Emotionally neglected men often mistake silence and self-reliance for strength, not realizing they are carrying the weight of emotional neglect and childhood emotional neglect.
If you have ever felt like an emotionally neglected man, or loved one, this guide reveals what’s really going on beneath the surface and how healing starts.
KEY POINTS
- Many men value their individuality as a sign of strength while it’s actually a sign of emotional neglect.
- Having their emotions discouraged as children teaches men to hide and devalue feelings in general.
- Most emotionally neglected men are stand-up guys, but they lack the ability to properly connect emotionally.
If you identify as a man, answer these questions about yourself. If your partner identifies as a man, answer these questions about him (to the best of your ability):
Do you…
Feel like you don’t fit in anywhere?
Present as the “strong, silent type”?
Feel driven to provide for your family, but not much else?
Ask very little from others?
Feel baffled by the emotions of others?
Want to escape when there is crying, yelling, or intense feelings of any kind?
Dread deep talks with your partner?
If you’re answering yes to a number of these, chances are that you are a man who experienced childhood emotional neglect, or your partner is an emotionally neglected man.
These types of men grew up in households where their feelings weren’t treated as important. Their feelings were ignored, under-responded to, or perhaps even invalidated.
They grew up to believe that their feelings didn’t matter because they were treated as such.
Related: How Men Deal With Loss, And What They Need Most
Today, as adults, emotionally neglected men feel numb, alone, and empty. They don’t rely on anyone and often mistake their individuality as a sign of strength, while it is actually a sign of emotional neglect.
On the inside, they feel different and secretly believe that something is inherently wrong with them. Since they don’t treat their feelings as important, they don’t know vital information about themselves.
They end up feeling unseen and disconnected from not only themselves but also from others.
If this is you, first and foremost, know that you are not alone. Many people have been raised with childhood emotional neglect, and many of those people are men.
Men are more likely to be told, directly or indirectly, that having emotions makes you weak in our society (although this is finally starting to change, beginning with Gen X). All of this makes men vulnerable to emotional neglect.
What the Research Tells Us
Spalek et al., 2015, discovered specific ways men and women process emotions differently. Men’s brains prove to be less reactive to emotions than women’s brains, and men retain emotional images to a lesser degree than women.
It’s fair to say that women’s biological makeup allows for more enhanced emotional capabilities. But it’s not fair to say, “That’s just how it is!” Men, specifically boys as they’re being raised, are in greater need of emotional attentiveness from their parents.
Without emotional response and validation, they are left floundering in an emotional world.
Childhood emotional neglect happens when parents fail to respond to their child’s emotional needs. Boys who grow up in an emotionally neglectful environment do what they need to survive in their childhood home: They wall off their feelings.
Today, these boys-turned-men continue to live with that wall. It’s the very thing that stands in the way of connection and motivation.
It’s emotions that provide access to a rich and colorful life that emotionally neglected men are sorely missing out on.
If you feel you may be an emotionally neglected man, or think a man in your life is living with emotional neglect, there are answers for you. You don’t need to live this way forever. Childhood emotional neglect can be healed.
5 Things Every Emotionally Neglected Man (and Their Loved Ones) Need to Know
1. The wall between you and your emotions is no longer helpful.
The wall you built to protect yourself from your emotions in childhood served a great purpose at the time—it helped you get by in an environment that taught you emotions are unimportant.
But the wall today now stands between you and the people who love you most. Instead of protecting you, it’s now hindering your connections.
2. It takes strength to feel.
So many men learn that they need to be tough, strong, and masculine. Those words are to some degree synonymous with “emotionless” in our society and/or family home. And perhaps you pride yourself on this quality today.
But what society doesn’t teach us is that it takes incredible strength to feel your feelings. It’s just about the bravest thing a person can do, especially after years of keeping them at bay.
Real strength comes from accessing your feelings, accepting them, expressing them, and doing something with them.
3. You’ll begin to feel a sense of belonging when you access your emotions.
Emotions are the magnets that draw people together. So, it’s no wonder you might be feeling disconnected from others. It’s not because you don’t belong or that you’re less interesting than other people.
It’s because you have blocked off the very thing that leads to connection—your emotions!
4. Even though you might feel empty, you’re really not.
You can definitely feel empty when you’re alone with your wall. But on the other side of the wall is where all of your emotions lie and wait.
Don’t mistake your emptiness as a sign you don’t have feelings… it’s only a sign that your feelings have been pushed far down. Once you start chipping away at the wall, the emptiness will start to change form to whatever emotions you access.
5. There’s so much you can do.
You can feel so much different than you do now if you take the steps to heal. Start identifying, validating, and expressing your feelings. The more you take the time to practice these emotion skills, the more you’ll feel connected to yourself and others.
Allow the people who love you to support you through this. Keep learning about childhood emotional neglect. Explore the impact it had on you as a child and today.
Reach out to a therapist if you’d like guided support. Read the book Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.
You can do this.
Related: When A Man Cries In Front Of A Woman: 10 Ways To Be The Support He Needs
Emotionally Neglected Men No More
If you’re reading this and believe a man in your life could find this post useful, please send it along to him. Tell him you love him and want to be closer to him. Men need encouragement from others, especially emotionally neglected men.
So many men dealing with the ramifications of childhood emotional neglect live life silently, without awareness of what’s missing in their lives.
Resources like these could be the jumpstart they need to understand themselves better, connect with the ones most important to them, and heal.
A man can heal not just for himself but also for the boys that come after him. We, as a community, can put an end to emotionally neglected men.
Jonice Webb, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and author of two books, Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships.
To learn if you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Take The Emotional Neglect Test. It’s free.
© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
References:
To determine if you might be living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect, you can take the free Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. You'll find the link in my bio.
Written by Jonice Webb Ph.D.
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
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