Women stuck in toxic relationships tell self harming lies to themselves, and they tend to live in a world of denial, without realizing how malevolent denial can be. But why do women tell self harming lies to themselves? And what are the self harming lies women tell themselves?ย
People like to say that love is blind, and no saying could be more accurate when it comes to women in emotionally abusive, toxic relationships and marriages with men who have narcissistic personality traits.
Many victims of narcissistic abuse live in a state of perpetual denial, in which they are able to hyper-focus on memories of times when their abuser behaved in ways meant to present themselves as considerate, conscientious, and caring.
Unfortunately, the lies these women tell themselves in an effort to maintain the illusion that they are safe in their own homes and in their closest relationships are a dangerous form of self-harming behavior.
Early manipulative behaviors like โlove bombingโ and vivid, typically passionate memories emblazoned on their minds (along with those addictive love chemicals), become the idealistic dream of what was meant to be they just canโt seem to let go of.
Here are four self harming lies women in emotionally abusive, toxic relationships with men who have narcissistic personality traits tell themselves, so you can open your eyes to the truth.
Related:ย The Empath, The Narcissist, And The Brutal Reality Of Their Toxic Relationship
4 Self Harming Lies Women Tell Themselves When Stuck In Toxic Relationships
1. โIf I can show him how much I love him, heโll change.โ
Deep down, at your core, you believe all inner deficiencies can be healed through your unconditional, dauntless love. If you are hanging on to the ideal of saving the relationship and helping your partner heal with the power of love, think again.
What youโre really doing is providing an endless fountain of narcissistic supply, continual attention to feed this toxic condition.
They keep you busy, involved, and preoccupied with their games, mind tricks, and manipulation. They consume your mind space. Like a tick, theyโre under your skin, emotionally bleeding you of health, happiness,ย and well-being.
Your dauntless love is merely providing life support for this malignant condition and itโs eating away at all of your healthy parts until eventually all of you will be devoured, and there will no longer be anything left.
2. โTheyโre just going through a hard time. Things will get better soon.โ
People who go through tough times may have short-term changes in behavior, but when behavior follows a consistent pattern of kindness followed by cruelty over time, you know this is not them merely struggling with a tough issue, but someone who has a persistent, long-term pattern of abnormal โ and abusive โ behaviors and personality traits.
3. โTheyโre not being themselves. They were never like this before.โ
Whatโs really going on is that you canโt let go of the image of the person you thought they were, but they are who theyโve always been.
Review the evidence.
- Is he interested in how you feel?
- Does he respond with concern when you point out how hurt you feel after an argument?
- Does he validate your opinions when you describe your frustration with the relationship?
Or, does he minimize your feelings and tell you itโs in your head?
Related:ย How Can I Love Someone Who Abuses Me? Psychology of Toxic Relationships
4. โI canโt give up on him.โ
Understand the difference between giving up and knowing when youโve had enough. The two are very different. Know when youโve had enough and find the strength to set boundaries.
This is difficult if you are a person who sticks with things, through good times and bad, through sickness and health. You believe these are truths, that there are no true reasons to give up or give in because to do so admits personal defeat. Failure.
This thinking will only keep you stuck.
Quite likely youโve been successful at most things youโve put your mind to. You likely have set a goal and achieved it through hard work, determination,ย and perseverance.
Youโve lived by the old adage, Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, youโll land among the stars. Saving your relationship is just one more goal to achieve, and you will achieve it. Even if it kills you.
Donโt let it. You canโt save this relationship. Youโre not setting your sights on the moon; youโre setting them on another solar system.
The narcissistic abuser cannot be cured by love, compassion, or unwavering commitment.
Youโve likely come to realize the narcissistic abuser isnโt interested in trying to heal themselves or fix the relationship. Maybe youโve even let it seep into your consciousness, but your denial is trying to exorcize this awareness of truth back out.
Are you able to see that this person is not interested in a collaborative solution and doesnโt truly believe that both parties are equal and can each have their needs met?
Maybe you donโt feel like youโre worthy of equality. Maybe, after years of being torn down and propped back up momentarily, only to be torn down again, you actually believe you are inferior and canโt expect to have an outcome that includes both parties getting their needs met.
You undoubtedly know what you need to do if youโve read up to this point.
I hope by now you are convinced that this is a situation you cannot fix and that you must stop holding onto that illusion. You need to accept the horror and the futility of the situation, you really do.
Related:ย The Honest Truth About Toxic Relationships
What do you think will happen if you donโt?
Accept the situation as it is rather than fighting to change it and acknowledge the damage that has been done.
Then you can begin the healing process.
Written by Joanne Brothwell Originally appeared on Yourtango Printed with permission from the author
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