The relationship patterns of a narcissist are toxic and horrible, to say the least. Only someone who has ever been in a relationship with a narcissist will know all about their destructive patterns and behaviors. Letโs explore the various relationship patterns of a narcissist, and what it feels like to be stuck in a narcissistic relationship.ย
โJust because something isnโt a lie does not mean that it isnโt deceptive. A liar knows that he is a liar, but one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive is a craftsman of destruction.โ โ Criss Jami
If you had some kind of forewarning that you were about to enter into a relationship, that would consume you, to the point of your virtual destruction, would you still go through with it?
Unless youโre a masochist, the answer is probably no. Once youโve been through a relationship with an emotional manipulator, itโs not something you will ever wish to repeat.
In emotionally healthy relationships you have both partners encouraging each other to stay through consistent acts of kindness, love, and respect. They are dependable, and responsible, and maintain their own individuality and growth while encouraging the same for their partners.
Related: 22 Stages of Relationship Between An Empath and A Narcissist
Emotional manipulators operate on a different level. Because they themselves are emotionally damaged, they believe that they have to trick and manipulate their partners into staying with them and they do that through control.
Early on a campaign of destruction in launched, meant to quash your autonomy and your self-esteem while isolating you from family and friends.
Thatโs why itโs important to identify these relationship patterns early. Early detection will allow you to know what youโre dealing with and to extricate yourself without investing so much time, effort, emotion, and resources.
Iโve compiled a pattern of behavior used by most narcissists. When you recognize it, end it and get out as quickly as you can. Pass it on so others are aware of the patterns.
Relationship Patterns of A Narcissist: 8 Signs To Watch Out For
1) They appear larger than life.
There is something special and unique about them, something that stands out. Even if they donโt have much going for them, youโre convinced itโs only temporary, and with your help, they could really be something. They reveal a little vulnerability, a slight character flaw, that you find incredibly appealing.
They dazzle you so much that youโre left thinking, why would a guy or girl like this want me? (They all seem to have at least one special feature that they display prominently) โthe bait,โ. If itโs intelligence, they astound you with their superior intellect. If itโs the beauty youโre overwhelmed that theyโd pick lilโ ole you when they can have anyone they want.
What you donโt realize is that this is act one of a very well-rehearsed play.
2) They seem laser-focused on you.
In the early going, you donโt have to guess what theyโre doing or thinking, because they are calling and texting you all the time. It seems as though they cannot get enough of you and youโre thinking, โFinally, here is someone that can give me the love I need and deserve.โ They want to know everything about you.
Even though you may have some self-esteem issues, you really like the you that they see. They like you so much that theyโve convinced you to start liking yourself and it all feels like a dream. Youโve got butterflies, youโre fantasizing about your future together. Itโs like theyโve put you on a pedestal and that liking you is the in thing to do. You are feeling really happy and hopeful for the future.
3) They love bomb you.
โIโve never felt this way about anyone. Iโve never felt this connection to anyone before. I canโt believe what youโre doing to me, what you make me feel. I only want you. Youโre the one.โ
Phrases like this allow them to deepen the connection and move really fast. This pretense is necessary to hook you and cement the relationship. What they want most is to hook you, thatโs their end game.
They will say whatever is necessary to have you thoroughly convinced that you will never meet anyone as wonderful as they are and that no one could ever make you feel this way.
Related: What It Means When a Narcissist Says โI Love Youโ
4) They seek sympathy/show vulnerability.
This is another deepening technique they use and if youโre codependent, with a huge heart and a lot of empathy, then this oneโs for you. Theyโve got a story for why theyโre fed up. Someone did them wrong. Itโs never their fault and they are always the victims of another personโs cruelty. When you share something painful and traumatic with an empath, thatโs their sweet spot.
It triggers their fixer button and it encourages them to listen closely, open up, and share their own stories. This further deepens the connection, builds trust and it inspires, in the fixer, a need to care for, tend, and heal the wounded soul theyโve become enamored with. A fixer takes on the added responsibility of helping to heal this hurt. It is also an excellent kind of future alibi for someone with bad intentions. (โI told you I was messed up.โ)
5) They start to give you subtle warnings.
โYouโre too good for me. You can do better than me. Iโm not good enough for you. You deserve better.โ
All of these may sound sweet, even a little humble, but this is as close as a narcissist will ever get to telling you the truth. Youโll brush it off as a cute little endearment, but the reality is that these statements are warnings.
They know who they are and what theyโre up to and they know theyโre keeping secrets from you. Donโt ignore this.
6) They start to play the Pull-Away game.
After spending a lot of time convincing you that you are perfect, they start to pull away. They may disappear for hours, or days at first and you start to think that youโve done something wrong to evoke this kind of change in them.
Itโs sudden and severe and comes out of nowhere. The fall from the pedestal they placed you on is earth-shattering and youโre scrambling trying to make everything okay again.
The more you try to communicate and smooth things over, the further they distance themselves from you. You are heartbroken and reactive and youโre desperate to right the ship and youโre doing things you wouldnโt normally do, in order to bask in their spotlight again and nothing seems to be working. Youโre in full panic mode, desperate for someone to throw you a lifeline.
Related: The Narcissistic Loverโs Playbook: Stages of Relationship With a Narcissist
7) They are in, and theyโre out.
This is a dangerous stage and itโs how addiction forms. Any good drug pusher will tell you the best way to get someone addicted to something is to give them a taste, get them hooked, and then threaten to take it away.
Thatโs exactly whatโs happening here. Youโre soaring when they come back, with promises of love and change and then youโre crashing when they abandon you again.
This cycle could go on indefinitely until one party decides to end it. They can and often do put one source of supply on a shelf, while they pursue another and then come back when their new endeavor fizzles out.
The psychological warfare that they have perpetrated against you has rendered you addicted, dependent, and broken, and robbed you of your sense of self and your self-esteem.
Youโre a mess inside and youโre barely functioning and keeping things together. All you want is for them to come back. Youโll forgive everything theyโve done to you, just as long as they come back and give you another fix.
8) They blame you/deflect responsibility.
After theyโve played their hand and youโre still trying to get them to be the person you fell in love with, youโre catching them in a ton of lies. Theyโre acting strange and you canโt count on them for anything.
Theyโre making you act nuts with their behavior and they point back at you and say, โSee thatโs why Iโm doing this because youโre crazy.โ They will convince you that your reaction to the abuse is the problem and not the abuse itself.
Itโs exhausting for them to keep the smoke and mirrors going to keep you in a perpetual state of confusion. Once theyโve been discovered, you both know it will never be the same again. The game may continue, but it will never have the same intensity because they can no longer keep pulling the wool over your eyes.
The fact that youโre still around, wanting them back, surprises them and they believe that that gives them license to treat you any old way they want. Youโve shown them that you donโt respect yourself enough to walk away, so their treatment only gets worse from here on out.
Not every type of Narcissistic relationship follows this pattern, but this is how it looks in the majority of cases. Itโs important to get the word out so that we can all be aware that this pattern exists and so we donโt get caught in the emotional trap.
Anyone thatโs been through it will tell you it very nearly destroyed them and that they are still feeling its effects in some way. Know the patterns, call people out on their stuff, and walk away the moment you notice your needs arenโt being met.
When someone starts to pull away from you, never chase after them, let them go. Recognize that their behavior is about them and not you.
Related: Relationship Stages With A Narcissist or Borderline And Triangulation
Itโs not necessary for you to understand why someone does what they do. You donโt need to analyze it to death. All you have to recognize is that itโs not what you want and that youโre not happy. Thatโs all you need to walk away.
Remember that when you give someone the keys to your power and make them the sole provider of your happiness, the outcome is never going to end up in your favor. Keep those keys firmly in your own pocket, learn the signs, and never tolerate abuse or disrespect.
Written by Savannah Grey Post originally appeared on Esteemology Printed with permission
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