There are many subtle ways to ruin a relationship without even realizing it. From small relationship mistakes to behaviors that show signs your relationship is falling apart, you might be unknowingly doing more harm than good.
Here’s how to sabotage your relationship without meaning to, and what you can do to stop it before it’s too late.
KEY POINTS
- Many people deny they have serious problems in their relationships and unconsciously reinforce them.
- There are several ways to unconsciously sabotage a relationship.
- Listening intently to your partner’s complaints and taking immediate action can prevent relationship erosion.
Most people are aware when they are dissatisfied with their relationships and may even express this discontent to friends and family. Only the brave or indifferent confront their partners in a consistent and significant enough way to bring about change.
Then there are those individuals who are unaware they have a meaningful relationship problem and how they have been contributing to it, sometimes making it irreparable.
Related: Sneaky Relationship Wreckers: 10 Silly Habits That Ruin Relationships
Gender Differences in Communication
Studies suggest that women are more emotionally expressive than men (Chaplin, 2015). This is not to mean that men do not have equally strong feelings.
Research also indicates that the expression of feelings is social context-related with most men commonly expressing anger, for example, and women expressing such feelings as disappointment or sadness (Simon & Nath, 2004).
Many of the men I have treated try to avoid, consciously or unconsciously, direct expression of dissatisfaction with their partners outside of a desire for a more robust sex life.
The point of this post is to examine four specific ways those individuals who, expressive or not, unconsciously sabotage their relationships.
Some of these partners have an idea their behavior may be problematic, but even these individuals may vastly underestimate the potential damage they are doing.
Ways To Ruin A Relationship: 4 Unconscious Ways to Destroy a Relationship
1. Choose Poorly.
The first way to guarantee your relationship will not last is to choose someone to whom you lack emotional or physical attraction too. Attractiveness is subjective, and what might be an excellent choice for you might not be right for a friend.
If you choose someone you believe you have truly fallen in love with or can see yourself spending years with—someone you can talk to and someone you want to be physically close to, your chances are better than average that your relationship will last.
If, however, you choose poorly, you might be unconsciously sabotaging or setting your relationship up for failure from the onset.
2. Highlight Your Partner’s Flaws.
If you consistently pick on your partner and expect them to accept what you believe are constructive criticisms that should do little harm, think again.
While your heart might be in the right place, you are unconsciously wearing your partner and the relationship down.
3. Take Too Much Distance.
Even though you might be distancing for a worthy cause (e.g., work longer hours to make more money), you may be unconsciously setting the relationship on a course from which it might never recover.
Distant partners leave too much emotional and physical space between them opening the door for a third party to come between them. Even young, well-intentioned parents are prone to distance via triangulating their children.
The literature refers to these relationships as “child centered.” And partners with addictions triangulate drugs or alcohol, which take precedence over the relationship. Distance can be attained in numerous ways using both animate and inanimate objects.
4. Fail to Read Between the Lines.
There is an old saying: “In every relationship one person is a poor communicator and the other cannot read between the lines.”
If you fail to keep your finger on the pulse of your relationship or refuse to listen intently to what your partner is trying to tell you, you may be unconsciously and over time allowing your relationship to erode.
There are many more examples of how to unconsciously ruin your relationship, but these are a few of the most common ones that I have seen in my clinical practice.
Related: 10 Toxic Behaviors That Ruin Relationships and How To Avert Them
The best way to avoid relationship erosion is to listen and take seriously what your partner claims he/she is unhappy about and to take immediate action.
Sometimes this requires looking for clues or reading between the lines if your partner is not directly expressing dissatisfaction.
A metaphor from my former dentist serves as an appropriate warning: “If you do not fix your cavity, you will eventually need a root canal. If you do not get a root canal, you will lose the tooth.”
References:
Chaplin, T.M. (2015). Gender and emotion expression: A developmental contextual perspective. Emotion review, 7, 14-21. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073914544408
Simon, R.W., & Nath, L.E. (2004). Gender and emotion in the United States: Do men and women differ in self-reports of feelings and expressive behavior? American Journal of Sociology, 109, 1137-1176. https://doi.org/10.1086/382111
Written by Stephen J. Betchen D.S.W.
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
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