Do you ever feel like the harder you try to control everything, the more life pushes back? This article is going to explore the benefits of surrender, and how to practice surrendering.
Surrendering is not a sign of defeat, but as a surprisingly strong and freeing way to cope, heal, and move forward.
By Charlie Huntington, M.A., Ph.D. candidate, and Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
Surrendering is the act of giving up something. For our purposes, surrender means giving up on efforts to control your life or ensure specific outcomes in your life. But why surrender?
Trying too hard to control our lives is stressful and ultimately fruitless (Cole & Pargament, 1999). Knowing when to surrender and being able to do so effectively is a helpful coping skill (Cole & Pargament, 1999).
For many people, particularly those with spiritual leanings, surrendering control is synonymous with seeking to follow the will of a higher power instead of your own will (Wong-McDonald & Gorsuch, 2000).
This might look like recognizing that the will of the universe and your own will do not align and that it will be easier to accept how things are unfolding than to continue trying to change them.
Paradoxically, many people find that surrendering in this way allows them to feel more in control of their lives (Cole & Pargament, 1999). This might be because surrender is still a choice we make.
The classic example of surrendering comes from the world of addiction recovery. Many, many people have achieved better psychological health and abstinence from addictive behaviors through participation in twelve-step programs (Kelly, 2017), and surrender is at the heart of those twelve steps.
Related: Thich Nhat Hanh on The Art Of Letting Go
For those of you unfamiliar with twelve-step programs, they are a model for addiction recovery.
The Benefits of Surrender
The first step is for the addicted person to acknowledge that their life has become so out of control that no amount of rational thinking on their part will solve their problems (Tangenberg, 2005).
Rather than continue struggling in vain to control their behaviors, addicts are encouraged to give up trying—to surrender to the fact that many events are out of their control and that they cannot manage things alone.
Many addicts find life more manageable once they not only surrender control but also ask a benevolent power greater than themselves to take care of the situation (Pearce et al., 2008).
In turning to an outside source for help, whether that be the support of peers, the will of a higher power, or the guidance of a therapist, individuals take an active role in getting better, no longer going it alone.
In this environment, they practice actively coping with life stress by surrendering, with positive impacts on their lives (Morgenstern et al., 1997).
Aside from addiction rehab, psychological research has documented a wealth of benefits that come from accepting things as they are and giving up trying to control that which cannot be controlled.
In fact, accepting things as they are is a central component of many effective types of psychotherapy (Block-Lerner et al., 2009).
To take one example, we can think of surrendering as a form of “radical acceptance,” a therapeutic skill that has been shown to help people manage post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder (Gorg et al., 2017; Robins et al., 2004).
Accepting the present moment exactly as it is can make us less worried and stressed out and more effective in responding to what life throws at us (Knabb et al., 2017), regardless of whether we have significant mental health challenges.
Surrendering in Everyday Life
So what might surrendering look like for somebody who isn’t struggling with addiction or a mental health issue? Suppose you have a friend whose company you truly, deeply enjoy.
However, they can be forgetful, sometimes showing up late or canceling plans altogether. Knowing the limits of how much you can change somebody else, surrendering is likely to be a helpful tool here.
You might decide that you’d rather not rock the boat by asking your friend to be more punctual or consistent; in that case, you’ll need to surrender to the fact of inevitable, occasional frustration with this person.
If you do decide to ask them to change, it may be helpful to surrender attachment to how they respond.
How to Practice Surrendering
Here are two ways to practice surrender in your daily life (Colombiere, 1980):
1. Prepare to surrender certain things today.
Think about your daily routine and the things in it that you can’t control. For example, before you even get on the road, let go of your anger at the driver in front of you. Accept that you will be anxious during that meeting with your supervisor.
Before your brain can start trying to control these feelings, surrender to the fact that you’ll likely have them. That might make it easier to let them go when they arise.
2. Practice surrendering to the larger forces of life.
You cannot control the outcome of the next election, whether your spouse will develop a severe illness, or the long-term effects of climate change.
When thoughts of these things arise, it can be easy to spin out with worry as you wonder how you might control (or how little you can control) future events. Try your best to surrender your control of these types of topics.
Letting go of things takes courage. Just as there is strength in vulnerability, it takes guts to surrender.
Knowing that surrendering can be a helpful tool but that doing so is effortful and may not feel natural, how would you like to change your life? Where in your life would it be braver to say, “I let go of my control of this,” than to keep tightening your grip?
Related: Why Letting Go Is Not Giving Up
As you ponder these questions, be open and easy with yourself. Surrender is counterintuitive; it’s hard to admit that we can’t think or do our way to a better solution than surrendering provides.
So when you find yourself stuck on something, gently consider whether just letting it go is a good first step.
A version of this post also appears on The Berkeley Well-Being Institute website.
Written By Tchiki Davis, Ph.D.
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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