When it comes to gaslighting tactics. There are different types of gaslighting, phases of gaslighting, and most importantly the most common gaslighting phrases used to bring someone down.ย
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that makes you question whatโs real? And Iโm not talking about a spiritual conversation or any sort of cosmic connection. What Iโm talking about is gaslighting.
Iโm about to break down the two types of gaslighting, along with the phases of gaslighting and the common phrases that you might hear. And at the end, Iโm going to share my number one tip for dealing with gaslighting at the moment, because really, thereโs only one thing you can do thatโs going to have any impact.
Gaslighting is kind of like an umbrella term because it can be so many things, it can come in so many forms. And at times it could feel almost like the shapeshifter of emotional abuse terminology.
The common thread among all gaslighting tactics is that they make you question your reality.
I have a video that explains gaslighting pretty well and thoroughly. So if youโre interested in that, if you want to learn more about where the term came from and what it means and have some examples in there, too, I suggest you watch that video.
There are two types of gaslighting, and the first type you may not be as familiar with is interesting because itโs probably the more common type.
Related:ย Gaslighting in Relationships: 7 Questions To Tell If Youโre Being Manipulated
Types Of Gaslighting
i. Unintentional Gaslighting
Iโm going to give you an example so you understand what Iโm talking about. Think about the child who scrapes his knee and itโs the worst pain he has ever felt in his life because, well, he hasnโt lived very long yet.
And then thereโs the parent who with good intentions tries to teach the child, not to overreact. you want your child to be able to handle things right. So the parent might say something like, it doesnโt hurt.
And in doing so, youโre telling the child that whatโs real to them is not real.
And this is one that I think weโve probably all dealt with as children and maybe weโve done as parents. Itโs not done to hurt the child in any way, but it is still a form of gaslighting because it invalidates a childโs feelings and โ regardless of intention โ that can leave a mark.
The child learns very early on that they may not be able to trust their feelings. Or that theyโre overly sensitive if they communicate what theyโre feeling.
Sometimes unintentional gaslighting can be done with good intentions or it might just be done just kind of off the cuff, without thinking of how something is going to affect the other person.
You end up feeling like thereโs something wrong with you, like, whatโs wrong with me? And theyโre telling you that you shouldnโt be struggling with this. This is not hard at all.
ii. Malicious Gaslighting
The other type of gaslighting is malicious gaslighting, and that is very intentional, although the person might not think, โLet me manipulate this person. Iโm going to Gaslight this person.โ
The person whoโs doing it might not even know really what gaslighting is by definition, but itโs in their nature to manipulate people in situations to their benefit.
So somebody who is emotionally abusive is going to be guilty of malicious gaslighting. And thatโs what we talk about most on this channel when we talk about gaslighting.
And that emotionally abusive person may also Gaslight unintentionally. Thereโs nothing to say that they couldnโt.
But the malicious type of gaslighting is manipulative. Itโs trying to get somebody under control or to change their behavior to suit the abuser. So those are the two types, unintentional and malicious gaslighting.
Related:ย Is It Still Gaslighting If My Partner Has Aspergerโs?
Phases of Gaslighting
Now weโre going to talk about the phases of gaslighting. According to psychoanalyst Robin Stern, there are three phases of gaslighting that are present in a relationship with a Gaslighter, with an emotionally abusive person. Those phases are
disbelief
defense
depression
In the disbelief phase, thatโs when the gaslighting starts showing up and youโre thinking, well, that must have been unintentional, right?
You know that sometimes people Gaslight unintentionally and you think maybe he didnโt mean it that way or she meant something else.
You make excuses for the thing that person said which made you feel bad at that point. You donโt quite let it question who you are, or youโre still standing firm, but you just donโt believe that that person meant anything by their comments or their behavior.
In the defense stage, you are starting to lose your certainty. Youโre starting to take on what the abuser wants you to. Youโre starting to believe the gaslighting, but you are still holding on to your defenses. During this phase, we have those conversations where we try to be logical. We try to logic our way around this Gaslighting.
The next phase, depression, is when it starts getting to you.
It starts eating away at your sense of self, at your self-esteem. You become very uncertain and insecure because you have somebody whoโs constantly making you question yourself.
Youโre not sure if youโre capable of making decisions.
And itโs important to note that these phases can overlap. You can easily flip-flop between disbelief and depression. Itโs not necessarily in sequential order, but those are the three phases of gaslighting.
10 Gaslighting Phrases
Okay, so letโs get on to the common phrases of gaslighting. So if youโre reading this post, I think you probably have been gaslighted before -and maybe repeatedly- maybe for months, maybe for years. You probably are going to relate to some if not all of these phrases.
And for each phrase, Iโm going to try and give some variations, because even though narcissists are very predictable, they may not use these phrases verbatim, but you can expect to hear some version of these gaslighting phrases.
Here are the ten most common phrases used by gaslighters:
1. Youโre Too Sensitive
When gaslighting is present and consistent, itโs usually used to get the person to back down. It could be something like cheating or lying about finances. Theyโll take a little kernel of it and say, well, thereโs just this little thing and youโre making a big deal out of it, but it is a very big issue.
So the first phrase that gaslighters use and itโs super common is โYouโre too sensitive.โ Or something like, โEverything bothers you. You make a big deal out of everythingโ.
And itโs possible people can make big deals out of nothing. And so when you hear that youโre too sensitive, you start thinking about, well, Iโm too sensitive compared to who? Am I too sensitive compared to everyone? You start comparing yourself to other people because youโre being told that your feelings are inappropriate.
Related:ย 10 Clear Signs You Are Being Gaslighted Abused In Your Relationship
2. I never said that
The second common phrase youโll hear from the Gaslighter is, โI never said that. I donโt recall ever saying that.โ
Again, this is one where they get away with it because people sometimes forget things. Youโve forgotten things youโve said previously, right? Itโs believable that somebody would forget something.
But when youโre in an emotionally abusive relationship with somebody who is gaslighting, this is consistent. And it seems almost selective.
It seems like they have a very selective memory โ like theyโll remember all these other things. But whenever something comes up around this specific topic itโs, โI donโt remember saying that, or I donโt remember that happening.โ
Itโs like they have selective amnesia, and that gets you questioning whether you can trust your memory. You think, โWell, maybe Iโm remembering it wrong.โ And they might even tell you youโre remembering it wrong.
3. Iโm not angry
The third common phrase that a Gaslighter will use is, โIโm not angryโ when they clearly are angry. This happens a lot with stonewalling and silent treatment. And it could also happen when the abusive person is yelling and getting angrier and angrier.
This form of gaslighting makes you question yourself. I know what Iโm seeing, but why are you telling me that itโs wrong?
4. Itโs all your fault
The fourth phrase that you will commonly hear from a Gaslighter is โItโs all your faultโ. If they get caught with something that they shouldnโt have been doing, itโs going to be your fault.
Itโs going to be your fault that they did it. Itโs going to be your fault that they cheated.
Itโs going to be your fault that they hid something from you because you canโt handle it. If they told you, you wouldnโt be able to handle it. So itโs your fault. I would have been honest if you were more emotionally stable.
5. Youโre emotionally unstable
โItโs not your fault you had a rough childhood, but you canโt handle things or youโre emotionally unstableโ or theyโll tell you that youโre not whole. Itโs a lie. And it benefits them to have you believe that you have issues.
You might also hear that nobodyโs going to love you. Youโre lucky I put up with you, that sort of thing.
And that reason would be to make you feel insecure, to make you feel like youโre not enough that you have all this stuff. Youโve got all this baggage and youโre not enough on your own.
And I hear this sometimes from people who are victims of emotional abuse, too. And while that is kind of understandable, itโs not something that should be part of any healthy relationship.
Related:ย 7 Signs You Are a Victim of Gaslighting
6. Nobody likes you
A gaslighter might say, โThis is why nobody likes you now, this is why people donโt want to be around youโ.
What theyโre doing is called triangulation.
Theyโre saying this other person over here, they donโt like you, and in most cases, itโs not true. But this one is very effective because this uses other people. Itโs gaslighting and it operates without other peopleโs permission or consent.
Theyโre getting into your head and getting you to think that other people feel the same way that your abuser does. And unfortunately, that can be very powerful. If youโre in a situation like this and if youโre hearing these phrases and youโre hearing them consistently, understand that this is abuse, itโs not you.
7. Youโre petty
The 7th common phrase that you will hear from a gaslighter is โYouโre petty.โ
Even if itโs not a covert narcissist, an overt narcissist can also use covert tactics. They may do something really small that is consistent with their particular brand of abuse. Itโs personal to everything that you have told them bothers you, hurts you, or makes you feel bad.
And then you blow up and they sit back and say wow, youโre petty. This tactic is devious because it works, especially if they do it in front of other people. So you end up feeling like the petty one even though itโs the other person who is being petty.
8. You canโt take a joke
The 8th common phrase is โyou canโt take a joke.โ Emotionally abusive people like Narcissists will often poke fun at you and laugh. And you know, itโs just a joke. You canโt take a joke.
They might have pet names for you that are just downright mean. And maybe youโve told them, I donโt like when you say that, or I donโt like when you call me that. But they just continue doing it anyway, and they laugh about it even though you never do.
It just keeps going -they keep at it- and they keep telling you that you just canโt take a joke. Youโve got no sense of humor.
9. Youโre jealous
Another common phrase that youโll hear from an emotionally abusive person is โyouโre insecure or youโre jealousโ โ or a combination of both.
And this comes up often because emotionally abusive people are not honest with their partners, and they are often cheaters.
When youโre with somebody like that, things arenโt adding up. Youโre constantly questioning the person about things.
Maybe youโve even found some evidence that theyโre denying and itโs easy for them to just say, no, thatโs not a problem. Youโre the problem. This is fine. Nothing is going on over here. Youโre just jealous. Youโre insecure.
I had someone tell me with a straight face, youโre jealous and insecure, but donโt worry, itโs not your faultโฆ youโre a woman.
Related:ย 5 Things That Someone Who Is Gaslighting You Will Say
10. If you loved meโฆ
And the final common phrase I have for you is โIf you loved meโ. This phrase calls your unconditional love into question. And thatโs what makes it gaslighting. So you think you have strong feelings for this person, but theyโre telling you that, no, you donโt.
If you donโt do what I want, that means you donโt love me. Theyโre invalidating your feelings once again.
What can you do about a gaslighter?
The number one thing, the only thing you could do in a situation where youโre being gaslighted. If you can identify gaslighting in a conversation, walk away. Thereโs nothing you can say or do that is going to get this person to own up to whatever it is theyโre doing.
Itโs not worth arguing at that time if theyโre gaslighting you. A relationship with an emotionally abusive person can eat away at your sense of self-worth and security, your happiness.
Written Byย Common Ego
Originally Appeared On Common Ego
So those are the gaslighting phrases commonly used by toxic people to bring your confidence and self-esteem down. Can you share some more examples of gaslighting phrases and gaslighting tactics? Please comment below!
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