How it feels to let go
Bea Pilotin shares her personal experience of how it felt to let go of her other half.
Do you remember the last time we talked? It had been one of those in-between September days when autumnal tints and late summer sun seemed to merge and gave the impression of being suspended between seasons.
I told you:
“I can’t love you. I still love him and I suppose I could love another man in another way at the same time but not you. Because I would always see you as an extension of him. I want to fall in love with you in a separate way- one that involves only us, uninfluenced by the past, and our hurt. I can’t-do that now and I can’t say when I’ll be able to. Don’t make me special. Don’t waste your time waiting for me. Keep looking around then you’ll forget about me.”
That’s not true! Yes, I did lie to you.
On that day, you have disappeared without uttering a word. There were no words of parting nor promises of beginning from you. And on the same day, I started longing for you. Every moment, since then, I started missing you and I was wishing to see you again so that I could tell you what’s going on in my heart.
Pain seared through my heart each moment, every day. I cried the tears of a lovelorn, the all-consuming sporadic weeping that shattered my entire body for an hour or end. I was so bitterly sorry for myself that I didn’t know how to survive the lonely days without you. I have tried to hide the despondency to everybody but it lived like parasites, sucking away my ability to enjoy life.
I have tried to detach myself from the bittersweet remembrance that holds me back from the hope that, one day we will meet again. I have tried to take the courage to move on in a new direction but I failed. I still think about meeting you one day, maybe, just maybe at the end of the road- the one that involves only us.
I’m sorry, I lied. I told you I can’t love you. But you have occupied the whole space in my mind and my heart. I wonder, why do love and pain have to go together? Why do our hearts function the way they do? Why do our hearts keep on loving and defy explanations?
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I’m sorry for not telling you how I felt. It has been years but the thought of meeting someone else is not even a consideration. I still wince painfully every time I think of you. I want to tell you that I can’t bear the pain of knowing I won’t be able to see you again. It’s true, nothing is ever easy and it’s never easy to forget you. The memories of you, hurt me so much until now. And I can’t wait for the day when I see you again.
I’m sorry and if only I could turn back the hands of time, I would go back to that moment and tell you how I truly felt.
I’m sorry that you have never felt the warmth of my sweet embrace.
I’m sorry that you have swallowed unwilling tears that have no explanation.
I really am so sorry. I hope you could find it in your heart to forgive me.
Maybe life is worthwhile if you to stay. I wish that one day, you will look back and hear those echoes of me in your heart.
And if one day, you’ll decide to come back again, I will love you differently- beautiful and new. One day, this loneliness and nightmare for both of us will be over.
Yes, I will do differently this time.
I will look straight into your eyes so you would see everything my heart is trying to tell you. I will look straight into your eyes so you would feel the love that’s different and new. And I will look straight into your eyes so you would feel the warmth of my love.
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I will tell all the passionate declarations I have kept in my heart for so many years. I will hold you with all the love I feel in my heart. I will kiss you like you’re the first person I’ve ever kissed. I will kiss you again and again until I memorize the taste of your lips.
I will wait for you because I have the promise that I know, deep in my heart, you still keep until now- to love you in a separate way. The one that involves only us and uninfluenced by the past and I can say I’m right here waiting for you.
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