Commitment isn’t an easy thing. How do you know if the other person is really ‘the one’ for you? Be it past experiences, or fear of rejection, or you’re confused about your partner, or you’re simply playing it around, there can be various reasons for which you are not taking the further step. Overcoming your fear of commitment may not be as simple as it sounds, trying to remove the bricks one by one may do the trick.
One of the biggest complaints that women have about men when it comes to dating and relationships, is men’s fear of commitment. We’re quick to label this or that man as a ‘commitment-phobe’, yet rarely do we stop to look inside and wonder if the man is just reflecting a deep-seated fear of commitment within ourselves…
In fact, nobody is immune to fear of commitment: male or female, young or old, single, dating, or even married for years!
As a top international dating and relationship expert, and like much of my teachings, the 4 mantras I present below are inspired by my own experience in love.
Related: The Key To Overcoming Relationship Anxieties and Fears
Facing My Own Fear Of Commitment
You see, when I was young, my very first idea of love was borrowed directly from the movies and romantic novels. I thought love feels ELECTRIC, exciting, there’s a sense of unmet longing and desire for each other, an emotion unmatched and unparalleled by any other.
When I was 21, I said I wanted to be married, I wanted forever commitment and to grow old with one man, if I could have it my way.
And oh God, the Universe does deliver.
In fact, when I did this inner work I taught you lovely ladies today, my romantic world did turn around rather fast. From feeling chronically single and insecure, within months, I had handsome bankers and lawyers chasing me down for my attention, something I had NEVER experienced before this work… and which my clients get to experience all the time too.
But it wasn’t until my husband Chris proposed to me and ‘sh*t got real, so to speak, that I started to get cold feet. I went through a big-style fear of commitment myself after my own engagement with hubby Chris!!!
Here are the voices of my personal fear of commitment:
“How do you spend your WHOLE life with one person?”
“Isn’t that too much pressure for success on both partners?”
“Don’t you fall out of love?”
“Does the sex get dry?”
“Don’t you get bored of each other?”
“What if you grow in different directions?”
“What if he is hiding something that you don’t know about?”
“What if he cheats or falls out of love?”
“Is the engagement too quick?” (Chris proposed to me 9 months into dating)
Blah Blah Blah….
Maybe you can relate.
After all, at a heart level, we all have similar fears. We’re all afraid of vulnerability, rejection, disappointment, realizing that life and love and marriage aren’t as glorified as we thought they were. And we all long for that connection, glory, and unfailing love…
So here’s what I have to share with you, and what helped me handle my screaming demons and soothe my own anxious heart…
Related: 4 Driving Forces Behind Commitment Phobia
4 Mantras To Heal Your Fear Of Commitment
1. “Forever is just a string of present moments strung together.”
When you think about ‘forever’ as one big entity, it can be intimidating. It can feel burdensome. It can evoke fear, disillusionment, skepticism and make you want to run away vs. commit – “Can I even make it, Sami?”
However, if you start to see your relationship, your marriage (heck even your dates with the men you’re seeing!), as a moment-to-moment thing, without even knowing, you will create a happy forever…
Yes, this is the magic of the relationships that last.
They commit to a forever, but they don’t carry the burden of that idea daily on their shoulders. They live in the moment. They make the most of it. They do their best at that moment, and in the next, knowing that is the only thing they have and they CAN control.
I know this is how Chris and I do it, each day at a time, bringing our best to the table and making the most of what we share.
2. “You cannot control the future, so stop trying to.“
You can do your best, but you cannot control your future.
Even the happiest, most beautiful, most feminine energy, a high-value woman may get cheated on, dumped, left behind, or end up in divorce. Not a high probability, but it can happen.
There’s always that 1% unknown factor to live that we have no control over. Yes, we can do the work and we can control what we bring to the table as conscious wives and partners and girlfriends, but we cannot control who men are going to become, or what surprises life will bring to us.
In other words, whether we like it or we don’t, we are vulnerable in love. I am, you are, the next perfect-looking woman is too. If we try to fight that vulnerability that comes with love, we are fighting against love itself.
So surrender to the fact that you are vulnerable in love, and stop resisting it. Trust you are loved and commit to bringing your best to the relationship. If you fail at it, you will still be okay. In fact, you will be way better off than those that never even tried.
Related: 8 Ways Your Fear and Insecurity Is Sabotaging Your Relationship
3. “There’s boredom, diapers, sleepless nights – and it is still amazing!!!”
For all my clients who are scared of being bored with or by their partners, I have to ask:
Aren’t you bored by yourself too, sometimes? Doesn’t boredom belong to life, or is your life a daily red carpet walk at the Cannes Film Festival? Well, mine isn’t! So yes, there is boredom every once in a while, and it is real and I love it. After all, you have a handsome hunk to get bored with.
You can pull his ears and whatever else you want to and laugh and get bored together. Same with snores. They suck, but they belong to life. All these imperfections make real life. It isn’t what you see in Fifty Shades Of Grey, though it comes quite close to it.
4. Lastly: “True love grows, it doesn’t fade out.“
My love for Chris continues to grow, 7+ years into our marriage. I continue to experience him and his soul in ways I never did before. It is the same for him. What a joy it is for him to see his woman succeed so fiercely and be a mother and grow more into her fullest potential.
Over time, your trust deepens, your safety with each other deepens, the lovemaking gets better (not boring), IF you’re a woman who can handle real intimacy and let your guard down.
IF you’re a woman who can look beyond the mundane and enjoy the complexities of the human being you’re with. Now with time, love may change its forms. It may not look the same as it looked when it started, but it doesn’t mean it’s weaker or less powerful.
Just different!
This is true especially if you’re doing the Wunder work and using the powerful tools you learn from my programs. They will support your relationship to deepen with time, with yourself, and with your man.
The honeymoon phase truly does NOT have to end. The depths of intimacy that are available for you to experience with an emotionally healthy man being can be astoundingly limitless. But you have to be an eager beaver, willing to learn, willing to get down and dirty and play the raw field of emotions and vulnerability, that love is!
Related: 7 Fears Men Need to Give Up to Find the Love They Desire
There is great love here for you, my loves! All you need to do is heal your own fear of commitment and open your heart to receive all the love and joy this life has to offer.
Check out Sami Wunder’s blog for more interesting articles on love and relationships.
Written By Sami Wunder Originally Appeared On Sami Wunder’s Website
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