways to talkโ€ can be helpful, parents also sometimes find that a less skillful dialogue with their teen, while riskier, occasionally still can be effective.

Teens have a way of sniffing out โ€œparenting techniquesโ€ that donโ€™t feel real or genuine. Occasionally handling a situation in a heartfelt yet messy and all-too-imperfect way can give room for kids to also be ok with sometimes getting it so very wrong. Just be sure afterward toย apologizeย to your teen. Mistakes are for learning.

Maybe you were fortunate enough to have had parents who used these positive ways of nurturing, shaping, and encouraging a teenager toward habits that prepare kids for success in their adult lives. If so, great; these techniques will feel natural and easy for you. If notโ€”now is an ideal time to learn.

Related: 8 Helpful Strategies for Dealing With Your Teenager

For more skills for keeping all of your family connections warm, loving, and strong, check out myย Power of Twoย book,ย workbook, andย interactive website.


Written By Susan Heitler 
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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