Through The Escalating Crevices Of My Skin

Through the escalating crevices of my skin, I am trying to keep my hope akin,
In times of dread and despair, my heart is crying in remorse for its broken pieces to repair. Lost in the dreariness of not knowing what to do, I found myself questioning whether the sun would ever shine through the shades of my darkened blue.

In complete honesty, I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I find myself questioning the conundrums of grimness and melancholy, where every answer I beckon to find somehow brings me to a question that haunts my existence in the cyclicity of the directionless stride I am on. Whether it is lamenting about my pain or enveloping my existential gloom in the silence of the room, I have tried everything I could. Every formula of eliminating the formulaic discourse of my mortality has been applied to try and find the answer to my question, what should I do with my life? Also, a larger portion of my angst remains on the controversial question, Am I doing enough often prompts its larger brevity on my seeping ocean of darkness.

While that occurs to be a latter issue, the biggest quest that find myself in the middle of nowhere belies to be the truest meaning of my life. Like many 22-year-olds who find themselves questioning what they want to do with their life. I tried to go down the stereotypical path of having to look like having all my shit together. Of having a stellar portfolio, the perfect 4.0 GPA for college graduation, a stellar portfolio, an ideal career trajectory, a great friend group and the perfect Instagram-worthy feed. But as I see my reflection through the mirror of mundanity, the truth belies I am nowhere close to being perfect or having an ideal adult life, not at least at this moment. Somedays I try my best to make my days productive and have it all look like aesthetic and ideal working days too, somedays do turn out to be all perfect and victorious, but mostly they are messy and chaotic. Filled with ounces of self-doubt and a fear of social comparison, where no matter how much I do, the vicious cycle of comparison diminishes its worth. I yearn to
be out of this habitual frenzy of undermining myself, but I would be lying if I said that I am a strong girl and this is something I have a bulletproof vest for.

As an overachiever and a perfect grades student, the tag of being an unsuccessful person or not being enough terrifies me. I have strived my entire life to be so perfect, that now that life doesn’t turn out to be the way I want it to be, the notion of not knowing bites my psyche almost every day. There are days where I talk myself out of it by engaging in work or studies, but somehow it just grows louder day after day until it makes every logical sense bleak and echo in gallant voices, I have no idea where I am going with my life. But does anyone have an exact idea as to where their life is taking them? Like is it a sixth sense they are gifted with a hidden sense of magic or a detailed map, that guides them through the perils of uncertainty. Or is it that they know to cover up the hideous monster of not knowing with a better sense of facade, lying under the veils of this perfectionism is a person who is terrified by the idea of being a sense of
nothingness, the land where time stands still and the only thing moving is your racing thoughts. Thoughts of hopelessness, of wanting to give up and run away. These have crossed my mind far too many times, but the most vital thing that holds me back from running away is,
A lot has to go wrong before everything goes right.

Maybe things are not making sense to me right now because they are not supposed to make sense. Because sometimes the chaos around us can only be silenced when we sit down and come back home to ourselves. When we allow ourselves to do nothing and embrace the notion of I don’t know what to do. Because in this space we finally start to disintegrate ourselves from the narratives others tell us and the blinding truths of what we want to do. It is in the silence of our loudest inner monologues that the rarity of our worth we find, it is in confounding conundrums of confusion that we finally understand what our soul needs. I know how hard it is to see yourself in circumstances where everything is seemingly fine on the externality but there is a storm that is raging our spirits from within. It is difficult and if you are going through this, I see you and I want to tell you I am so proud of you.

I am so proud of you for not giving in, I am proud of you for getting out of bed and fighting just to have a normal day. I am proud of you for putting yourself out there even when there is no fruitful outcome, I am proud of you for trying every single time life kicks you in the back yet you fight with all your might, I am so so proud of you and I hope you know you are amazing. So don’t let anyone make you feel bad for how you chose to live your life, whether it is as the steadiness of the tortoise or the swiftness of the rabbit. Your life is yours and only you can decide how you want to live it.

As I come towards an end with this piece, the daunting truth still remains akin, to what I am doing with my life and I have no idea whatsoever. But one thing I know for sure is, I will keep trying with each day as it comes. Today may not be my day, but maybe tomorrow will be or the one after, but for that, I need to keep moving forward, in my truth and in my authentic light.

I hope you find hope in your stride,
To know that the world is wonderful because a beautiful soul like you is alive.