If your eternal quest for finding true love is facing one dead end after another, the following article might help you discover some startling insights into finding real love.
Whether you‘re completely single and have been for years… Or recently separated having gone through a gut-wrenching breakup, there is something I need to bring your attention to. The key to finally finding love.
Many folks believe that a “relationship” starts and stops with another warm body, be it your intimate partner, ex, or best friend. But what if I told you that there is another critical relationship that exists forever and always in your life at this very moment?
The Relationship That Matters
What if this hidden relationship was the FOUNDATION for creating healthy, clear love with another human being?
You see, it’s often the neglect of this hidden relationship that causes all of your romantic endeavors to fall apart at the seams. In fact, if this relationship isn’t healthy, it’s IMPOSSIBLE for you to create a thriving partnership with a lover…Period. So,
What is this hidden relationship that’s right under your nose? Well, it’s your relationship with reality, the way life is right now. In other words, the relationship you have with the present moment.
Let’s unpack this. If you’re single and reading this email, how do you feel about being single? When you’re feeling lonely, do you find yourself distracting or disconnecting from that feeling because it’s painful through say social media, eating, drinking, or work?
On a more general, level how do you find yourself dealing with any uncomfortable emotion that enters your experience?
If you‘re typically disconnecting from your experience of the present then you‘re not in the right relationship with life. In truth, what you‘re practicing is abandoning the present moment. And if you‘re abandoning the present moment, you’re abandoning yourself.
You’re not being intimate with yourself, nor your feelings, which is actually the true starting place for being intimate with another (and building a relationship that lasts).
Related: 10 Phrases That Say A Lot More Than ‘I Love You.’
Instead what you‘re practicing is an unfulfilled, disconnected way of being that often leads to emptiness, loneliness, and discontent.
The Path Of Finding True Love
And here’s the kicker – if this is the neuronal highway you are continuing to fire in your mind over and over again; disconnect and abandonment about where you‘re at currently in life, then another human being is not going to come along and change that way of being.
Imagine a guy comes along and you have practiced creating an identity of lack, missing, dis-ease. It will typically play out in one of two ways:
1. You Believe Something Is Missing And You Will Look For Evidence Of Such
Your neuronal pathways will have experience and strength firing, “something’s not right”. So, you may find yourself being suspicious, unsatisfied, “not feeling it”… with the people you date. You have trained yourself into looking for “what’s missing”.
Your expectations of what the right partner will feel like will be so enormously out of proportion to the reality that no mere mortal will be able to fill those shoes. So you‘ll hold back – driving with the breaks and become defended in your interactions with men because you’ll be thinking it’s too good to be true. Or if you’re in a relationship you’ll feel dissatisfied and this pattern is ultimately one of self-sabotage and constriction.
Related: 10 Habits That Cause Low Self Esteem And Depression
Or, on the flip side:
2. You Will Be Desperate Because You‘ve Been Training A “Scarcity Mindset.”
A man entering the picture you feel you click with will just be a blank canvas for you to project all that has been missing from your life. He will feel projected onto a golden goose; him being positioned in your mind on a pedestal that will both flatter and put an unreasonable amount of pressure on him to be what you want him to be.
This will drive him or her away because they won’t feel you are in a relationship with them, but rather in a relationship with some fantasy of a savior who is going to rescue you from your discontent. In short, they won’t feel like an equal.
At its core in both of these paths, the disconnection with the present moment breeds desperation because you‘re ultimately outsourcing your connection to self, through connection to others as the only way to achieve fulfillment.
Make sense?
If you can relate to anything I’ve just unpacked here, know that you’re not alone. This is a very common phenomenon. It is your responsibility though, to step out of it if you want to create healthy clear love.
So, how do you break this cycle if this is where you‘re at?
What’s The Key To Finding True Love?
First, you must realize that your emotional experience is your responsibility and see the game that you’ve set up, that in order to feel happy, secure, free, loved, desired you have believed you need a partner.
Just become aware of this.
Related: Healthy Boundaries: How To Protect Your Personal Space
And this game of, “I can’t feel the emotions I want until I’m in a partnership” is authored by you, and therefore, you have the power to dismantle it.
So start to flirt with the idea, that a relationship might not make you happy. I know plenty of folks in a relationship with the “right partner” at one point that doesn’t feel any of those things above. In large part, because they never practice creating those feelings for themselves.
The secret is to discover how to arrive at that destination of contentment, feeling loved, secure first, without a partner.
Now look, on this path, there are going to be periods where you do feel discontent, sad, disappointed with not having a partner. This is normal and natural but the way through these feelings is to not run from them. And it’s not to try and fix them or distract yourself from them (like checking your phone incessantly whenever you feel lonely).
It’s not to make these feelings wrong or run from them through achievement, workaholism, or judgment that you SHOULDN’T be feeling this way – judging the feelings leads to them staying stuck. The way through these often painful emotions is to be with them.
To welcome them to welcome all of them as guests. To build intimacy with each of them and expand your relationship with the present moment itself. To use each emotion as a gateway to building a more resilient, loving relationship with you. That’s the path to finally finding true love.
The Journey Of Finding Real Love Starts With Living In The Moment
To say yes to the present is to say Yes to yourself.
When you are in the right relationship with the present moment, you come into the right relationship with yourself as a creator of your experience. You‘re then gifted with the ability to author a more compassionate story about why you are where you are. It’s an opportunity to practice self-love and intimacy through communication with yourself in a way that builds all of the necessary scaffolding you GET to bring with you as an offering into your next relationship.
No more putting pressure on someone to fix your experience and not recognizing love when it’s staring you in the face.
Relationship at that moment then becomes a platform for you to give and be, rather than a place for you to take from. That’s the key to finally finding love that exists forever.
I believe this poem by Rumi captures the essence of this “being and welcoming” the present experience.
Related: 12 Tips To Self-Love And Compassion
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Written by: Clayton Olson Originally appeared on claytonolsoncoaching.com and is republished here with permission. Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator. He delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops. Register for his free webinar that reveals the 3 Keys to Attracting and Keeping a High-Quality Man or grab his free guide 5 Secrets To Create An Extraordinary Relationship.
So, did you find the above article “The Secret Key To Finding True Love” to be helpful? Now that you know about the one most important relationship that matters and how to find true love, tell us what is your secret to happiness? And how will you score your hidden relationship with life? Please leave your comments down below.
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