Identifying Gaslighting: Types of Gaslighting, Phases, and 10 Most Common Gaslighting Phrases Used By Manipulators

When it comes to gaslighting tactics. There are different types of gaslighting, phases of gaslighting, and most importantly the most common gaslighting phrases used to bring someone down.ย 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that makes you question whatโ€™s real? And Iโ€™m not talking about a spiritual conversation or any sort of cosmic connection. What Iโ€™m talking about is gaslighting.

Iโ€™m about to break down the two types of gaslighting, along with the phases of gaslighting and the common phrases that you might hear. And at the end, Iโ€™m going to share my number one tip for dealing with gaslighting at the moment, because really, thereโ€™s only one thing you can do thatโ€™s going to have any impact.

Gaslighting is kind of like an umbrella term because it can be so many things, it can come in so many forms. And at times it could feel almost like the shapeshifter of emotional abuse terminology.

The common thread among all gaslighting tactics is that they make you question your reality.

I have a video that explains gaslighting pretty well and thoroughly. So if youโ€™re interested in that, if you want to learn more about where the term came from and what it means and have some examples in there, too, I suggest you watch that video.

There are two types of gaslighting, and the first type you may not be as familiar with is interesting because itโ€™s probably the more common type.

Related:ย Gaslighting in Relationships: 7 Questions To Tell If Youโ€™re Being Manipulated

Types Of Gaslighting

i. Unintentional Gaslighting

Iโ€™m going to give you an example so you understand what Iโ€™m talking about. Think about the child who scrapes his knee and itโ€™s the worst pain he has ever felt in his life because, well, he hasnโ€™t lived very long yet.

And then thereโ€™s the parent who with good intentions tries to teach the child, not to overreact. you want your child to be able to handle things right. So the parent might say something like, it doesnโ€™t hurt.

And in doing so, youโ€™re telling the child that whatโ€™s real to them is not real.

And this is one that I think weโ€™ve probably all dealt with as children and maybe weโ€™ve done as parents. Itโ€™s not done to hurt the child in any way, but it is still a form of gaslighting because it invalidates a childโ€™s feelings and โ€” regardless of intention โ€” that can leave a mark.

The child learns very early on that they may not be able to trust their feelings. Or that theyโ€™re overly sensitive if they communicate what theyโ€™re feeling.

Sometimes unintentional gaslighting can be done with good intentions or it might just be done just kind of off the cuff, without thinking of how something is going to affect the other person.

You end up feeling like thereโ€™s something wrong with you, like, whatโ€™s wrong with me? And theyโ€™re telling you that you shouldnโ€™t be struggling with this. This is not hard at all.

Gaslighting tactics

ii. Malicious Gaslighting

The other type of gaslighting is malicious gaslighting, and that is very intentional, although the person might not think, โ€œLet me manipulate this person. Iโ€™m going to Gaslight this person.โ€

The person whoโ€™s doing it might not even know really what gaslighting is by definition, but itโ€™s in their nature to manipulate people in situations to their benefit.

So somebody who is emotionally abusive is going to be guilty of malicious gaslighting. And thatโ€™s what we talk about most on this channel when we talk about gaslighting.

And that emotionally abusive person may also Gaslight unintentionally. Thereโ€™s nothing to say that they couldnโ€™t.

But the malicious type of gaslighting is manipulative. Itโ€™s trying to get somebody under control or to change their behavior to suit the abuser. So those are the two types, unintentional and malicious gaslighting.

Related:ย Is It Still Gaslighting If My Partner Has Aspergerโ€™s?

Phases of Gaslighting

Now weโ€™re going to talk about the phases of gaslighting. According to psychoanalyst Robin Stern, there are three phases of gaslighting that are present in a relationship with a Gaslighter, with an emotionally abusive person. Those phases are

disbelief
defense
depression
In the disbelief phase, thatโ€™s when the gaslighting starts showing up and youโ€™re thinking, well, that must have been unintentional, right?

You know that sometimes people Gaslight unintentionally and you think maybe he didnโ€™t mean it that way or she meant something else.

You make excuses for the thing that person said which made you feel bad at that point. You donโ€™t quite let it question who you are, or youโ€™re still standing firm, but you just donโ€™t believe that that person meant anything by their comments or their behavior.

In the defense stage, you are starting to lose your certainty. Youโ€™re starting to take on what the abuser wants you to. Youโ€™re starting to believe the gaslighting, but you are still holding on to your defenses. During this phase, we have those conversations where we try to be logical. We try to logic our way around this Gaslighting.

The next phase, depression, is when it starts getting to you.

It starts eating away at your sense of self, at your self-esteem. You become very uncertain and insecure because you have somebody whoโ€™s constantly making you question yourself.

Youโ€™re not sure if youโ€™re capable of making decisions.

And itโ€™s important to note that these phases can overlap. You can easily flip-flop between disbelief and depression. Itโ€™s not necessarily in sequential order, but those are the three phases of gaslighting.

10 Gaslighting Phrases

Okay, so letโ€™s get on to the common phrases of gaslighting. So if youโ€™re reading this post, I think you probably have been gaslighted before -and maybe repeatedly- maybe for months, maybe for years. You probably are going to relate to some if not all of these phrases.

And for each phrase, Iโ€™m going to try and give some variations, because even though narcissists are very predictable, they may not use these phrases verbatim, but you can expect to hear some version of these gaslighting phrases.

Here are the ten most common phrases used by gaslighters:

1. Youโ€™re Too Sensitive

When gaslighting is present and consistent, itโ€™s usually used to get the person to back down. It could be something like cheating or lying about finances. Theyโ€™ll take a little kernel of it and say, well, thereโ€™s just this little thing and youโ€™re making a big deal out of it, but it is a very big issue.

So the first phrase that gaslighters use and itโ€™s super common is โ€œYouโ€™re too sensitive.โ€ Or something like, โ€œEverything bothers you. You make a big deal out of everythingโ€.

And itโ€™s possible people can make big deals out of nothing. And so when you hear that youโ€™re too sensitive, you start thinking about, well, Iโ€™m too sensitive compared to who? Am I too sensitive compared to everyone? You start comparing yourself to other people because youโ€™re being told that your feelings are inappropriate.

Related:ย 10 Clear Signs You Are Being Gaslighted Abused In Your Relationship

2. I never said that

The second common phrase youโ€™ll hear from the Gaslighter is, โ€œI never said that. I donโ€™t recall ever saying that.โ€

Again, this is one where they get away with it because people sometimes forget things. Youโ€™ve forgotten things youโ€™ve said previously, right? Itโ€™s believable that somebody would forget something.

But when youโ€™re in an emotionally abusive relationship with somebody who is gaslighting, this is consistent. And it seems almost selective.

It seems like they have a very selective memory โ€“ like theyโ€™ll remember all these other things. But whenever something comes up around this specific topic itโ€™s, โ€œI donโ€™t remember saying that, or I donโ€™t remember that happening.โ€

Itโ€™s like they have selective amnesia, and that gets you questioning whether you can trust your memory. You think, โ€œWell, maybe Iโ€™m remembering it wrong.โ€ And they might even tell you youโ€™re remembering it wrong.

Gaslighting tactics

3. Iโ€™m not angry

The third common phrase that a Gaslighter will use is, โ€œIโ€™m not angryโ€ when they clearly are angry. This happens a lot with stonewalling and silent treatment. And it could also happen when the abusive person is yelling and getting angrier and angrier.

This form of gaslighting makes you question yourself. I know what Iโ€™m seeing, but why are you telling me that itโ€™s wrong?

4. Itโ€™s all your fault

The fourth phrase that you will commonly hear from a Gaslighter is โ€œItโ€™s all your faultโ€. If they get caught with something that they shouldnโ€™t have been doing, itโ€™s going to be your fault.

Itโ€™s going to be your fault that they did it. Itโ€™s going to be your fault that they cheated.

Itโ€™s going to be your fault that they hid something from you because you canโ€™t handle it. If they told you, you wouldnโ€™t be able to handle it. So itโ€™s your fault. I would have been honest if you were more emotionally stable.

5. Youโ€™re emotionally unstable

โ€œItโ€™s not your fault you had a rough childhood, but you canโ€™t handle things or youโ€™re emotionally unstableโ€ or theyโ€™ll tell you that youโ€™re not whole. Itโ€™s a lie. And it benefits them to have you believe that you have issues.

You might also hear that nobodyโ€™s going to love you. Youโ€™re lucky I put up with you, that sort of thing.
And that reason would be to make you feel insecure, to make you feel like youโ€™re not enough that you have all this stuff. Youโ€™ve got all this baggage and youโ€™re not enough on your own.

And I hear this sometimes from people who are victims of emotional abuse, too. And while that is kind of understandable, itโ€™s not something that should be part of any healthy relationship.

Related:ย 7 Signs You Are a Victim of Gaslighting

6. Nobody likes you

A gaslighter might say, โ€œThis is why nobody likes you now, this is why people donโ€™t want to be around youโ€.

What theyโ€™re doing is called triangulation.

Theyโ€™re saying this other person over here, they donโ€™t like you, and in most cases, itโ€™s not true. But this one is very effective because this uses other people. Itโ€™s gaslighting and it operates without other peopleโ€™s permission or consent.

Theyโ€™re getting into your head and getting you to think that other people feel the same way that your abuser does. And unfortunately, that can be very powerful. If youโ€™re in a situation like this and if youโ€™re hearing these phrases and youโ€™re hearing them consistently, understand that this is abuse, itโ€™s not you.

7. Youโ€™re petty

The 7th common phrase that you will hear from a gaslighter is โ€œYouโ€™re petty.โ€

Even if itโ€™s not a covert narcissist, an overt narcissist can also use covert tactics. They may do something really small that is consistent with their particular brand of abuse. Itโ€™s personal to everything that you have told them bothers you, hurts you, or makes you feel bad.

And then you blow up and they sit back and say wow, youโ€™re petty. This tactic is devious because it works, especially if they do it in front of other people. So you end up feeling like the petty one even though itโ€™s the other person who is being petty.

Gaslighting tactics

8. You canโ€™t take a joke

The 8th common phrase is โ€œyou canโ€™t take a joke.โ€ Emotionally abusive people like Narcissists will often poke fun at you and laugh. And you know, itโ€™s just a joke. You canโ€™t take a joke.

They might have pet names for you that are just downright mean. And maybe youโ€™ve told them, I donโ€™t like when you say that, or I donโ€™t like when you call me that. But they just continue doing it anyway, and they laugh about it even though you never do.

It just keeps going -they keep at it- and they keep telling you that you just canโ€™t take a joke. Youโ€™ve got no sense of humor.

9. Youโ€™re jealous

Another common phrase that youโ€™ll hear from an emotionally abusive person is โ€œyouโ€™re insecure or youโ€™re jealousโ€ โ€” or a combination of both.

And this comes up often because emotionally abusive people are not honest with their partners, and they are often cheaters.

When youโ€™re with somebody like that, things arenโ€™t adding up. Youโ€™re constantly questioning the person about things.

Maybe youโ€™ve even found some evidence that theyโ€™re denying and itโ€™s easy for them to just say, no, thatโ€™s not a problem. Youโ€™re the problem. This is fine. Nothing is going on over here. Youโ€™re just jealous. Youโ€™re insecure.

I had someone tell me with a straight face, youโ€™re jealous and insecure, but donโ€™t worry, itโ€™s not your faultโ€ฆ youโ€™re a woman.

Related:ย 5 Things That Someone Who Is Gaslighting You Will Say

10. If you loved meโ€ฆ

And the final common phrase I have for you is โ€œIf you loved meโ€. This phrase calls your unconditional love into question. And thatโ€™s what makes it gaslighting. So you think you have strong feelings for this person, but theyโ€™re telling you that, no, you donโ€™t.

If you donโ€™t do what I want, that means you donโ€™t love me. Theyโ€™re invalidating your feelings once again.

Common phrases of gaslighting

What can you do about a gaslighter?

The number one thing, the only thing you could do in a situation where youโ€™re being gaslighted. If you can identify gaslighting in a conversation, walk away. Thereโ€™s nothing you can say or do that is going to get this person to own up to whatever it is theyโ€™re doing.

Itโ€™s not worth arguing at that time if theyโ€™re gaslighting you. A relationship with an emotionally abusive person can eat away at your sense of self-worth and security, your happiness.

Written Byย Common Ego
Originally Appeared On Common Ego

So those are the gaslighting phrases commonly used by toxic people to bring your confidence and self-esteem down. Can you share some more examples of gaslighting phrases and gaslighting tactics? Please comment below!


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gaslighting phrases

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