How To Deal With Rejection In a Healthy Manner

 / 

,

Did you know that how you respond to rejection can have a big impact on your future? Learn how to deal with rejection in a healthy way and why these emotions can be so painful.

Rejection triggers feelings of shame that one can heal with new activities.

KEY POINTS

  • Rejection can induce stomach aches, fatigue, physical pain, and deep sadness.
  • Rejection often triggers shame which motivates further social isolation.
  • Seeking a new tribe offers the opportunity for different social connections and healing experiences.

A patient Iโ€™ll call Marta, a forty-two-year-old bookkeeper, recently divorced her husband after a 10-year marriage. Her husband had engaged in an affair with a friend in their close group of coupled friends. After she found out about the affair, she was devastated to learn that several of her friends knew it had been going on for two years. Not one of them told her about the betrayal of trust.

โ€œI feel like such a fool. Everyone knew about the affair but me. We went on vacations together! I canโ€™t look at any of them now. He can have those friends. None of them really cared about my feelings, or they would have told me. Now I feel like I have no one,โ€ she said.

Marta felt rejected and betrayed by her husband and intimate group of friends. Marta had behaved with integrity in her marriage and friendships, yet she blamed herself for trusting those who betrayed her.

Related: Brain Research Showsย Rejectionย and Physical Pain Are Almost Same

Even small rejections, like being the only one not invited to a work lunch, can feel painful. When a friend or family member stops returning our calls, it can feel like a stinging open wound to the heart. Stomach aches, fatigue, physical pain, and deep sadness accompany the loss of our significant relationships. Emotional distress often appears as anger, sadness, and anxiety (Lieberman 2013).

How To Deal With Rejection In a Healthy Manner

When we lose connection with others, as in divorce, we feel shame. We feel shame when rejected or when excluded from a group. It can feel like banishment from our comfortable tribe, leaving us alone to wander in the wilderness.

Most people describe shame as wanting to โ€œfall into a holeโ€ or โ€œdisappear.โ€ That desire to hide appears to stem from survival instincts built into the human brain (Lanius, Terpou and McKinnon 2020). Embarrassment, humiliation, and shame make us feel like we are unacceptable to others. We feel like we do not belong.

Shame activates our pain receptors and makes us feel agitated, angry, and defensive. Shame also amplifies our sensitivity to threats (Pulcu, et al. 2014).

If you feel shame, you are not alone. You are human. Mother Teresa said, โ€œIf we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.โ€ It is important to remember that you belong here, too.

Related: 8 Little Reminders For People Struggling Withย Rejection

A Healthy Response To The Pain Of Shame

During times of significant loss and shame, we retreat into our turtle shells to feel safe. I hear my clients say they stay away from others because they do not want to bring anyone down. It can be hard to face people when we feel bad. Threats to our standing in our social group or family can often feel like threats to our existence.

Shame, and its cousin guilt, are two self-conscious emotions (Michl, et al. 2012). When we feel shame, we become very self-focused. We lose bandwidth for empathy. We assume others will find us unacceptable. Sometimes we get mad and push others away.

The experience of feeling useful, productive, playful, and connected changes our perspective. If we feel rejected by one part of our community, it is healing to experience acceptance by another. While it might feel very difficult to begin to connect with others again, remember that every person is a new universe. Seeking out new, rewarding relationships can help us heal from loss and rejection.

How To Deal With Rejection?: Find A New Tribe

One healthy way to cope with rejection is to focus on an activity that you care about that connects you with others. Ask yourself the following three questions:

  1. What activities do I enjoy that involve others? (Sports, video games, music, book club, dance, volunteering, religious services, political campaigns, social clubs, art classes, educational programs.)
  2. Which of the above do I feel is most important to me right now?
  3. What action can I take today to join that activity?
how to deal with rejection

Marta took some time to journal about the pain of her multiple losses. I asked her what she had learned from this shattering experience. โ€œI thought I had to be what others wanted. I rejected parts of myself to please others. In the end, it got me nothing but pain,โ€ she said.

I asked her โ€œwhat parts did you reject?โ€

โ€œI always did the things my husband wanted to do. I have always loved music. I love singing, but Iโ€™m scared to get in front of people. As a child, I loved the youth choir. Since then, I havenโ€™t done anything,โ€ Marta said.

I recommended she investigate joining a choir. Even though she was scared, she was tired of feeling lonely. โ€œI need to start doing things for myself now. My husband called all the shots. Now, I must be brave enough to do what I want to do on my own,โ€ she said.

Marta auditioned for a local choir and was accepted. That action changed her life. A year later, Marta was singing lead parts in her choir performances. โ€œIโ€™m so excited that I was invited to sing on a professional recording for the choir!โ€ she exclaimed. Marta had found a new tribe where she could freely express her love of music.

When you focus on creating new connecting experiences, you will respond in a healthier way to shame. Acting on something you value moves you in the direction you want to go. You will observe progress. As new connections form, opportunities for happiness grow.

Related: Rejection: Why You Must Not Let Others Behavior Affect Your Self Worth

References
Lanius, Ruth A. et al. The Sense of Self in the Aftermath of Trauma: Lessons from the Default Mode Network in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. European Journal of Psychotraumatology. 2020. 11(1). 1-11. doi.org/10.1080/20008198.2020.1807703.
Pulcu, Erdem, et al. Increased Amygdala Response to Shame in Remitted Major Depressive Disorder. PLoS One. 2014. 9(1). 1-9. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0086900.
Michl, P. et al. Neurobiological Underpinnings of Shame and Guilt: a Pilot fMRI study. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience. 2012. 9(2). 150-157.

The feeling of being rejected is painful but you need to learn how to overcome rejection by making newer and healthier connections in your life. Let us know your thoughts by dropping a comment below!


Written by: Gina Simmons Schneider Ph.D.
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
Republished with permission

Is rejection the same as physical pain?

Small rejections can feel painful like a stinging open wound to the heart. It induces stomach aches, fatigue, physical pain, and deep sadness. It can often triggers shame which motivates further social isolation.

How to handle rejection?

One healthy way to cope with rejection is to focus on an activity that you care about that connects you with others.

Deal Rejection In Healthy Manner pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Things People Learn Too Late In Life: 7 Eye-Opening Life Lessons

Things People Learn Too Late in Life Eye Opening Life Lessons

Life is full of unexpected events and sometimes there are things people learn too late. Though some lessons come with age and experience, as time goes by, we often wish we had known some important truths sooner.

These moments of truth can be very shocking as well as transformative, they help us live authentically, appreciate what truly matters, and make the most of our time. Below are seven crucial life lessons people learn too late and can still change the way they approach life.

7 Things People Learn Too Late In

Up Next

Anger and Emotions: What’s Really Setting Us Off?

Anger and Emotion Whats Really Setting Us Off

Ever wonder whatโ€™s really fueling your anger and emotions? Discover how a mindful approach can help you regain inner peace in your life!

Taking a mindful approach to exploring why we are angry.

Key points

Anger is a secondary emotion.

Anger is a warning sign that lets us know there is an issue to address.

Knowing what we are feeling will help us to address the source of our anger.

Anger can hit us when we least expect it. There are some people who get angry and not know what they are angry about. The

Up Next

Master Your Mind: 8 Subtle Clues Extraverted Intuition Is At Work

Is Extraverted Intuition Guiding You Subtle Clues

If youโ€™ve ever wondered how extraverted intuition works or if you might have it yourself, youโ€™re in the right place. Extraverted intuition (often abbreviated as Ne) is a personality trait that shows up as a knack for spotting connections, exploring ideas, and picking up on possibilities others might overlook.

Itโ€™s like a mental compass, pointing toward new insights, and itโ€™s often subtle but powerful.

Weโ€™re going to look at 8 little-known extraverted intuition signs is at play, helping you spot and harness this amazing skill set in your everyday life.

Let’s first start with what is extraverted intuition.

Related:

Up Next

How I Hacked My Personality: Steps To Be The Better Version Of Myself

How I Hacked My Personality

Can we truly reshape our personalities for lasting change? Discover Dr. Shannon Sauer-Zavala’s article “How I hacked my personality” and learn how small shifts in mindset and behavior can lead to meaningful transformation in your life.

A Personal Perspective: Science-backed strategies for intentional trait change.

Key points

Research suggests that personality changes over time.

We can speed up personality change by taking intentional action.

Changes that are reinforced by the environment are easier to maintain.

Up Next

Women Empowerment: The Rebecca Effect in “Ted Lasso”

Rebecca Effect In Ted Lasso Women Empowerment

Can women turn negative experiences into empowerment? Discover the โ€œRebecca Effectโ€ from Ted Lasso and transform your personal trials into powerful self-acceptance!

Personal Perspective: Empowering women to transform shame and betrayal.

Key points

“Ted Lasso” inspired with imperfect, endearing characters whose trials and transformations mirrored our own.

The โ€œRebecca Effectโ€ is the empowerment and transformation possible when we have been oppressed or shamed.

The “Rebecca Effect” is the process through which women embrace themselves in totality.

Up Next

The Healing Power of Emotional Tears

The Healing Power of Emotional Tears

Ever wondered why we shed emotional tears? Tears serve a healing purpose. Explore how it plays an important role for our well-being.

Emotional tears are an expression of our shared humanity.

Emotional tears, expressed by children, teens, and adults, are a universal experience observed across the globe. Emotional tears play a healing role, leading to our emotional and physical well-being. This post explores the value of emotional tears and the importance of presence and support from family and friends during unexpected

Read More Here: โ€œWhy Am I Always On The Verg

Up Next

10 Important Weekly Reflection Questions You Need To Ask Yourself

If you feel stuck and want to keep track of your goals every week, then weekly reflection questions can really help you. Weekly reflection questions can help you check in with yourself and make sure youโ€™re headed in the right direction. These are the questions you need to ask yourself every week to keep growing and moving forward.

Have you ever had a week with so much going on that you end the week feeling overwhelmed and exhausted? I know I have been there. Sometimes, the week goes by so fast that itโ€™s over before I know it, and there is no time left to process it.

A weekly reflection can help evaluate if what you are doing is working. It fosters self-growth. So, pull out that weekly reflection journal and answer the weekly reflection prompts below.