Setting boundaries with a man is essential for a relationship to thrive successfully, and without them, you can never expect a relationship to be healthy, or survive in the long run. Even though setting boundaries with a man can prove to be intimidating at times, there are a few ways you can do it properly, and effectively.
Today, weโre going to be talking about boundaries.
No, Iโmย notย talking about political boundaries on countries.
Iโm talking about the boundaries you need to set on a date and Iโm going to show you how to do that without scaring him off.
The first dates are pretty vulnerable to women. Youโre dealing with a guy that could at his best be your next Romeo in shining armor and at his worst possibly be your worst college frat-boy, douchebag, a nightmare.
Again, Iโm going to emphasize that most men fall into a very nice bell curve.
On one end, weโve gotย the jerks.
On the other hand, weโve got the wimps.
Right there in the middle is a nice big, hefty population of genuinely decent guys.
There are far more good guys out there than crappy guys. You just donโt hear from them as much because most men were a little intimidated to make a move in our current political climate.
Guys areย genuinelyย confused and scared of doing the wrong thing when it comes to taking initiative with women.
And with so many mixed messages in the media, can you blame them?
Itโs about time people like Harvey Weinstein and all the other creepy guys in the world were held accountable. Iโm all for that.
The unfortunate side effect is that now itโs pretty scary for a guy to even consider asking a woman on a date when he doesnโt know whatโs acceptable and what might actually get them labeled as another pervy dude.
So let me say this.
You can set boundaries on a date with him and avoid scaring him off in the process.
And itโs essential as you do this you have to set those boundaries because youโre going to be setting the playing field for your relationship with him, your entire futureโย all the way to marriage and beyond.
So before we get to the rest of how to set boundaries on a date, here are three quick tips about how to deal with men when setting boundaries.
Here Are 3 Ways You Can Deal With A Man When Setting Boundaries
1. Donโt say yes when you really mean no.
Not only is this incredibly confusing to a guy, itโs also leading him on.
Now I understand that it can be hard to be so plainspoken with a guy because you want to be nice. You want to be liked and youย donโtย want to be a bitch.
But if thereโs something you probably know by now itโs guysย donโtย get hints. If you pull punches and you donโt speak very clearly and plainly with him, he wonโt get it. Heโll misunderstand and heโll keep doing whatever it is you donโt want him to do.
Related: 5 Healthy Relationship Boundaries That Keep the Romance Alive
2. Speak your truth.
Many women are afraid to tell a guy what sheโs really thinking and feeling on the inside.
When you donโt tell the truth because youโre afraidย heโs going to reject youย or youโre afraid of any reaction he might have, youโre disrespecting yourself and youโre underestimating him.
And tip number three, which Iโm going to be doing at the risk of sounding like cheerleading here butโฆ
3. Donโt let a man run your life.
It can be easy to go along for the ride where a guyโs assertiveness and his will, his strong willpower. Sometimes itโs just plain easier to go along to get along.
Now this happens on the first date or usually happens when he picks everything out, right? Like the wine, where you go to eat, heโll pick the appetizer.
Just make sure you get your vote on these things and donโt start out with a bad pattern.
Thereโs something I want you toย alwaysย remember.
The CEO of your life is you.
Donโtย everย forget that.
There are a few places you want to set some boundaries to make sure that you donโt lose your way in your relationship.
Here Are 5 Ways Of Setting Boundaries With A Man Without Scaring Him Off
1. Whereโs his end zone?
The end zone in football is where each team is trying to take the football to score, right? And eventually, they want to win the game.
Well, you have to know up front that if heโsย a guy who is just looking for a good time.
Isย thatย his end zone?
Or is he looking for a relationship?
On the first date, you want to listen to the hints he drops in conversation.
If he starts talking sexually with you on the first date, well heโs probably testing you to see how far he can get on this date.
In this case, his end zone would be the bedroom at first.
Hereโs another secret about guys that you wonโt find anywhere else.
Men are always looking for a good time firstย and thenย a relationship if you turn out to be cool, fun and compatible with him.
Now, that doesnโt mean thatโs how he wants the date to actually go.
Heโs just testing you, remember?
You may think that all guys out there areย commitment-phobic.ย The way they act upfront and then they kind ofย grow distant later on, youโve had that happen maybe?
Well, you ask me, โCarlos, heโs just scared to commit, right?โ
Wrong.
Sorry, Iโm going to bust our game wide open for the ladies today.
Itโs the one trick that guys use that works every single time. Women have been fed this lie for long enough.
Men actuallyย likeย that women think that they are commitment-phobic because it gives him the excuse he needs to leave when the time is right when he realizes this might not be for him.
Remember this, guys are wired to commit to the woman that willย unlock his heart by simplyย โ all right,ย wait a minute,ย Iโm going to get toย more about thisย in a bit.
For now, just know that guysย doย commit but we do it differently than women do.
Related: 10 Great Things That Happen When You Set Boundaries
2. Keep it real.
One of the big mistakes that people make when theyโre dating is they try to make the first few dates a romantic fantasy come true.
They make dates that just simply donโt resemble real life at all for those first few months. Itโs like a romantic playground.
Now, guys are mostly guilty of this because theyโre the ones who are planning.
But you should be the one who is watching out and setting this particular boundary because the woman gets attached to this first date fantasy land because it feels wonderfully romantic.
I mean who wouldnโt?
Romantic dinners, thrilling events, going out to shows, the first date is often a little bitย too much. So just go to coffee instead of dinner.
Itโs not realistic for the man to keep up thatย level of expectation.
And what it does is it avoids the fact that you need to bond on a real-world level first.
You have to know if this guy is for real.
Crazy all-nighters where he ends up sleeping over or flying off to Mexico for the weekend with you on a whim, is just not sustainable by either of you.
Noveltyย also amplifies the attraction hormones in your system to a level where youโre going to be tricking yourselves about the level of desire and commitment you actually do have for each other.
You have to see, know and experience how you interact in the real world to know if aย relationship with him is going to work.
Want to know more about setting boundaries with a man? This video will help you in setting boundaries with a man, the right way:
3. Know your expectations and requirements for personal time and space.
Personal time and space can be tricky. Iโm really surprised more couples donโt actually talk about space more often.
After all, if you donโt know what your expectations are here, you could find yourself in a lot of awkward arguments.
How much space you need and how much โme timeโ do you need?
Youโve got to know what each one of you thinks is the ideal amount of time to spend together as well as the time you need apart.
Back when you were in high school, yeah, sure you can ditch school and make out on a couch all day long. OK, maybe I might have done that one once or twice too. But as grownups, we know what our limits are.
You know when you need that โme timeโ to get the grocery shopping done and hang out with your kids or head to the gym and youโve got a real life to manage?
Your guy might not have the same obligations or needs that you do or vice versa.
Be upfront about your needs so that you both know what time you have together and what time you need apart. Misunderstandings are usually caused by one person not wanting to rock the boat so they stay silent.
They donโt want to chance messing up this new romance.
Hereโs a really important fact for you.
Peopleย donโtย usually walk away from a relationship because the other person has healthy boundaries. They walk away because the communication of theย boundaries wasnโt done wellย and now thereโs conflict, misunderstandings, and confusion. And most of the time, itโs because those relationship boundaries were setย too late.
Related: Setting Boundaries That are Clear and Well-Expressed
4. Communicate.
Communication. Did that word just trigger a whole bunch of stuff for you?
Communicationย is the trickiest part of dating with men and for guys, that are dating women.
Hands down, itโs the most complicated part.
And itโs not because guys are particularly complicated in how they talk about things, we just communicate it in a much different way than women do which feels very confusing because it seems to be coming from a completely different way of thinking.
I used to feel the same way about women until I wrote a few good books on the topic of communication and how women think versus how men thinkย and so on.
And you know what?
I rarely find myself confused about it now. But this doesnโt mean I havenโt had my moments but for the most part, I get how men and women go wrong when theyโre communicating.
Thatโs why I got into this whole dating advice gig.
Remember that boundaries areย notย meant to be empty threats or harsh limits that you set that make you feel uncomfortable.
Boundaries are clear, loving, firm words we say to assert our needs. Your boundaries tell him how you want to be treated in life and in love.
On theย first date, be willing to establish any boundaries around conversation topics, like sex, previous relationships, or anything thatโs too intimate too soon. Thatโs how you set that particular boundary right off the bat.
5. Getting physical.
Theย physical partย of your relationship is probably the toughest part to set a boundary around but it has to be done as soon as you can.
The first date isย notย too soon to talk about it, and this is the place you have to. Especially when physical intimacy comes up on the first date, it needs to be addressed right away.
The simple fact is that you might actually feel that this guy is incredible on that first date. Maybe itโs going awesome and you donโt want to lose this chance with him.
You might be really tempted to jump in there with him on the first date because the chemistry isย so fantastic.
But the truth is youย canโtย do it. Hereโs why:
1. If you need to sleep with him to lock him down, you never really had the connection you thought you did.
2. If you sleep with him too soon, youโll ruin the challenge for him. He will lose interest if he doesnโt have to work for your affection.
3. It breaks the emotional connection with the guy. If he gets to home base too soon, he wonโt feel the right level of comfort with you, and finally
4. If you sleep with a guy too soon, you wonโt seem valuable to him. You are basically โgiving him the milk for freeโ as the old saying goes.
Remember my particularly astute quote about this? That is:
โEasy never really turns into love anywhere else but in the movies.โ
I could probably go on for hours with more reasons why you should not sleep with him on the first date.
I realize itโs tough when everything you see in the movies, everything you see and hear in music and everything you read about romance books tell you that you should just throw caution to the wind and be as sexual as you want but itโsย all a lie.
Now at the risk of being politically incorrect, let me be really clear about this.
You will find that the man who you make wait a little bit will be more emotionally involved and connected with you than if you jump right into bed with him.
You can take that right from Carlos. I know itโs considered sexist to say it but itโs the truth and most women know it deep down, deep inside them.
If you want aย long-term relationshipย with a guy, itโsย notย a good idea to pull the bait and switch where you get him sexually connected first and then try to rope him into something else in the long term.
Related: Do You Have Clear Boundaries? 3 Tips For Creating Some
Women who manage to find quality men and keep themย donโtย use that strategy.
In fact, these women haveย alwaysย been successful with men throughout history.
What do they do differently?
These women understand that they can use somethingย far more powerfulย to make a guy fall for them and lock him down into a commitment.
In fact, heโll be the one wanting the commitment from YOU.
You donโt have to useย anyย shiny prizes to lure him.
Instead, you use the power ofย promiseย with him.
Itโs calledย The Cupid Effect.
If you want him to stop running away from you and commit to you forever, youโve got to knowย how to use The Cupid Effectย to make him love you in one easy step.
Written by Carlos Cavallo Originally appeared in Attracttheone.com
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