I Hope You Felt How Much I Love You In Countless Ways

The good and amazing thing about blank sheets of paper is that, it has an ability to be whatever it is meant to be- a poem, a photo, an old- fashioned love letter, just a simple word or a story. There are no rules. But behind these words I know, there’s an spectral presence of pain that marks in every corner of one’s heart.

The sound of my laptop sang out with a deafening silence in my room, coffee in my favorite mug a friend had given me near to the edge of my table, a few steps away on my bed. My face was so intense, my eyes squinting at what I am just now writing- letting my finger fly at the keyboard.

I’ve lost count of how many times I have stopped and started writing these words from the bottom of my heart. Until now, I didn’t know if I get the right words out or what. Just the thought that he suffered in one moment and vanished is giving me the pain I can’t explain. He knew that we did the best we could do. I didn’t tell him how much I love him but I knew that he felt it in countless ways.

Yes…

I once stood at the side of a casket. Flowers were draped everywhere. It was so heavy. So deep was the grief. Pain seared through my heart and my whole body. I stood paralyzed. The stunned deafening silence…I could only feel the liquid dropping down on my face. I gave myself the permission to cry and brought these pains to God. It has been three years but it’s nothing compared to eternity and if I remembered correctly, indescribable sorrow has become my constant companion up to now.

We were kids. I thought then, we would all grow old together. I used to work abroad and I just get the chance to see him each year. And each time I was going back, he was always there- preparing and packing my things. Leaving an hour before my departure, I saw that. He said, he doesn’t want to see me leave. Now, I suddenly thought of that declaration of one’s hope in Arabic that I used to hear, YA’ABURNEE (You Bury Me) It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before their love one because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

Goodbye is a word that most of us do not want to utter as much as possible. This is the most heartbreaking life’s reality. To say goodbye and it was forever! Just by the mere utterance of it, leaves a remarkable endless sighing. I know this is not only an absence- it’s an infinite loss and I cannot do anything at all that I just keep missing him so bad in each moment, everyday!

It’s true what Collete have quoted that Danielle Steel added to her ‘Remembrance’ “A tomb is just only an empty box.” And the one I love exist entirely in my memory, in a handkerchief that’s still scented when I unfold it, in an intonation that I suddenly remember and listen to for a whole long moment, my head bent…

…and what bitterness at first- but what calm relief later!- to discover, one day when winter trembles with cold, uneasiness and hope- that nothing has changed: neither the smell of the earth, nor the quiver of the brook, nor the shape like rosebuds, of the chestnut shoots…to lean down in astonishment over the little filigree cups of the wild anemones, toward the carpet of endless violets- are they mauve, are they blue? To let one’s gaze caress the unforgotten outline of the mountains, to drink with a sigh of hesitation the piquant wine of of a new sun…to live again.

When I was flying back to Doha from Philippines months ago, I noticed one family in the plane. And from the excitement of the 2 kids, they had never been to Doha. When we were near to the destination, clouds blocked our view of the ground. Only when we began our descent, the plane did finally break through the clouds.

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