What It Means When You Keep Breaking Up And Getting Back Together

 / 

Have you ever been in a relationship in which you had one foot in and one foot out, never completely committing and never actually leaving? Or maybe you’re trying to leave but somehow you don’t quite get there. What it means when you keep breaking up and getting back together?

This was an issue a woman named Helena brought to my attention, saying, “I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship for six years. We have been breaking up, ghosting, and then reconnecting on and off for the last two years since he moved out. I keep trying to end it in a powerful way, but then we end up reconnecting again. What does a situation like this indicate, and how would you resolve this continuing dance?”

This is a tough one, and there are some major reasons it keeps happening. Here’s what you should know.

1)  You’re holding on to hope.

One of the things that keeps partners going back over and over again is the hope that the other person will change—or that you can get him or her to change. This is especially true if each of you have professed to have changed. However, unless both of you are receiving help in dealing with your individual issues, change isn’t likely.

It may be hard to be realistic about change, but it’s important to accept that you can’t make another person change—they change only when and if they want to, and if they receive the help they need to heal their underlying issues. Without real change occurring through each of you doing your inner work, the only reason to go back is if you can accept this person exactly as he or she is, without hope of change.

2)  You’re stuck in a pull-resist system.

One of the reasons for the yo-yo relationship concerns the relationship system. If you are in a relationship in which one of you is needy and controlling and pulls on the other for attention, approval, or sex, and the other is resistant to being controlled by the needy partner, you might feel that you just have to get away. But once apart, the same system might not be operating, so you start to feel good around each other again.

But once again, unless you have each been healing your end of this relationship system, you will find yourselves going right back into the same pull-resist system, with the same outcome.

3)  You fear being lonely and not meeting someone else.

Often, the stress of a dysfunctional relationship leads to wanting to be alone, but once alone, the fear of being alone and lonely takes over. You might start to date, only to discover that it’s not easy to find someone you are attracted to, or you keep meeting the same kind of person over and over. You tell yourself that you will never meet someone and you will end up alone your whole life, and that it’s better to be with your estranged partner than to be alone.

Again, without doing your inner work to heal your participation in the dysfunctional relationship system, you will keep recreating the same relationship over and over. The most loving thing is to focus on doing your inner work, regardless of whether or not you go back to your partner.

4)  You’re not investing in the learning you need to do.

Perhaps there is a genuine connection between the two of you, but neither of you are doing the inner work to heal underlying problems. When this is the case, you might feel drawn to the relationship over and over, knowing at some level that this relationship could work if some healing occurred.

When this is the case, it may be worth it to give the relationship a real shot. Unless there is physical or emotional abuse, there may be no real value in leaving without attempting to heal yourselves and the relationship first. In fact, you may be walking away from a great opportunity. You take yourselves with you when you leave, and you are likely to create the same relationship problems again in another relationship unless you work to resolve them within the current relationship.

If just one of you is open to doing your inner work, this might be enough to shift the system to a more loving one, or, if you do your inner work and then realize that you need to leave, you might be better equipped to create a more loving relationship the next time.


Written by Margaret Paul, PhD
For information or to schedule a phone or Skype session: 310-459-1700 • 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND) http://www.innerbonding.com

You may also like

Why We’re Attracted To People Who Are Wrong For Us

7 Signs You’re With The Wrong Partner

To The Woman Who Gave Too Much Of Herself To The Wrong Man

Reasons Why You Always Get Stuck With The Wrong Guy

Emotionally Abusive People And Their 20 Identifying Traits

The Pull And Push In A Relationship With A Narcissist

What It Means When You Keep Breaking Up And Getting Back Together

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Your ADHD/Autistic Partner Shows Love

Neurodivergent Love Languages

All minds are not wired the same way to express and show love. For those on the autism spectrum or with ADHD, affection might look a bit different. Below are five neurodivergent love languages to help you understand love from a different perspective!

We know about Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, but these languages aren’t designed for neurodiverse individuals – who express care and affection differently. Sometimes their loved ones don’t recognize how they share their feelings, or why they act like they do.

So, let’s take a look at ADHD and autistic love languages, which might take on different forms to show how they like to receive affection.

Up Next

Complacency: The Silent Killer Of Relationships

How Complacency Can Ruin A Perfect Relationship

Has your relationship slipped into complacency? When comfort leads to blurred boundaries, it’s time to reignite the spark. Learn how to refresh your connection together!

Can being too comfortable in a relationship lead to the end?

Key points

Complacency can happen over time in relationships.

Becoming too comfortable leads to blurred boundaries.

There are ways to refresh a relationship if complacency sets in.

Up Next

10 Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy: Why She’s the Best Girlfriend You’ll Ever Have

Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy

Dating a tomboy brings an exciting mix of fun, friendship, and romance. When you’re dating a tomboy, you’re in for a relationship that’s refreshingly different. She’s someone who’s down-to-earth, ready for adventure, and brings out the best in everyone around her.

From shared hobbies to spontaneous plans, being with her is all about enjoying life without pretenses or drama.

If you’re curious about what makes her such an amazing partner, here are 10 surprising perks that prove dating a tomboy might just be the best decision you’ll ever make!

Related: 10 Things You Need To Know If Yo

Up Next

How Playfulness Can Transform Your Love Life

How Playfulness In A Relationship Can Transform Your Love Life

Is your relationship feeling stale or distant? Wondering how to reignite the spark? Discover how bringing playfulness into your love life can create deeper connections and renewed passion.

Looking to revive a dying flame? Try the power of play.

Key points

The four types of relationship playfulness are other-directed, intellectual, whimsical, and lightheartedness.

Other-directed and intellectual are the most highly predictive of relationship satisfaction.

All types of playfulness are related to at least some facet of relationship well-being.

Up Next

7 Types Of Intimacy To Deepen Your Relationship

Ever wondered how to deepen your bond with your partner? Learning these 7 different types of intimacy in a relationship that can bring you closer in meaningful ways. Try it out now!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Intimacy is important, but how do we cultivate it?

Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

For some people love doesn’t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So here’s pebbling love language – inspired by penguins. Let’s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

What I

Up Next

Can TikTok’s ‘Meeting Someone Twice Theory’ Really Lead To Love?

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory – is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

So let’s learn how the universe