โThe Grass is Greener Where You Water Itโ- An appropriate analogy is applied when it comes to nurturing your relationship through endless love, care, affection and a perfect โwe timeโ.
After studying more than 3,000 couples in his Love Lab over the last four decades, Dr. John Gottman has discovered that the most important issue in marriage is trust.
Can I trust you to be there for me when Iโm upset?
Can I trust you to choose me over your friends?
Can I trust you to respect me?
Couples that trust each other understand that a good marriage doesnโt just happen on its own. It needs to be cultivated.
These couples express appreciation for each other. They brag about each otherโs talents and achievements. They say โI love youโ every day.
Even in the heat of conflict, theyย consider the otherโs perspective. They are able to empathize with each other, even when they donโt agree, andย they are there for each otherย during times of illness or stress.
They understand that the grass isnโt greener on the other side of the fence. Asย Neil Barringham says, โThe grass is greener where you water it.โ
Read This Is What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like
Building trust
Trust is built in very small moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility ofย connectingย with your partner or turning away from your partner.
One single moment is not that important, but if youโre consistently choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationshipโvery gradually and very slowly.
When this happens, theย story of your relationshipย begins to turn negative. You begin to focus on yourย partnerโs flaws. You forget about their traits you admire and value.
Eventually, you start making what researcherย Caryl Rusbultย calls โnegative comparisons.โ You start to compare your spouse to someone else, real or imagined, and you think, โI can do better.โ
Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing them and building resentment rather than gratitude.
Behavioral economist Dan Ariely explains this phenomenon in dating.
Read 11 Reasons Why Trust In A Relationship Is More Important Than Love
Building trust and commitment requiresย intentional effort. Here are fives ways to invest in your relationship.
1. Turn Towards Bids for Connection
Bids are the building blocks of lasting love. In one study of newlywed couples in Dr. Gottmanโs lab, couples that stayed together turned towards each other 86% of the time, whereas couples that eventually divorced only did it 33% of the time. Thatโs a big difference.
When bids fail, as they inevitably do in all relationships,ย seek to repair. Remember that repair attempts are the secret weapon ofย emotionally intelligent couples.
Read Relationships Arenโt Easy But Theyโre Totally Worth It
2. Flip Your Internal Script
Negative thoughts cause you to miss 50% of your partnerโs bids, according to research byย Robinson and Price. This makes it difficult to build trust.
Learn to separate specific relationship problems from the overall view of your partner. Make an intentional effort to replace negative thoughts with compassion and empathy.
3. Ritualize Cherishing
The best way to keep yourself from making โnegative comparisonsโ is to actively cherish your partner. Get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts about each other rather than thoughts about someone else.
Think about the things you appreciate about your partner and tell them. Thanks for being so adventurous with me. Youโre such an amazing cook. Youโre such a great dad.
4. Learn to Fight Smarter
Happy couplesย complain without blame by talking about what they feel and what they need, not what they donโt need. They are gentle and they give their partner a recipe to be successful with them.
Schedule aย weekly State of the Union meetingย to discuss areas of concern in your relationship.
5. Create We Time
Itโs easy to find excuses for not dedicating time for your relationship. Weโre too busy. We work a lot. Weโre always with the kids.
Find time go on dates, ask each otherย open-ended questions, and continue to createย rituals of connectionย that allow you to connect emotionally. Itโs the best investment youโll ever make.
Read 11 Proverbs For Couples That Will Guarantee Stronger Relationships
We tend to forget that happiness doesnโt come as a result of getting something we donโt have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Choose each other, day after day.
This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.
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By Kyle Benson
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