She says they’re not dating, but she’s not alone. She tells me, “It’s a situationship.”
They text daily, sleep together, cook on Sundays, and know each other’s friends. When she asks what they are building, he says he dislikes labels and is not ready for anything more. She stays anyway. She feels anxious, loyal, confused, and quietly ashamed for wanting a relationship.
When it ends, there is no breakup, only silence where daily connection used to be. Grief and self-doubt consume her, but she feels ashamed because they were never “official.” This is the emotional aftermath many young people call a situationship hangover.
Situationships are romantic connections that include intimacy and shared time but lack clarity, commitment, or a shared future plan. Couples engage in behaviors typical of romantic relationships, but there is an underlying ambiguity about the relationship status and expectations. Legitimate needs for emotional safety, consistency, and open communication remain unseen and unmet. According to a YouGov survey, 50% of 18-34 year olds have been in a situationship
When a situationship ends, it creates cognitive dissonance because the individual grieves a connection that was never fully acknowledged. For the person seeking stability, there is a lingering sense of being unworthy of commitment. Individuals may feel shame and blame themselves for staying.
Read More Here: When To Leave A Relationship
Fear of Being Single (FOBS)
One possible force beneath these ambiguous dynamics is the Fear of Being Single, or FOBS.
FOBS is defined in the literature as “concern, anxiety, or distress regarding the current or prospective experience of being without a romantic partner” (Spielmann et al., 2013, p. 1049). Using the Fear of Being Single Scale, researchers found that people with higher FOBS were more likely to lower their standards and continue seeing unsatisfying partners because they feared ending up alone (Spielmann et al., 2013). FOBS affects both single and partnered individuals (Cantarella et al., 2023). Higher FOBS is associated with lower life satisfaction for single individuals and lower life and relationship satisfaction for partnered people (Dennett & Girme, 2024).
When someone fears being alone, they may minimize their needs and tolerate uncertainty rather than risk starting over. In a situationship, intermittent affection strengthens the attachment and hope overrides the ambiguity. As one college student rationalized, “At least he’s still texting memes. That means something, right?”
Many assume FOBS is more prevalent in women because they’re considered more relationship-focused and anxious about timelines. However, emerging data challenge this assumption. A 2024 study found that single men, on average, reported lower satisfaction with their single status and a greater desire for a romantic partner than single women (Hoan & MacDonald, 2024). This does not mean men experience FOBS in the same ways as women, but it challenges the premise that women struggle more with being unpartnered.
College and postgraduate women tell me that men often avoid initiating dates or progressing situationships into real relationships. This mismatch is concerning: many men report loneliness and a desire for connection, yet avoid initiation and commitment, while many women seek clarity yet remain in ambiguous dynamics because leaving feels worse than waiting.
The Relationship Pedestal Belief
Cultural beliefs about relationships can intensify FOBS. “Relationship pedestal beliefs” are the beliefs that people need romantic partnerships to be happy and fulfilled (Dennett & Girme, 2024). Stronger endorsement of these beliefs consistently showed higher FOBS among both single and partnered study participants (Dennett & Girme, 2024). Individuals with these beliefs may stay in an unfulfilling situation because they see it as their only hope for happiness.
Relationship pedestal beliefs reflect broader Western cultural norms that equate romantic coupling with contentment. Western societies provide more privilege and elevate couples through tax policy, media, and social status, while framing singlehood as a temporary problem to overcome (DePaulo, 2023). Social psychologists call this systemic bias “singlism,” the misguided tendency to view partnered people as more stable, mature, and successful than single people (DePaulo, 2023).
How To Address Situationships And FOBS
If both men and women desire authentic connection and partnership, why are they participating in situationships?
Commitment avoidance may stem from early attachment experiences, unresolved wounds from past relationships, limited emotional regulation, and a digital dating climate that promises optionality. Online dating apps invite constant comparison and reinforce the idea that someone better might be one swipe away.
Social media often amplifies unrealistic romance ideals. As a result, many wait for connections to arrive effortlessly and perfectly aligned. All these factors contribute to couples bypassing the slower, more meaningful processes of building trust, open communication, and conflict resolution skills.
So how can young adults fortify their connections? Below are three things to consider.
- Start by restoring standards that FOBS erodes. Practice direct communication early. When people avoid discomfort, they may allow for ambiguity. Asking, “What are we building?” may feel risky, but it prevents months of guessing. Express your needs and if they cannot be met, that is a warning sign.
Measure connection by behavior, not potential. Relationships built on potential rarely mature into reality. Emotional intimacy grows from reliability, mutual effort, respect, and a shared sense of direction.
- Build intentional, supportive singlehood foundations. Knowing you can thrive unpartnered might be one of the strongest antidotes to FOBS. Friendship, community, meaningful work, creativity, spirituality, and mentorship reduce romantic over-reliance. A partner adds to a full life, rather than being the sole source of fulfillment.
- Learn relationship skills. These should be taught in every high school and college. We teach algebra and anatomy, but not how to navigate attraction, boundaries, communication, sex, rejection, or repair. These skills determine whether relationships deepen or dissolve.
Healthy love does not happen by accident. It requires emotional awareness, interpersonal skills, and practice. Without these skills, many young adults will continue to struggle with FOBS and settle for situationships rather than building authentic, mutually satisfying partnerships.
Read More Here: Your Past Relationships May Control Your Present Reality
I’d love to connect with you! What are your thoughts on situationships and FOBS? Reach out to me at www.soullife.us or tune into our podcast, 7onSundays.
If you are a college student or post grad and you want to share your story on our show, we’d love to connect.
References
Cantarella, I. A., Spielmann, S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2023). Validating the Fear of Being Single Scale for individuals in relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(9), 2969–2979.
Dennett, B. E., & Girme, Y. U. (2024). Relationships on a pedestal: The associations between relationship pedestal beliefs, fear of being single, and life satisfaction in single and coupled individuals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 51(11), 2183–2199
DePaulo, B. (2023). Single and flourishing: Transcending the deficit narratives of single life. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 15(3), 389-411.
Hoan, E., & MacDonald, G. (2024). “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves”: Gender differences in singles’ well-being. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 16(6), 610-619.
Spielmann, S. J., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(6), 1049-1064.
© 2026 Cheralyn Leeby, PhD, LMFT.
All rights reserved.
Originally posted on Psychology Today
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