The Grass is Greener Where You Water It

โ€œThe Grass is Greener Where You Water Itโ€- An appropriate analogy is applied when it comes to nurturing your relationship through endless love, care, affection and a perfect โ€˜we timeโ€™.

After studying more than 3,000 couples in his Love Lab over the last four decades, Dr. John Gottman has discovered that the most important issue in marriage is trust.

Can I trust you to be there for me when Iโ€™m upset?

Can I trust you to choose me over your friends?

Can I trust you to respect me?

Couples that trust each other understand that a good marriage doesnโ€™t just happen on its own. It needs to be cultivated.

These couples express appreciation for each other. They brag about each otherโ€™s talents and achievements. They say โ€œI love youโ€ every day.

Even in the heat of conflict, theyย consider the otherโ€™s perspective. They are able to empathize with each other, even when they donโ€™t agree, andย they are there for each otherย during times of illness or stress.

They understand that the grass isnโ€™t greener on the other side of the fence. Asย Neil Barringham says, โ€œThe grass is greener where you water it.โ€

Read This Is What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like

Building trust

Trust is built in very small moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility ofย connectingย with your partner or turning away from your partner.

One single moment is not that important, but if youโ€™re consistently choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationshipโ€”very gradually and very slowly.

When this happens, theย story of your relationshipย begins to turn negative. You begin to focus on yourย partnerโ€™s flaws. You forget about their traits you admire and value.

Eventually, you start making what researcherย Caryl Rusbultย calls โ€œnegative comparisons.โ€ You start to compare your spouse to someone else, real or imagined, and you think, โ€œI can do better.โ€

Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing them and building resentment rather than gratitude.

Behavioral economist Dan Ariely explains this phenomenon in dating.

Read 11 Reasons Why Trust In A Relationship Is More Important Than Love

Building trust and commitment requiresย intentional effort. Here are fives ways to invest in your relationship.

1. Turn Towards Bids for Connection

Bids are the building blocks of lasting love. In one study of newlywed couples in Dr. Gottmanโ€™s lab, couples that stayed together turned towards each other 86% of the time, whereas couples that eventually divorced only did it 33% of the time. Thatโ€™s a big difference.

When bids fail, as they inevitably do in all relationships,ย seek to repair. Remember that repair attempts are the secret weapon ofย emotionally intelligent couples.

Read Relationships Arenโ€™t Easy But Theyโ€™re Totally Worth It

2. Flip Your Internal Script

Negative thoughts cause you to miss 50% of your partnerโ€™s bids, according to research byย Robinson and Price. This makes it difficult to build trust.

Learn to separate specific relationship problems from the overall view of your partner. Make an intentional effort to replace negative thoughts with compassion and empathy.

3. Ritualize Cherishing

The best way to keep yourself from making โ€œnegative comparisonsโ€ is to actively cherish your partner. Get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts about each other rather than thoughts about someone else.

Think about the things you appreciate about your partner and tell them. Thanks for being so adventurous with me. Youโ€™re such an amazing cook. Youโ€™re such a great dad.

4. Learn to Fight Smarter

Happy couplesย complain without blame by talking about what they feel and what they need, not what they donโ€™t need. They are gentle and they give their partner a recipe to be successful with them.

Schedule aย weekly State of the Union meetingย to discuss areas of concern in your relationship.

5. Create We Time

Itโ€™s easy to find excuses for not dedicating time for your relationship. Weโ€™re too busy. We work a lot. Weโ€™re always with the kids.

Find time go on dates, ask each otherย open-ended questions, and continue to createย rituals of connectionย that allow you to connect emotionally. Itโ€™s the best investment youโ€™ll ever make.

Read 11 Proverbs For Couples That Will Guarantee Stronger Relationships

We tend to forget that happiness doesnโ€™t come as a result of getting something we donโ€™t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Choose each other, day after day.

This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.

Want to improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less? Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up here.

By Kyle Benson


The Grass is Greener Where You Water It

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