Have you ever wondered why so many people (including you, sometimes) choose to stay in bad relationships, despite knowing that they deserve better? Well, experts might have the answer to that.
I will admit I have been in my fair share of unhappy relationships. Whatโs worse, I stayed in them longer than I should have. While they werenโt the happiest of relationships, they werenโt necessarilyย badย ones.
There was no abuse, no cheating, no blatant disrespect, no crazy amount of arguing. Actually, there was quite a bit of good in those relationships. They treated me well and we had a good time together. And that might have been part of the problem โ there was enough good to convince me to stay. Enough good to overlook my underlying feelings of dissatisfaction. Enough good to think I was happy.
And I was happy on some level, just not happy enough.
This isnโt necessarily an issue when youโre young and new to the dating world. Itโs the whole point of dating โ trying out and figuring out the type of relationship you want for the long run. But as you get older and these tryouts become longer, it can be easy to get stuck. Before you know it, familiarity can look like love and time spent turns into reasons to stay.
Before you know it, youโre happyโฆ but not happy enough.
Related: To The Girl Who Tried A Little Too Hard For The Wrong Relationships
Why does this happen? Why do we stay in relationships that are just okay? Why are we willing to settle for a love that is less than?
First things first: What doesย not happy enoughย look like? This can be the tricky part because oftentimes it looks pretty good. Maybe your partner is sweet to you and does nice things for you. Maybe you have a great group of friends and you rarely fight. The problem usually isnโt from the outside looking in but rather from the inside looking in.
โMost of the time, we know we are not happy in the relationship, but we usually suppress that feeling because we donโt like to acknowledge it,โ says Reisman, LISW-S and psychotherapist. We are basically hiding our true feelings even from ourselves. Our unhappiness, however, will always leave clues.
According to Reisman, the following are indicators your current relationship may not be the right relationship:
1.ย You find yourself sharing more of your day-to-day life with friends and family than your partner.
2.ย You often find yourself judging things your partner says or does.
3.ย The idea of going somewhere with your partner makes you just want to stay home.
4.ย Itโs hard for you to come up with positives about your relationship.
5.ย Your partner is often critical of you.
6.ย You donโt feel respected by your partner.
Whether our unhappiness speaks in clear signs or quiet subtleties, as with most things in life, we must understand it to overcome it. Letโs look at the forces driving us to stay in the wrong relationship.
Here Are 4 Reasons That Drive Us To Stay In The Wrong Relationships
1. We Donโt Want To Be Alone.
At a certain point in life, going stag loses its cool, and being the third wheel just plain sucks. We want the couch dates, the double dates, and the plus ones. โFor a lot of us, itโs better to be in a relationship that somewhat works than to be alone at night, on the weekends, etc.,โ says Reisman. Having someone can be better than having no one.
But this is a slippery slope because the longer we stay, the harder it is to leave. According to Clinical Psychologist and author ofย Joy From Fearย Dr. Carla Manly, โThe longer a person has been in an unhappy relationship, the more fearful they may be of leaving and starting fresh.โ For with time comes the commingling of lives.
Soon our fear of isolation extends further than just from our partner. Reisman explains we donโt want to be separated from their friends or family or from certain places we used to go together, i.e. a gym or bar. At a certain point in a relationship, we will no longer just be breaking up with our partner. Weโll be breaking up with everything and everyone that came with them, from parents to pets, which only amplifies our fear of being alone.
Related: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: The Real Reason Relationships End in Heartache
2. We Avoid Change.
Breakups bring a lot of change, and not just a change in our relationship status. They can change daily routines, living circumstances, and even finances. โOftentimes, the biggest driving force to stay in a relationship is convenience,โ says Reisman. It may seem silly but think about it โ finding an apartment, finding a roommate, buying furniture, changing your address, even signing up for your own Netflix account โ these are all time-consuming, annoying, expensive, and often difficult things to do.
But as Reisman explains, โthe convenience of staying in an unhappy relationship is often more about a fear of being alone, dealing with rejection, and being judged by others for not being able to make the relationship work.โ It can appear easier โ both logistically and emotionally โ to maintain the status quo.
Dr. Manly agrees the conveniences extend past logistics and finances. โSome people stay in relationships to maintain a faรงade for the outside world,โ she says. She continues that in these situations, we are putting the perception of others above our own inner health, choosing to appear happy rather than be happy.
Why do we do this? โI see people stay in relationships because they are afraid of being uncomfortable,โ saysย Lauren Cook, MMFT and author ofย Name Your Story: How to Talk Openly About Mental Healthย andย The Sunny Side Up: Celebrating Happiness.
She points out the irony that while we avoid experiencing the unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions that come with a breakup (like sadness, fear, and isolation), we are usually experiencing those emotions anyway by staying in our current relationship. โPeople can become very avoidant of change, so they will work hard to stay comfortable in an uncomfortable relationship,โ explains Cook.
Perhaps the biggest change breakups bring is moving from the known to the unknown. โThe familiarity long-term partners have is a valuable commodity,โ saysย Andrew Aaron, LICSW. We know each otherโs nuances โ the good, the bad, and the ugly. Turning the life we know upside down means facing a side weโve yet to see. Enter our fear of the unknown.
Ultimately, ending a relationship means change, and change is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. โAll this makes it hard for people to admit their relationship is not making them as happy as they could be,โ says Reisman.
3. We Donโt Want To Fail.
Maybe itโs because of the time weโve already spent in the relationship, maybe itโs how it will look to the outside world, or maybe itโs simply a stubborn attitude. But for many of us, we just canโt seem to let go.
โSome people have a strong belief that they can make an unhealthy relationship work,โ says Dr. Manly. This can take the form of trying to change our partner to try to change ourselves. We may go to therapy, attend workshops, read books, and try every other self-work strategy we can fit into our lives. But as Dr. Manly points out, โIf one partner is indifferent, uninvested, or lethargic about the work it takes to create a healthy relationship, there is generally no hope for improvement.โ
Each partner must be committed to working on the relationship or we are fighting a losing battle.
Itโs extra complicated when the relationship is one the outside world doesnโt agree with. Not only do we not want to fail, but we definitely donโt want to be wrong. In these situations, our stubborn attitude can be a double-edged sword.
As Aaron points out, โMany people will use great effort to avoid a situation where another says, โI told you so.โโ We are determined to make it work, no matter the cost.
Related: Why Strong Women Stay in Bad Relationships
4. We Donโt Think We Deserve To Be Happy.
The cost is our happiness โ living a life and a love, less than we deserve. And therein lies the deepest issue. โIn some cases, individuals remain in bad relationships because they feel that they donโt deserve a good relationship,โ says Dr. Manly. Life experiences have left us feeling broken or unlovable, causing us to accept a relationship we know is wrong.
And it only perpetuates the cycle. โIt is a reality that being in an unhappy relationship has a strong negative effect on self-esteem,โ says Aaron. โMany partners do not feel valuable enough to attract another or confident enough to handle a solitary life.โ It becomes a cycle โ subconscious sabotage on repeat.
But once we see the cycle, we can break it. But we do. Because we always have a choice. We can choose to let our fears and insecurities hold us back from the happiness we deserve, or we can fight to overcome them.
When it comes to leaving an unhappy relationship, โmost critical is the personโs level of internal strength,โ says Dr. Manly. We must build the muscle to push through our fears, the endurance to withstand all the change, and the knowledge that choosing ourselves is never a failure.
The way out of a wrong relationship is to right our minds. To understand we will only find happiness with another when we choose happiness for ourselves.
There are many reasons why we stay in the wrong relationship. Do let us know in the comments if you ever choose to stay in a toxic relationship and why?
Written By Kacie Main Originally Appeared In Thought Catalog
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