A men and therapy story is explaining why, even when they’re clearly suffering, so many men still don’t seek help and what would get them in the room. Opening up with a story of “Jake”, a man in his 50s going to therapy at his wife’s suggestion. He walks in carrying his pain and anxiety around what it means to sit on that couch. The men and therapy article combing through the stories lists eight of the most popular reasons that men don’t go, starting with macho concepts of masculinity and ending with fear of not being able to control your own mind.
One major theme is that men and therapy are being separated by longstanding teachings about feelings. In the course of growing up, many men learn that tears are a sign of weakness, that anger is kosher but grief is not, that a strong man doesn‘t need anyone else must be able to face the world alone. When they‘re in middle life, they may have learned no words for shame, or grief, or fear; only irritation or paralysis. Therapy may evoke such responses as sarcasm, abstraction, or negation of the pain, even as their relationships or their cardio health or their careers shows clear evidence of distress.
The article notes that men and therapy can be in conflict with the fears of failure or status loss men experience. Men may fear revealing a need for help will reinforce their negative self-beliefs, that they aren’t strong enough, winning enough, or good enough lovers or fathers. Others may live in terror of being judged by the therapist, or exposing those emotions they have fought to repress. The article emphasizes these fears are normal, not evidence that men are ‘hopeless’ and good therapists will promote, even if only gently, and in spite of the client‘s vulnerability.
Pragmatic advice from the men and therapy article also was about presenting counseling as a tool, like going to the gym or having a coach, rather than a verdict on one‘s character. The article suggests friends and partners don‘t shame men into therapy, by saying, “I‘m worried about you and I‘ll support you.“rather than“You need fixing.” It also recognizes that the sessions that may be most palatable for macho male clients are those in which the counselor can address specific behaviors (sleep, anger, communication), and only get into feelings later.
In the end, the men & therapy article makes the case that seeking help is a sign of strength and courage, not vulnerability. When men take care of their mental health, it benefits not just themselves but the children who are exposed to a model of openness, the partners they support and share their burdens with, and the workplaces and communities where the pain is no longer unspoken. For every man reading it and thinking, “Maybe it‘s me,” the article simply says that you don‘t have to wait until the mess hits the fan to get some help.
Source: ‘They’re taught that showing feelings is shameful’: eight reasons men don’t go to therapy – and why they should
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