Therapist Oona Metz, LICSW, shares 3 grounding strategies for coping with the pain of a partner’s affair.
After discovering an affair, this is what to do first.
Key points
- Discovering an affair can be devastating and disorienting.
- Taking good care of your body will depend on how your nervous system reacts.
- Take time to slow down and think through your options.
- Finding the right supports is crucial in the aftermath of an affair.
As a therapist specializing in women navigating divorce, I know how devastating it is to learn about a partner’s infidelity. A betrayal of any kind—sexual, financial or emotional—can be overwhelming, devastating and disorienting. Many women feel their sense of trust has been shattered—their trust in their partner, and in themselves.
They may feel rageful, confused, fearful, and overwhelmingly sad. Some experience insecurity and doubt their self-worth and attractiveness. All of these feelings are normal and valid but they won’t last forever. Following are three strategies to help keep you grounded in the immediate aftermath of betrayal.
Read More Here: The Psychology Of A Cheating Spouse
When You Discover A Partner’s Affair, 3 Things That Help
1. Take Care of Your Body
When a distressing event of this magnitude happens, we tend to respond in one of two ways: Either our nervous system shuts down and we become numb, or the opposite occurs and we become highly activated. Both are normal reactions to stress.
If you react by becoming numb, you might feel paralyzed, disconnected, or like you are walking through a thick fog. This is your body’s defense mechanism against emotions that are too overwhelming to process. Mindfulness exercises like noticing sights, sounds, textures, and smell may help you feel more grounded. Taking a cold shower or squeezing an ice cube in your palm may also help you feel less detached.
On the other hand, if your nervous system is activated, you will feel highly emotional. With your heart and head racing, eating and sleeping may become challenging. You may find it difficult to concentrate and make decisions. Practice calming your breathing by taking slow, deep breaths. Don’t worry about keeping up with your exercise routine right now, but doing jumping jacks or running in place may help regulate your nervous system when your emotions are running high.
The two most important things you can do for your body are eating enough and sleeping enough. It doesn’t matter what you are eating—this is not the time to count calories, monitor your protein intake, or worry about eating too much. Your body needs fuel, so eat anything you can tolerate, and drink plenty of water.
Getting enough sleep is critical as you manage your physical and mental health. If you can’t fall asleep or stay asleep, try meditations or natural remedies first, but talk to your doctor about medication if those don’t work. When you’re under a lot of stress, your body needs the replenishment it gets from sleep more than ever.
As difficult as it might be, you should also schedule an STI test. Infidelity can come with health risks that need to be managed immediately. Tell your doctor what has happened and ask about next steps.
2. Slow Down Your Decision-Making
After learning about the affair, you may feel you have a lot of important decisions ahead of you. Some couples heal from infidelity and come back even stronger. Others separate or divorce because trust can’t be restored, or the affair exposes cracks in their relationship too deep to repair.
You and your partner have a lot to talk about if you are considering staying together: What was happening in your relationship and in each of you individually when the affair occurred? What do you need to reestablish trust? How can you both work to address the hurt and pain? What kind of boundaries do you need right now?
Unless you are in physical danger, wait until your brain slows down before taking action. Science shows us that stress decreases cognitive processing. Your brain functioning will return in time, but for now, resist the urge to make any life-changing decisions.
If you’re a parent, do whatever you can to shield young children from this crisis. They don’t need to know the specifics of adult relationships and should be protected from conflict and highly emotional interactions between their parents.
3. Build Your Support Team
Choose a few trustworthy friends or family members who can support you during this time. A friend who will agree with whatever you’re feeling might be just the kind of validation you need right now. It may also be helpful to have friends who can lovingly challenge you and help you rationally think through what comes next.
Be selective about who you share your experience with. Remember that you can always tell more people later, but you can never un-tell. Avoid talking to people who will ask you to manage their feelings about the affair rather than focusing on yours.
A good therapist can help you process your emotions while remaining neutral about the outcome. Feelings of rage, panic, confusion, and shame are all common responses to infidelity. You may want to see a therapist by yourself, with your partner or both.
Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. An affair can cause tremendous pain for everyone involved. Be patient with yourself as you decide on a path forward. Take one step at a time and know that you are not alone and you will feel better eventually.
Read More Here: Is She Lying About Sleeping With Someone? 10 Signs That Expose The Truth
To learn more vist: https://www.oonametz.com/book-unhitched
And you can pre-order Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women here. (Click this link).
Written by: Oona Metz, LICSW
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
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