Lately, have you been feeling distant from your partner, even though you still love them? Have you tried to reconnect with your partner?
How to reconnect the chord of love with your partner when you feel disconnected?
By Kyle Benson
What can you do right now to make your relationship more romantic?
You could get your wife a diamond necklace. Or maybe you could buy her the Mercedes dream car sheโs always wanted.
Sounds like a good idea, right?
But letโs suppose that you havenโt asked your wife a question in five years, so you fail atย Love Maps.
Or while you are out on a double date with friends and your wife starts telling a story, you say, โthatโs a good story, but you always tell it wrong. Let me tell it.โ
So you fail at showing herย fondness and admiration.
Later that night she excitedly plops down next to you on the couch and shows you a picture of a romantic getaway in Italy.
โIsnโt this romantic?โ
You respond, โwill you be quiet? Iโm trying to read here!โ
So you fail atย turning towardsย her when she tries to connect with you.
Now reconsider that necklace and new car.
Is that going to rekindle the romance?
I donโt think so.
Sheโll probably throw the necklace on the ground and use the new Mercedes to drive over it a few times for good measure.
The Micro-Moments of Love
Culture has distorted what makes passion sizzle in a marriage. Advertisements convey the message that a romantic getaway or expensive jewelry is the way to a womanโs heart, but I find the dull moments of relationships are the most significant of all.
There is profound drama in the micro-moments of love.
The time when Jack and Susan have dinner together and talk about their days rather than watch TV in silence. Or how Kevin and Kris tenderly touch each other as they pass in the kitchen.
Want to know more about how you can reconnect with your partner? Read 5 Rituals to Reconnect in Your Relationship
Love is cultivated during the grind of everyday life.
Itโs the seemingly meaningless little moments of connection that are the most meaningful of all.
In relationships, people offer what Dr. John Gottman calls a โbidโ for each otherโs attention, affection, or support. This can be as insignificant as โplease cut the carrotsโ to something as significant as helping a partner deal with the struggles of an aging parent.
In these moments, we have a choice to turn towards our partner or away from them. If we turn towards our partner, we build trust, emotional connection, and passionate sex life.
As loopy as it may sound, the passion of romance is enhanced in the supermarket.
In the seemingly unrelated relationship question, โdo we need milk?โ The reply, โI canโt remember. Iโll grab some just in case,โ makes a world of difference rather than apathetically shrugging your shoulders.
Dr. John Gottman discovered that couples who divorced an average of 6 years after their wedding turned toward each other 33% of the time in his lab, while the couples who were together after 6 years turned toward each other 86% of the time. Thatโs a big difference.
The #1 thing couples fightย about is not about money or in-laws or sex. According to Dr. Gottman, most arguments in relationships are about a failure to connect emotionally.
The Emotional Bank Account
Every time you and your partner turn towards each other, you make a deposit into what Dr. John Gottman calls the Emotional Bank Account.
Every connected moment in your relationship builds up a savings of love that can be used during hard times.
If a couple has more positive deposits than negative, they are less likely to distrust each other during hard times. But if their Emotional Bank Account is in debt of disconnection, thenย trust and intimacyย erode away.
Here are three steps to reconnect when you feel disconnected from your partner byย investing in your Emotional Bank Account:
1. Accept Bids for Connection
Dr. Gottman says that โcouples often ignore each otherโs emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.โ
The first step to feeling more connected with your partner is to recognize how vital these micro-moments are. This is important not only for the trust in your marriage but for romance and intimacy as well.
The simple shift of not taking everyday interactions for granted can do wonders for a marriage. Helping out with work around the house is likely to do far more for your relationship than a two-week vacation in Tahiti.
Sometimes we miss bids because our partner says it in a negative way. For example, Kim says to her husband, โit never occurs to you to empty the dishwasher, does it?โ
James doesnโt hear her bid (โplease unload the dishwasherโ). Instead, he hearsย criticism, the first of the Four Horsemen. Itโs not surprising when he replies in a defensive manner.
If James would have said, โoh, youโre right. Iโm sorry,โ and then emptied the dishwasher, he would have scored brownie points and maybe even a sheepish smile from his wife as she realized her tone was unnecessary.
Before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a second, and look for the bid in their words.
Looking to know more about what you can do to reconnect with your partner? Read 3 Easy Ways to Rekindle Your Marriage
2. Understand Each Otherโs Love Maps
Often times couples assume their partner feels heard and known. The secret to understanding your partner comes not from mind-reading, but rather through the hard work of putting your partner in a position where they can share openly and honestly.
Do you know your partnerโs worries and stresses at the moment? What are their hopes and aspirations? What are their goals this year? Are they different from last year?
The key to understanding each other is to:
- Ask questions
- Remember the answers
- Keep asking questions
Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self is a lifelong process. Your partnerโs favorite movie might not be the same as it was five years ago.
The better the questions, the larger the emotional investment both of you make. If you want ideas for relationship-enhancing questions,ย go here.
3. Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Remember when the man interrupted his wife and told her story? Do you think that was building affection and respect in the relationship?
We all have personality flaws. Instead ofย focusing on your partnerโs inadequacies, learn to accept them.
And when you can, express what you cherish about your partner. The idea is to catch your partner doing something right and say, โthanks for doing that. I noticed you unloaded the dishwasher and I really appreciate it.โ
Each time you do this, your partner feels an emotional connection. As a result, you invest your emotional profits into your relationshipโs Emotional Bank Account.
Want to know more about how you can have a happy and fulfilling relationship with your partner? Read 9 Surprisingly Simple Secrets To Build A Happy and Emotionally Committed Relationship
Love is not built on big vacations or expensive gifts. Often it is the seemingly insignificant moments of connection that are the most significant of all.
So steal some time from your busy schedule and nurture your relationship with your partner by reconnecting the bond of love and affection!
If you want to know more about how you can reconnect with your partner, then check this video out below:
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