Mainstream culture tells us that December is a time for family and joy. Lights go up. Calendars fill with social events. In our personal lives and at work, there is often an assumption – silent or spoken – that this is the season to feel cheerful, sociable, and energised.
Thankfully, in many circles, there is growing awareness that this isn’t true for everyone. Not everyone is celebrating, or has someone close to celebrate with. The holidays can bring added stress tied to money, social expectations, and difficult family dynamics. December is also a time to draw the line under personal and work goals, which can bring a sense of failure, anxiety, and shame.
In short, December needs a brand update.
As someone whose start in life was not exactly auspicious, I have mixed feelings about this time of year, and I know I’m not the only one. As much as I love the spirit of Christmas and all things glittery and sweet, I still remember the years of spending Christmas alone, being unable to afford gifts, and expertly dodging questions about my holiday plans in a secret attempt to look ‘normal’. So here are five truths that people with a history of adversity and trauma often hold, and how we can create supportive spaces for everyone’s story.
1. I may seem fine, but I’m working hard just to get through the day.
A history of trauma doesn’t necessarily look like distress. In fact, it often looks like competence, professionalism, and taking very few days off. Many survivors have learned to perform well while carrying a high internal load. That’s true most days, and even more so in December.
What helps:
Clarity, flexibility, and discretion go a long way. Clear timelines, predictable expectations, and permission to opt out of non-essential activities and social events without an explanation help. If you’re a leader, avoid assuming that enthusiasm equals capacity. If you’re a peer, consider making small gestures of friendship e.g. getting lunch or coffee together, if that feels genuine and appropriate.
Read More: Your Burnout Isn’t A Badge Of Honor—It’s A Boundary Cry
2. What you say matters, but how you say it matters more to me.
Trauma trains people to read the room closely. Tone of voice, fleeting facial expressions or a curt email can trigger old fears about safety or belonging. What may seem like an overreaction from the outside may be a sign that a person’s nervous system is responding as if they were under threat.
What helps:
Say what you mean, and say it kindly. Offer context and reassurance as appropriate, and close loops to reduce unnecessary stress.
3. I might avoid social events, even when they’re lots of fun (to you).
Office parties, team lunches, and end-of-year gatherings can feel overwhelming or exposing. For some employees, they highlight what’s missing. For others, they may activate memories tied to exclusion or instability.
What helps:
Make participation optional, without consequence or commentary. Avoid “Why aren’t you coming?” questions. Trust that people know their limits. Inclusion isn’t about attendance; it’s about respect.
4. I sometimes feel shame that doesn’t match my current reality.
December’s focus on achievement, connection and reflection can activate deep feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. Trauma that emerged in relationships with others (e.g. neglected childhood, domestic abuse, or workplace bullying) often leaves people with an internal sense of “not enough,” even when all evidence suggests otherwise.
What helps:
Normalize rest, imperfection, being different, and embracing our full humanity. If you’re leading others, acknowledge that not everything gets wrapped up neatly by year-end. If you’re a colleague, resist comparison and productivity talk framed as moral worth.
Read More: Workplace Bullying: How To Deal With Bullies At Work
5. I don’t talk about myself because I’m not sure how my story would land.
This is perhaps the hardest truth of all. Many trauma survivors make a habit of keeping their private lives private. If a team member comes across as closed off, aloof, or withdrawn it’s usually a good idea to pause and wonder why. Survivors do not avoid connection – in fact they probably crave it and fear it in equal measure! Past experiences have taught them that vulnerability can be risky, and the reality is that few workplaces feel safe enough to hold any amount of personal disclosure.
What helps:
Be mindful of how much people choose to share, and avoid judgement if someone prefers not to. Keep conversations about personal plans, families and holidays short and light, and remember these experiences are not universal. If you’re a leader, signal that it’s okay to name a wide range of holiday experiences, and listen without labeling or offering advice when people do share.
Workplaces don’t need to become therapeutic spaces. But could benefit from being a bit more human, and December is a powerful reminder of that. For all of us, a gentler and more honest version of this season might be something worth building, together.
Written by Adina Dinu
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