Are you someone who is overly nice to people, sometimes even at the cost of your own feelings? Then this might be one of the signs that you are a people pleaser. If you are always thinking about how others feel, and never think about what YOU feel and what YOU want, then you are definitely a people-pleaser.
Being nice is hard in a world that thrives on cut-throat competition. Some people are born with hearts as gentle as the winter sun. No matter how hard life gets, they are always able to stick to their fundamental values of kindness, gentleness, and love. They cannot help but do everything they can to help people around them. But as the rules of the world go, they are not rewarded with the same treatment.
Because they have the purest hearts, and they want to make everyone happy, their kindness after a point turns them into a people pleaser. Most of the time, they are thrown around, taken for granted, and used as a doormat. The worst part is that their clouded judgment does not allow them to recognize how their people-pleasing ways are hurting them. They continue to give, and everyone continues to take them for granted.
Here Are 9 Signs You’re A People Pleaser
1. You find it hard to say no.
If somebody walked up to you and asked you for your kidney, you would probably hesitate. But if they made a sad-face and emotionally blackmailed you even for two seconds, you would wrench out your organ and hand it to them before their tears have a chance to roll down.
You will go out of your way to do what is asked of you, even if it does not benefit you at all. You find it extremely hard to say no to people, even if it ends up affecting you badly. This is very harmful because people get used to you saying ‘yes’ all the time, and they begin to forget that you have feelings too, and end up exploiting you according to their whims and fancies.
Related: 11 Things People Pleasers End Up Doing Unintentionally
2. You always put others first.
Putting others first is a virtue, and not everybody has the emotional strength to do that. But if you do it all the time, then it is one of the biggest signs of being a people pleaser. You put other people’s feelings and emotions before yours, and continue to neglect yourself. If you continue this philosophy, then people will cut into your line, walk ahead of you, and will not even turn around to say ‘thank you’. Some people might appreciate you, but most will just use you.
Doing good and being selfless for others is an amazing virtue to have, but sadly the world does not work like that anymore. Put yourself first. Love yourself. Give your own self the pampering that you shower upon undeserving others. You will live a much happier life.
3. You say what people want to hear.
You hide your true feelings, lest it should offend anybody, and that’s the last thing you would want. Someone being offended or hurt because of something YOU said? A total nightmare for you. If the most annoying bully in the class comes up to you and asked, “Am I a bad person?”, then you will probably give them the pep-talk about how they are a special beautiful snowflake.
You do not have it in you to put others down, or even tell them what their flaws are. They might treat you like garbage, but you will never do the same to them. All this is well and good, but sometimes, you have got to push yourself into asserting your own opinion. If you don’t, then people will soon forget that you exist, and simply walk all over you. You exist in your own right, so make your presence and your opinions felt.
4. You hate when someone is angry at you.
Someone might be the most horrible person you have ever met, but if they are upset with you or is ignoring you, it hits you hard. You hate it when someone dislikes you; it drives you crazy to think that you are not in their good books. The thing is just because they are angry with you, that doesn’t always mean that you have done something wrong; sometimes it’s not about you, it’s about them.
But the problem with being a people pleaser is that you will still try to console them and makes amends. You will end up compromising on your values, just to pacify others and stop them from being upset with you.
Related: Are You A People-Pleaser? How Trying To Please Others Too Much Will Harm You
5. You apologize all the time.
There are times when you have said ‘sorry’ for somebody else’s illness, or maybe a natural calamity. You continuously apologize for things that are not even your fault. If you do this, then people will find it very easy to make you the scapegoat and will dump all kinds of blame on you. In the professional sphere, your colleagues will constantly put the blame on you, and you will continue to land up in pay-cuts instead of a raise.
Don’t let yourself be treated like a football in this way. It is unhealthy and super insulting. Apologize only when you know that it is your fault, and never let someone else guilt or coax you into doing it. Otherwise, it will just make you an easy target.
6. You are always guilt-tripping.
You feel like everything is your fault. If something goes wrong in somebody’s life, somehow you will think yourself to be the cause of it. Somehow it is your fault because someone else made a bad decision. Again, this makes you very susceptible to the scapegoat mechanism. If you already choose to feel guilty about things that you have not even done, then people around you will use it to your disadvantage.
People will treat you like a doormat, and manipulate you into believing things that are untrue. Being accountable is fine, but stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault even in the slightest.
7. You look for validation from others.
Another one of the most prominent signs of being a people pleaser. No matter how talented, smart, and amazing you are, you always feel better about yourself when you get validation from others. Wanting to be praised and complimented by other people is okay and is a natural thing to expect, but people-pleasers entirely depend on validation. That is wrong.
When you are a people pleaser, your self-love and self-worth depend on what others say about you and think about you. You might have accomplished a lot in life, but unless someone else validates you for that, you never feel genuinely happy and complete.
Related: The People Pleaser and the Narcissist: The Toxic Relationship Trap
8. You agree on things to pacify others but curse yourself later.
Picture this: you are tired after an entire week of over-working yourself to God’s glory. A colleague asks if you want to go out to party with them after work, and you nod aggressively. A few seconds later, the exhaustion hits you, and you realize that you would much rather die than buy yourself a hangover. But canceling on them is unimaginable. Saying ‘no’ is one thing, but retracting and already given word, is simply another level of terrifying for you.
Indulging in this kind of behavior consistently will take a toll on your mental as well as physical health. You will feel drained and burnt out, only because you never put yourself first, and keep on torturing yourself to make others happy and stay in their good books.
9. You bottle up all your anger and hurt.
They could literally set your hair on fire, but you would let them off with a curt smile, and an ‘it’s no problem’. You refuse to blow your mind out in front of other people for the fear that it will lead to a big conflict. Anything is better than conflicts and people being angry with you. However, it is not like you don’t feel it at all.
You often break things and curse your lungs sore, when you are back at home. But it is impossible for you to tell people that they have hurt you. Constantly suppressing your emotions will create an emotional wound so strong, that it will take you years to get over it. When you stop yourself from feeling angry or hurt, you are just making it worse.
Related: 9 Important Reminders For A People Pleaser and How To Finally Say ‘No’
If somebody has offended you, then be strong and say it. What is the worst that could happen? A lost friendship? A toxic relationship? Maybe you are better off without people like that. People who genuinely love you and deserve you will never treat you horribly, and will always build a safe space for you and your feelings.
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