The People Pleaser And The Narcissist: The Toxic Relationship Trap

Are you a people pleaser trapped in a relationship with a narcissist? A relationship between the people pleaser and the narcissist is a toxic one, to say the least. This is a frustrating toxic pattern that you need to break out of to live a healthy, happy, and satisfying life.

Who is a people pleaser?

People pleaser refers to individuals who want everyone to like them. They have difficulty saying no to others. Hence they end up saying yes to everyone and everything.

They find it frustrating that someone does not like them as they always seek external validation from others. They believe that pleasing others is the only and best path to acceptance.

They have poor boundary-setting skills and often end up doing things that they might not personally like. They are willing to do anything and everything to make everyone around them happy and keep them pleased.

As a result, they often hide their genuine selves and portray a personality that is more likable.

National best-selling author Vanessa Van Edwards writes โ€œA people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them.โ€ She adds โ€œPeople pleasers often act the way they do because of their insecurities and lack of self-esteem.โ€

Related: 9 Signs Youโ€™re A People Pleaser

Is being a people pleaser wrong?

Trying to please others might not look like the worst thing to do. There is nothing wrong with being kind and nice to make others happy.

But when you ignore your own self and avoid your needs and happiness just to please others, then it can be detrimental to your own mental and emotional well-being.

Author Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explains โ€œA people pleaser isnโ€™t just being big-hearted or kind to others. Nor are people-pleasers compromising.โ€ They donโ€™t have the option to choose. โ€œTheir behavior has become a lifestyle. Itโ€™s compulsive because theyโ€™re unable to say no,โ€ she adds.

People pleaser and the narcissist

When you try to make others feel better or control their reactions by altering your behaviors, words, and even persona, then it can become a damaging, unhealthy habit. By bending over backward to do things that others may like, you go out of your way to be more acceptable and likable.

You invest your time, effort, and energy into pleasing others as you lack self-confidence, have low self-esteem and are riddled with insecurities.

Therapist Erika Myers says โ€œThe urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and, potentially, to our relationships when we allow other peopleโ€™s wants to have more importance than our own needs.โ€<

In their efforts to avoid outer conflict, people pleasers end up creating monumental inner conflict. And this can seriously affect their careers, relationships, and personal lives.

โ€œThe anger, resentment, hurt, and conflict we always tried to avoid continue to grow. Being alone might appear to be a welcome escape from these challenges, but then weโ€™d end up sacrificing our connection to others, which is what we truly want,โ€ explains Darlene Lancer.

Related: 9 Important Reminders For A People Pleaser and How To Finally Say โ€˜Noโ€™

Signs of a people pleaser

People pleasing can be a damaging habit and a serious problem. If you are wondering whether you are a people pleaser or not, then here are a few signs to watch out for according to psychotherapist and author Amy Morin, LCSW

  1. You pretend to agree with others even though you may disagree internally
  2. You feel personally responsible for how people around you may feel
  3. You apologize to others more than you should and unnecessarily blame yourself
  4. You are always doing what others want you to do and feel burdened by it
  5. You find it difficult to say no to others, so you either say yes or lie to avoid it
  6. You can compromise your values to please others as you donโ€™t want to displease anyoneย 
  7. You pretend to be someone you are not and engage in self-destructive behavior to make others like you
  8. Getting external validation is crucial for you as you highly value what others think of you
  9. You avoid conflict at all costs and easily sacrifice and compromise your standย 
  10. You never let others know about your real feelings or emotional pain, damaging your relationships

The people pleaser and the narcissist

The lack of self-esteem and low sense of self-worth is perhaps why most people pleasers end up in a relationship with narcissists. Itโ€™s like a match made in heaven.

They are two ends of the same spectrum โ€“ the people pleaser is the benevolent element while the narcissist is the malevolent element. They often feed off one another and are usually unable to thrive without the other.ย 

People pleaser and the narcissist

Narcissists love preying on people who will give them praise and validation. While people who love pleasing others love giving what the narcissist seeks the most โ€“ attention. Their lack of self-confidence and self-esteem compels them to focus on the narcissist by avoiding their own selves.

Clinical psychologist and author Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. writes โ€œPeople-pleasers, so dependent on being approved and accepted by others, are incapable of validating themselves independent of othersโ€™ confirmation.โ€

Related: How Your Emotional Thinking Excuses The Narcissistโ€™s Toxicity

The narcissistic relationship trap

One of the main reasons why narcissists and people pleasers attract each other so much is because they fulfill each otherโ€™s unhealthy, toxic needs.

The narcissist is only concerned about their own needs and desires while the pleaser is obsessed with making others happy by avoiding their own needs. This is why narcissist is so strongly attracted to people who love pleasing others.

โ€œNarcissists think of themselves first and very little of others; people-pleasers think of others and very little of themselves,โ€ says author and mental health advocate Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC.

A people pleaser will often look at their narcissistic partner through distorted rose-colored glasses. They will avoid all their negative traits and validate their behavior just to gain acceptance. โ€œNarcissism demands to be fed and people pleasers are the best source,โ€ adds Christine.

When their narcissistic partner becomes abusive, they take the blame and easily apologize to avoid confrontation. This is perhaps the most perfect toxic relationship as the narcissist constantly spreads their toxicity and the people pleaser continually tries to โ€˜fixโ€™ their narcissistic partner.

The main problem is that people pleasers fail to realize they deserve to be loved unconditionally and accepted just as they are in relationships. They need to realize that it is okay to be flawed, to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and still feel content.

They must realize that their emotions have value too and itโ€™s not their job to fix others or make them happy.

How to get out of the trap

If you are a people pleaser and want to get out of this unhealthy relationship trap then you need to start by putting yourself first. It is only by taking care of yourself, you will find the mental and emotional energy to help others. Self-love and self-care can give you the strength to turn your life around.

Therapist Erika Myers says โ€œItโ€™s OK to be a giving, caring person. Itโ€™s also important, however, to honor and tend to our own needs.โ€ It wonโ€™t make you selfish. It will only make you realize your own worth.

People pleaser and the narcissist

The next thing you need to do is start setting up healthy personal boundaries if you wish to overcome people-pleasing behaviors.

Healthy boundaries will empower you to protect your personal needs and desires and nurture your emotional and mental space.ย 

Moreover, you also need to learn how to identify signs of narcissism in your partner and see them for who they are. If they fail to respect your boundaries, then you need to consider walking away from the relationship to protect yourself and build your self-esteem.

Related: Being a People-Pleaser: Why Itโ€™s Dangerous and How to Stop

Liberating yourself from the toxicity of your people-pleasing habits and narcissistic relationship will empower you to find happiness within and live a satisfying, meaningful life.


People pleaser and the narcissist
People pleaser and the narcissist Pin
The People Pleaser and the Narcissist pin
The People Pleaser and the Narcissist pinex

— Share —

, , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

How to Respond to a Manipulative Apology: 7 Ways You Can Turn the Tables on Emotional Manipulation

Ways to Handle a Manipulative Apology

Manipulative apologies are tricky; they sound like remorse but actually aim to shift blame, guilt-trip, or control the situation. Learning how to respond to a manipulative apology is crucial to maintaining emotional balance and protecting your well-being.

Always remember that apology without change is manipulative, and the quicker you realize that, the better it will be for you and emotional well-being.

Letโ€™s dive into what is a manipulative apology, how does a narcissist apologize and how to respond to a manipulative apology, so that you can handle these situations with confidence, and not get caught in an emotional trap.

Related:

Up Next

9 Malignant Narcissist Traits That Scream โ€˜Stay Away!โ€™

Malignant Narcissist Traits That Scream Stay Away

Ever met someone who just seemed a little too… intense? Maybe they needed control, demanded admiration, or seemed to enjoy making others uncomfortable? These arenโ€™t just common personality flaws โ€“ these are actually malignant narcissist traits.

Spotting these traits can help you steer clear of the emotional roller coaster that follows such people around. Weโ€™ll dive into exactly what is a malignant narcissist, the warning signs to watch out for, and how to deal with a malignant narcissist.

So, let’s get started shall we? We will begin with what is a malignant narcissist.

Related:

Up Next

What Is Child Abuse? Recognizing The Warning Signs

Child abuse and neglect is a very sensitive subject that needs to be handled with care.

One canโ€™t really associate a state like this with just bruises. There is emotional, as well as physical exploitation. Also, for a little kid to heal or recover from it, the earlier one spots the signs of it, the better it is.

Up Next

Unlocking The Pain Of The Past: 10 Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Ever find yourself reacting strongly to situations and not quite sure why? Either you hear echoes of your past, or itโ€™s probably because you listen to your inner child. In this article, weโ€™re delving into the signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults โ€“ those subtle whispers from your younger self that can shape your present.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

Are Adult Temper Tantrums Dangerous? Recognizing and Addressing the Risks

Adult temper tantrums can be really unpredictable and you never know which direction they might take. This article is going to discuss the dangers of temper tantrums in adults, so that you know how to protect yourself.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

KEY POINTS

Adult temp

Up Next

Spotting Emotional Neglect In Childhood: 8 Important Clues

Anyone who has been through emotional neglect in childhood knows that it never leaves you; it haunts you for the rest of your life. Itโ€™s like an invisible wound, that may not leave invisible scars, but it can shape you in ways you might not even notice.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Maybe it was the feeling that somethingโ€™s missing from your childhood, but you cou

Up Next

Romantic Manipulation: 10 Subtle Phrases To Watch Out For

Romantic manipulation is sneaky, and it can creep into a relationships without either person fully realizing it. We have all heard those phrases that sound sweet or caring but leaves a bitter aftertaste, making us second-guess our feelings.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Manipulative partners often have a way with words, twistin